DH has died - conflicting emotions

[thebluewidow]

Name changed for this due to unpalatable details and total unreadiness to share them in the real world.

DH died just over two weeks ago. It was unexpected - I'd seen him earlier in the day and he'd been happy and healthy (seemingly), but hours later he was lying dead in the street in a city near the south coast, where he'd gone on a work assignment.

The police came to tell me and I have spent the last few weeks in the usual shock, sadness, fear. I've been visualising him round the house on his last weekend here, and it's left me full of so much grief. I can't believe I'm not ever going to so much as touch him again, or feel the comfort of his presence.

But.

Our relationship was troubled. He was a recovering addict who sometimes relapsed, at which point he'd disappear, draw large amounts of cash out of our accounts, and binge use cocaine. I'd never know when it was going to happen, and it always happened far away from home, but he'd manage to track down drugs and then he'd be gone, usually for about 12 hours straight. He would be totally uncontactable, and then turn up again full of remorse, tears, desperation that he'd never be able to stop. He did all the rehab stuff but always ended up falling down the same hole.

This put massive strain on our relationship. I had to hide credit cards, block bank accounts. There were long stretches where he didn't use during which I would gradually feel more secure, but then bang, he was gone again. The times he was here was possible worse as his moods were awful, he was snappy, sulky and dissatisfied often, and very very absent emotionally and physically, as he spent much of his time involved in activities to "keep well", that being things like NA meetings, the church, etc etc. Before the drugs altered his brain, he was the kindest, most gentle, generous, emotionally intelligent person I'd ever known, and that person was still present but I saw less and less of him. By the end it felt like he had totally lost interest in me.

I was planning an extraction from the relationship, but it would have taken time and of course I always hoped that in the meantime he'd get on top of it. Mentally and emotionally though, I'd detached as much as I could and was anticipating leaving at some point. He was aware I had this mindset.

Since he died, I've found out all sorts of stuff about what he was up to. He'd ordered loads of women's clothes on the internet (which I'd unknowingly taken delivery of) and his binge behaviour had diminished but he'd switched to taking little and often. He'd visit prostitutes where he'd dress up and take the drug, maybe for an hour or two, before leaving. Because of this little and often approach, I had no knowledge of what he was doing. I only knew when he binged. The little and often episodes involved a great deal of planning and deception.

I feel so conflicted. Part of me feels like this was inevitable, that sadly the wheels were going to come off. On the night he'd died he'd been with a prostitute and used about £70 of cocaine, as far as I can make out. He'd planned a phone call to put me off knowing what he was doing, and laid various other misdirections. He'd been ordering clothes for several weeks so knew what he was going to do, and despite that was still snappy, sulky and dissatisfied with me when I was home.

I have massive conflicting feelings. I miss the person he was; the drugs had such an effect on him and it's so sad they turned the wonderful person he was into such a shitty individual. I feel like this was the only outcome, and then feel guilty for feeling a sense of relief.

Has anyone out there experienced similar? Just wanting to know I'm not alone.

You're mourning two different men, OP. The man he was and the man that he had the potential to be.

How you're feeling sounds perfectly normal.

Just don't fall into the trap of making someone into a saint now they are no longer here, especially your DC. It's ok to remember someone how they really were. His shame was never yours to carry

So sorry for your loss. It’s still sad even if he sounds awful. I can’t imagine anyone NOT having conflicted feelings in your circumstances.

I agree with previous posters that you don’t need to keep his secrets however, personally, I wouldn’t tell people the ‘interesting details’ apart from trusted close friends of family. I don’t think it’s fair on his kids. It’s the type of information that some people may love to gossip about and which could be talked about for years. I wouldn’t hesitate in telling people that your relationship was poor and that you have conflicted feelings etc. I also think saying he was having affairs and still taking drugs etc is ok. I just don’t think talking about the more salacious details will do anything other than potentially upsetting his children.
It’s quite understandably that you might need to talk:about everything in depth to come to terms with it though and hopefully you have people you can do that with. If not then maybe you could speak to a councillor.
I think sometimes it can be more difficult to start processing a death when you have conflicted feelings as you feel guilty for that little hidden feeling that it’s almost convenient that they died. You have to acknowledge that your feelings are understandable and ok.

Hope you feel ok.

OP - no one has the right to say how anyone should or should not feel about any given circumstances.
You have every right to YOUR feelings and i can see how much of them would be relief ...i would feel like that. You are only human after all and having stood by your DH and had your whole life together so significantly affected by his behaviours i think you are entitled to feel relief that you are effectively free now.
You will need to mourn the man that was, and your hope that he would come back to you. Giving up that dream of the perfect relationship/future/marriage is very hard but i would not imagine you feel grief for the other side of him.
An experienced councellor or psychologist will help you with this and hopefully get you to a place of acceptance and a place where by you can move forward with your life. The one you deserve .

