Taking step back from colleague

[Fragglesrooke]

I work in a large organisation as middle management. One of the people I lead lost his partner just less than a year ago and his grief has hit badly quite recently. I've been supporting him a lot over the last few weeks and he has finally felt able to seek medical help - which is fantastic.

Thing is I lost my mum at the start of this year and helping him through his grief has taken a massive toll on me emotionally. It's been quite intensive support and I've regularly ended up in tears afterwards.

The company we work for are amazing and there are other people he could go to but he's felt more able to open up to me. I need to back away now as I'm struggling with my own grief but unsure how to broach this as I don't want him to feel that he is a burden or has been.

Other people, my manager for example, are aware that I need to back away and are more than happy to take over supporting him but how do I phrase this to him next time he needs help?

Oh, that's tough. To be honest, I think you should be open and clear on this. Tell him that although you'd love to support him, you are dealing with your own grief right now and that you cannot provide the support he needs right now.

Could you have a coffee with him now and then just to have a chat? Or would that be too confusing for him?

First of all, absolutely do not feel guilty about needing to pull away - the old adage of “put your own oxygen mask on” applies here - you should make sure that you don’t neglect your own mental health whilst supporting others.

Second, I would definitely ask your manager or Occupational Health for advice on how to approach this - you need to be supported in handing this responsibility over; as well as making sure he doesn’t feel ‘handed over’. But it’s definitely not a conversation you need to have alone with him.

Do you feel able to be open with him about your own grief or would you prefer to keep it private? Either way is completely your right, but it will affect how you phrase the conversation.