My mother died... and now I resent my MIL?

[aske]

My mother died a bit over a year ago. I've never been through worse heartbreak. Now DP and I are slowly thinking of starting a family, and I'm coming to grips with doing that without my mum there.

MIL came for a visit this weekend (she lives in another country), tagging along with BIL and his DD. She's a very nice woman, and anything she might say or do is always well intended. That said, I find that I have very little patience for her, and I feel no affection. I know it hurts her that I'm pushing her away, and I know it's unfair.

What's more, when I watch her interact with her DGDs, I become wary of her intense desire to be a part of everything they/we do. And I become defensive over my and DPs life choices; I must have misheard innocent remarks as criticism various times, and just shut myself off.

I suspect that (besides normal MIL relationship stuff) this has something to do with realising that she will have a role in my children's lives, and my mother will not. It's unbearable.

Has anyone been through something similar?

That's very unfair OP. You're punishing the poor woman just because she's here and your DM isn't! And of course she wants to be part of everything her dgd's and you do! She's family. Would your DM have wanted MIL to be shunned and isolated?

You should welcome, cherish and embrace her! At least your dc will have one grandmother, even if they can't have two!

I know exactly what you mean - i lost my mum over 20 years ago now, very unexpectedly and suddenly, and still wish it had been my MIL instead who is almost 90 now. Its not her fault but i understand how you feel. Its still early days for you getting over your loss - it will get easier as time goes by. Try not to do anything to jeopardise your relationship with your MIL. She will be a lovely grandmother to your children but i know it wont be the same. Best wishes.

Just to say I completely relate to everything you have said OP. My mother died when my children were very small, she never met my youngest, and I feel exactly the same. I try my best to be fair to my MIL but I find it very hard having her around. It's early days though and I hope that as time goes on I will find it less difficult.

Sorry for your loss
I lost my mum very recently it’s so sad. But try looking at this from your future children’s point of view. They can have a loving Grandma so you need to help facilitate that relationship.

Be kind to yourself OP. I can completely understand how you feel, I think it’s natural. You already know you are being unreasonable, but that doesn’t mean it’s not natural to feel like that.
Have you had any counselling for your bereavement. It might be beneficial to have a safe space to explore these feelings, without damaging your relationship with DH or MIL. Good luck and I am sorry you have lost your mum, it’s a very difficult thing to come to terms with x

When my sister died I went through a stage of resenting my FIL for recovering from cancer. It felt as though there was only so much luck to go round, and my FIL had somehow pinched dsis’s chances of recovery. Illogical, and I knew it. But it didn’t stop me thinking it.

Slowly, I got over it. It did take time though. And I didn’t share my feelings with my DH - which I think was for the best.

for you OP. It does get less painful.

So sorry that you're grieving for the loss of your mum. OP.
It takes the time it takes to process loss and you can't simply assume that after x months, a switch will flick on and you'll be fine and dandy about the situation. You won't ever stop feeling the loss as long as you live but in time, hopefully, you'll feel more kindly towards your MIL and her place in your family. She's not replacing your lovely mum, after all.

Would seeing a counsellor help you process your feelings so that you don't keep feeling resentment towards your MIL? It's clear from your OP that you don't want to feel like this.

My mum died a few years before I met my DH and I still feel sad at certain times that she never met my DS who would have been the light of her life without a shadow of a doubt. MIL was a lovely woman too and thankfully, she got to meet her youngest DGS before she died when he was just 9 months old. I guess as mum had been dead for a few years by the time I met DH, I never really felt like MIL was replacing my mum and I cherish a photo of her bouncing DS on her lap.

Try not to be too hard on yourself OP, it's still early days really.

Thank you all for your kindness, and for sharing your own experiences. While I will readily admit that I'm being unfair to MIL, I really needed to hear that I'm not alone in this. I've found that bereavement was a lot about getting used to a new reality—hopefully this is true here too.

Since some of you mention it: I've been thinking about counselling, especially during stressfull times at work, and then putting it off because I'm "fine." This is a good reminder that it would be really beneficial.