I’m so sorry. Have you had the funeral yet? It will be hard coping with the difference with the public / private faces of your partner and the different men people are coming to remember and grieve.

People do behave badly around death, and try and take ownership, or try and claim some kind of special knowledge or closeness to the deceased to put themselves in the limelight.

This must be doubly hard when their (revolting) behaviour impacts on you in this situation, when your grief and your very complicated and very real feeling are getting pushed aside for other people’s more superficial public pretence.

I suggest you just concentrate on getting through this awful time somehow, clinging on to yourself, and what you know to be the reality, until you can start processing it in a few weeks time... when all the public guff has dissipated. Cling onto those close friends too, they are invaluable sources of strength, knowing the truth and allowing you to live in reality when you are with them.

I’d practise a couple of meaningless phrases you can bear to say back when people say things to you that glorify the man you know he wasn’t. Just anything, it’s about what you can say, as people don’t really listen anyway, they are concentrating on what they are saying to you inthese situations.

Then emotionally step away from all of this, and let it wash around and past you. It will be so painful for you, but it’s what people do in these situations, unfortuneately. It gives them comfort and I guess they think they are helping you.

‘Never speak ill of the dead’ is a ridiculous phrase, that taps into all this nonsense. It makes it so much harder to mourn the reality of anyone who wasn’t perfect, which, unless they died very, very, young, is likely to be a lot of people to some extent. And it isolates you especially now. Which is so difficult.

But it will get better, and you will find your way through all of this eventually, you will.

One day, you’ll be able to mourn the man you lost, long ago, before he died, and that will give you peace - maybe not the perfect ending but enough to be able to close this chapter and face the world again with fresh eyes, and let yourself love again and live again.

But that’s a way down the road yet. You feel exactly whatever you feel right now - it’s ok.
Maybe naming your feelings might help? And letting yourself feel it, telling yourself that you’re not doing anything wrong by feeling these feelings, whatever they are. Anger? Frustration? Hatred? Pity? Disgust? There’s a few to start you off! You are allowed to feel all those negative feelings just as much as the missing him feelings too.

Oh yes, forgot about other feelings like... relief! Sorry, you’d think my post was long enough not to miss any important things but nooo...

Oh, poor you! There is a line from a movie: " Don't tell me how to feel. I'm going to feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore". And I think it's true. Our emotions have to 'play themselves out' as a rule.

I think for me the overriding feeling I'd probably have is simply a feeling of relief. And I agree with others, you don't have to keep his secrets anymore. You don't have to shout them from the rooftops, but you don't have to remain silent if he's being portrayed as someone he wasn't. As far as the children, depending on their ages, it's probably best they know (at some point) that their father wasn't perfect.

Sorry for your loss.
My DH died almost 18 months ago. I just came downstairs one morning to him dead on the sofa. When the toxicology report came back, it was a heroin overdose. I had no idea he was a heroin user so was a massive shock.
I've had very mixed emotions as our relationship wasn't good and now I know why.

As someone else has said, what a sad story OP. I can't even begin to imagine how it must feel to have so many conflicting emotions rattling around.

A lot of them are coming from shock: shock that he's gone so suddenly in what seem unexpected circumstances; shock that you're not going to see him again; and the shock and anger of what he'd been hiding.

I have no advice to give other than to please be kind to yourself. Talking will help you through this, whether it's on here, with trusted friends or a professional. If you ever feel like you're really struggling, please seek professional help.

Unfortunately I also think you should see someone about having yourself tested. If he was using prostitutes you want to make sure he hasn't left you with any final lingering surprises...

My heart goes out to you OP. Many un-mumsnetty hugs to you.

I am sorry. I hope you receive some help on these pages and can get through the next few weeks.
You must be in total shock.
My sil was always troubled and she died a few years back. not the same as what you have gone through, but its hard as its not the same kind of grief you feel for others that have died, if that makes sense, in a way its much harder. You will get through this though. keep strong for your children. seek help too, lots of very wise people on these threads.

This sounds like an awful lot for you to deal with.

