Explaining death to a toddler

[Shetookmylastcarrot]

My husband died over a year ago now. My 3year old still knows him from looking at photographs and often talks about him in an abstract way but has been told from the beginning that Daddy died and sadly can't come back and be with us.

He has started to ask more questions as to where Daddy is, will he come back etc. It has caught me off guard and I really don't know how to explain it to him. As I was put on the spot I explained that Daddy's body stopped working and when that happens we lay them to rest in a special garden called a cemetary. I followed it up with the usual explanation not being able to see or speak to Daddy but we can always talk about him and look at photos and I can tell stories about him. My son asked me to tell some stories but now he has asked to visit the special garden to see Daddy. I don't know whether I've made a big mistake explaining it that way and now I really don't know what to do. I feel like I've messed it up but don't know an age appropriate way of explaining it.

If anyone could give some advice I would appreciate it.

I am so sorry for your loss, how very sad for you and your family, what a tough time

I think you have handled it really well, you have answered the questions with enough details and explanations for them to begin to understand.
I believe there are books aimed for young children, which help explain death? You could read them together and it might help explain things.
Should be some online, can't remember the names of the ones I've used before.

Something I found helped in a similar situation was to get the child to draw a picture or write a letter to the person who had died and to send it up with a balloon. It helped bring closure. They also had a diary I gave them to write messages in when they needed to.

Hope some of this has been of a help to you. Best wishes

I think you have explained it beautifully

I am terribly ignorant in theses things and have no relevant experience. But I am sure you haven't messed it up. You spoke from your heart trying your absolute best to communicate with a tiny person who you love best of all. I am sure you did nothing wrong. People say in these threads that winstons wish is brilliant. Have you been in touch with them? And children are unsentimental and absolute - you've told them there is a garden and they want to see it. Is there a garden and if so could you bear to take them? Your child is unlikely to be filling it with the same depth of significance as you are. I am sorry.

I think you explained it beautifully. I’m so sorry for your loss and your DS’s loss. Do keep talking about his DF - mine died when I was a child and I would love to hear stories about him.

I think you explained it well
could someone else take him to the cemetary if you would find it too difficult?
[[https://www.amazon.com/Badgers-Parting-Gifts-Susan-Varley/dp/0688115187/ref=sr_1_1?crid=15ELLNKG2V3YH&keywords=badgers+parting+gift&qid=1556746383&s=gateway&sprefix=badgers+parting+%2Caps%2C223&sr=8-1
Badgers Badgers parting gifts]] this is often suggested, but it is more for the immediate situation of a child facing the death of a loved one, have a look you may feel it is suitable
Lifetimes there's also this book, which explains death in a very understandable way.

I assume you don't have any religious faith, I do think it's easier if you can honestly say ' daddy is in heaven/with Jesus/whatever' but I don't think anyone should say this unless you really believe it, and it fits in with the rest of what you and the child believe.
Good luck with it, it sounds like you are doing a good job.

Thank you all! I feel a lot better knowing I did a reasonable job at explaining it. My sister in law actually bought me a children's book covering the subject of death, I think I'll dig it out again.

Unfortunately I'm not religious. I would love to be able to tell him and believe that his dad was now somewhere wonderful but it doesn't feel genuine to say when I don't believe myself.

That's a good point about him probably attaching less sentiment to it all. He is very matter of fact about it all and never cries.

I think I will take him to his Dads grave and show him the 'garden I told him about.

Thank you again. The realisation that I've years ahead of me to have to explain about what happened is so upsetting. At least I seem to be doing an ok job so far and perhaps I should think about planning on what I intend to explain in future.

It is a lot easier for Christians. When my DH died the DC were 11 months and 2 years respectively. I explained to my 2 year old that daddy’s body was broken and couldn’t be mended, so he didn’t need it any more and we had put it in the churchyard to grow flowers and trees. Daddy’s soul was with God in heaven, and we would see him again when we died and left our bodies behind too. When she was about 3, I showed her how caterpillars leave a dead chrysalis behind and fly off to be butterflies in the sunshine - it’s a useful analogy for the soul leaving the body.
Christ rose from the dead and promised us all eternal life - it’s been a huge comfort over the 27 years since DH died. I’m in my 60’s now, still love and miss him, and look forward to seeing him again when my time comes.

My partner died when my son was 2. He is now 9. He has asked to see where his ashes were scattered and then has changed his mind last minute. My advice to you as I have dealt with this for 7 years now. Take each day as it comes. Do what you feel is right for you and your child. Its never going to be easy trying to explain things they can't understand yet, as long as you think you have done the right thing then you probably have. Xxx