Motherhood after bereavement

[ireneadler101]

Hi all,

I lost my mum last year, and am starting to think about starting a family of my own (I'm 34). I am a little worried that being pregnant and starting a family will be especially hard to cope with without my mum here to support me. This is unavoidable I suppose, but wondered what other people's experiences of this were. How long did people wait? Did they find it made their grief worse?

Many thanks in advance.

Just bumping this in case anyone has any experience of this?

Hey OP, I lost my DF at 36 and had my daughter 2 years later. It is hard but it is not defining of your experience. Try and think about the times you will struggle without her and make sure you have support. Keep talking to your DP as hormones thrown on top of grief can make things unpredictable and the more he understands your situation the better.

I look at my children and every time they do something he would have enjoyed or which is something he used to do it hurts, but it also reminds me that he lives on through me and my children.

Be really kind to yourself. I still miss my dad every day but it does get easier. 12 months is a really short time.

Whether she is here or not, you will still be having her grandchild and that is so so special xx

I lost my mum at 32, my older brother at 34 and had DS aged 36. I’m not going to lie, it made it very hard. Not being able to ask them questions when I was pregnant or when DS was tiny, not having them to visit, just missing them in general. Even now, it’s still difficult. Weirdly, I’ve felt worse this year as several of my friends and cousins have had babies recently and it seems like they’re endlessly posting on FB about having lunch or afternoon tea or lovely walks with their mum and baby while on maternity leave. I had to mute several of them because it was so painful.

But you just have to get through it, if you want to have children. They will become your family instead.

My DS is very very much like my brother and that’s a comfort, in it’s way as well. And I included my brother’s name as one of his middle names.

My mum died four years ago yesterday. I got pregnant the folllwing January (I was 33) and had twins in the September.

It has been really really hard. We have no other family around (my mum lived nearby) and my boys both have disabilities so it’s been extremely tough. I wouldn’t change having them for the world, I just wish I’d done it sooner.

I feel so sad that she never knew I’d have children (she was desperate for grandchildren) and never got to meet them, and vice versa. It’s been the hardest thing for me.

I would of course still have had them if I’d known how hard it would be, though. Do you have any other family around?

Thank you for your replies. I have a younger sister who lives about an hour away, and my dad is still around although lives about 3 hours away so I don't see too much of him. My husband's family are close by and supportive, although his mum died last year too so there will be sadness for him too.

I guess I know that it will be harder than it will be for my friends whose mums are still alive (which is all of them... ) and I just have to accept that. I suppose I'm worried that the extra sadness may be too much at the moment - but at the same time would love to start a family. It's so hard to know when to take the leap...

Whenever you take the leap it will still be hard ! My mother in law died when my oldest 2 were v young and as we were v close that was hard too. It was many years ago and I still miss her. She never got the chance to meet my subsequent children which does hurt to think about .
My dad died 16 months ago and it has hit me hard these last few months. I think at first you are numb and a year or so in it can be worse . I am listening to some of his classical music that he loved and really realising how beautiful it is but I keep crying every time I hear it because I can't tell him that now I understand what he saw in it. It seems such a small thing to cause such regret but I think there will always be something to open the wound at least . I am just trying to say that it will be hard to have a child without your mum there but waiting may not make it any easier so grab life and live it while you can I say.
So v sorry for your loss x