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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

so low today

16 replies

TopEndChops · 31/03/2019 20:25

I don't know why I'm posting. My partner died 5 weeks ago. I went back to work this week which was tough but I needed the distraction.

I'm so tired of being hit by grief. So tired of being unable to sleep because my brain won't switch off. So tired of thinking the same things in different ways over and over.
Everybody says, we're here for you, talk to us anytime, but i feel like I can't keep telling them the same stuff, can't keep bringing it up. Think maybe thats why i'm saying it here. The truth is nobody is really there for you, because they can't be, when I go home it's just me and my thoughts and that's it
I just want my life back, how it was.
Sometimes I feel almost manic, like everything is OK, he's there in the background, things make me laugh, I am high briefly. Then comes the crash, and it hits me again, he's gone forever and I miss him so much I feel like I'm drowning slowly.
I know things will get better, I've just got to get through the days, there is no shortcut.
But sometimes, like today it's just so bleak.
Thanks for listening. I don't want anything, just wanted to get it out again.

OP posts:

imsorryiasked · 31/03/2019 21:43

Didn't want to read and run. I'm really sorry for your loss. If you don't feel that you can talk to your friends then please phone the Samaritans.

flapjackfairy · 31/03/2019 21:47

Oh I am so sorry. Sending love and support. Xxx

user1471549213 · 31/03/2019 22:07

So sorry for your loss. I'm sure your friends don't mind you talking about your partner and do want to be there for you. 5 weeks is still relatively soon after your loss so please do continue to talk to them.

Mind yourself OP.

HumphreyCobblers · 31/03/2019 22:13

I am sorry for your loss. As well as posting on here, please do talk to your friends, they really will not mind and will want to help you.

MollysMummy2010 · 31/03/2019 22:21

Oh my dear, talk to people. They really do care. If you were my friend I would be there holding your hand. Do you have children?

Original poster

TopEndChops · 31/03/2019 22:31

Thank you all. Yes I have children (from a previous relationship) 2 teenagers. We'd only been together 3 years, known him 5. But we were going to grow old together.
I know it's still early days and that's what makes it so hard, knowing that I've got to drag myself through this for god knows how long. I will still keep talking to my friends, just find it hard to not feel like I'm putting on them.

OP posts:

Original poster

TopEndChops · 31/03/2019 22:36

That's part of it too, grieving for the all things we never got to do, the life we never had.

OP posts:

MollysMummy2010 · 31/03/2019 22:55

Talk in real life. You need someone to hold your hand right now x

motheroffourcats · 01/04/2019 12:07

Sorry for your loss. I feel the pain coming through your post.

Would you consider grief counselling so you can start to process your bereavement?

Keep talking to your friends in real life and also on here.

Herja · 01/04/2019 12:18

Oh love, It's hard. So hard. My BF died at the end of November and I feel the same. We'd been together only 2 years, but he'd been my friend for 15.

Today I feel like I'm waiting, like when you're waiting impatiently for someone to come home from a long trip away. I'm nowhere near used to the idea that he won't be coming back. It has got easier to carry on though; with every week that passes it is easier to function. The absence is no less, but it's easier to get by.

You have had so few weeks. Of course it's hard. It will get easier to bear though.

Original poster

TopEndChops · 01/04/2019 14:39

I get that too, like they're still there and everything's OK. Often it's a nice feeling, feels like he's all around me, filling my heart and my head and it helps me carry on, but then it seems so much worse when the days like yesterday hit. Some days are worse than others, but it's all shit.
Thanks for the kind words and sorry for your loss Herja.

OP posts:

Herja · 02/04/2019 10:25

How are you doing today Top?

Herja · 02/04/2019 10:26

I'm going in to college today. I've been struggling a lot with motivation to do anything at all but sleep recently. Hours and hours a day. I find I do better if I can force myself too get going.

Original poster

TopEndChops · 02/04/2019 14:10

Not as low as the weekend thanks. The kids are back and having to go to work forces me to face people and I think thats a good thing. The extremes of feelings just leave you reeling sometimes, and makes you wonder how the hell you're going to get through it. I will though, i don't have any other option.
I find I can't sleep, only in two hour bursts then awake for an hour. My brain feels wired constantly and I don't recall ever having felt that before, I'd quite like to take it out and leave it the cupboard for a day or two just to feel a bit of peace.

OP posts:

echt · 04/04/2019 12:58

So many for you, TopEnd Chops

Your bereavement is so very recent, so raw. It is unremitting cack. You don't say how your DP died, and nor am I asking for it. If they died suddenly you could well be in the grip of PTSD over and above "ordinary bereavement" whatever that is.

However heartfelt your friends' offers of an ear, they will only be tested when you want to unload. It doesn't mean they won't be ready or able , but it can't be relied on, so you need other plans, possibly counselling.

Here's what happened to me:

Colleague: (who I don't interact with a lot) How are things going?
Me (thinking they meant my DH's recent death): Horrible, actually.
Colleague: I know what you mean, I have so many reports to write.
Me:

Crossed wires. Meh.

Smurfie12 · 04/04/2019 13:42

I've been in your shoes, my dh died very suddenly just after the birth of our 2nd child. I found talking to people very hard as they had no idea of what to say or how I was feeling, which to be honest neither did I most of the time.

Grief hits everyone differently for me it was waves, that literally took my breath away, took me back to how I felt when it happened. I got angry, really really angry at everybody and everything etc, then back to the tears and feeling so scared and alone. This did pass thankfully.

I can say that talking to people who have actually been through what you are going through and have come out the other side helped me a lot. We talked about him, remembering all the funny things that he had said or did and it was nice being able to laugh at the memories of him rather than crying.

Take it one day at a time, and if you have a bad day tell yourself that tomorrows a new day and a better day.

Take care

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