I'd strongly suggest bereavement counselling, too - it would give you somewhere to offload all the things you feel you have to keep quiet because of his children. It should also help you voice those questions that mst be spinning round your head at the moment.

exwife
Apparently the dh cross dressed? The thread I referred to is about wifes being treated much the same way. Though perhaps it would cast a light on dhs issues.
I'm not an activist, but trying to post in a nice! Manner.

well, ok, but there is nothing to suggest that OP’s DH was transgender. wearing women’s clothes does not make a person transgender.

also, i think the ‘widows’ in the context of the thread/s you are suggesting are those women with husbands who are transgender, not women whose husbands are actually dead.

anyway, derail. enough.

I have a close family member who.is.an addict and I have had to come to terms with the fact that their addiction may kill them.
I'm not sure how I would feel if it did, but it would be different than the death of another person, because I have already done so much grieving for the person they used to be.
Please be kind to yourself.

You have mixed emotions, I'd never condone those feelings. You have to walk a mile in a man's (woman's) shoes before you can judge. Take care and look after yourself .

Oh my goodness, you've been through so much op. No wonder you're conflicted and grieving.
I havent experienced anything like this but I think you sound like a very strong lady

I reckon the relief OP feels is normal. I had mixed feelings when my (alcoholic) mom died. I never felt guilty about feeling relief, but I try not to talk about it b/c people misunderstand.

I loved her & wished her well. She was feisty, artistic, principled, funny, charming intelligent.... & a total PITA who brought her problems to me (frequently). Life much easier after she died.

Awkward part was all the people who expected me to be distraught when I simply wasn't. It was so obvious for ages the path my mother was on, yet nothing terribly wrong with her health until her fatal heart attack. I was confused how others could be surprised & sad. I suspect I cleared my upset feelings out well in advance.

I would, if I put myself in your awful position, feel utter relief.
As for telling the truth about his behaviour, I think at some point, in your own time, it’s necessary to allow others to understand he wasn’t always the person they thought he was. It’s ok not to go in to details, but just learn to say something that feels authentic when other people are going on about how amazing he was. Maybe something like; “I’m so glad you have happy memories of him and I’d love to be able to hear them sometime, but unfortunately my memories aren’t quite so positive”. Otherwise I think you’ll end up seething in anger, which isn’t good for you. I wish you luck OP. Everyone knows that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors and your entitled to grieve honesty, without carrying the burden you’ve shouldered for many years.

since my other comment was deleted, i wanted to reiterate.

my dad died just before christmas last year. we had a very difficult relationship, and i am struggling to cope with my grief. i am mourning two people - the man he was, and the father i wish i’d had.

i’d say anger and relief are ok, OP. i’m going to self-refer to Cruse for some bereavement counselling. maybe have a look at their website and see if they might be able to help you.

be kind to yourself, OP.

Firstly, thankfully I have never experienced this and hope beyond hope that I wouldn’t ever find myself in your position. To the practical- if he kept his sordid life away from others then you gain nothing from bringing things out. Focus on the good things and appreciate that the other side of his life was away from you. You may never forgive, you will certainly never forget but please use his passing as an opportunity to move on. You know that as of now you can be the woman you want to be. Please do not feel guilty because you have nothing to be guilty of. Head up, be yourself and step forward into your future.

I'm so sorry OP. It's okay to feel whatever you need to feel at the moment. That includes both grief and anger and yes in some ways hate at what your husband had become and the vile acts of betrayal that he inflicted on you. Have you been able to look after your own needs at the moment, to make sure you are eating and drinking and getting enough sleep?

You're all bloody marvellous, thank you. Yes I do feel like I grieved our relationship a long time ago, as there was no emotional intimacy for a long time. As he became more self-obsessed, he didn't listen to me or have any time for me, so after the usual couples counselling etc I decided to just not open up anymore. It was too painful to be constantly rejected. He'd talk to me and offload, I'd nod and smile. I got very used to taking care of myself, so I'd detached to a certain extent a long time ago.

Yes, I do intend to get tested. I'm not overly anxious about it as he hadn't come near me in over a year (another thing I tried to sort out but it never went anywhere) and when we had sex in the past he always insisted on using a condom, I think precisely because he knew he may be putting me at risk. I will get tested anyway though, just in case.

He wasn't transgender. We spoke about the concept a few times and he just couldn't comprehend it and found it baffling. He did clearly have a fetish though.

It's helpful to know others have been in this situation, and crucially have moved forwards from it.

I meant to ask whether you had been checked out... my fury at him potentially putting your life at risk from his drug-taking and cheating was a bit extreme last night when I read this. (We are in different time zones.) I know several victims of this kind of thing including a couple who had been childhood sweethearts, and then she developed genital herpes in her late 50’s. Of course he accused HER of cheating. She had only ever been with him. Guess who had been leading a secret? A PI discovered that he had memberships to a lot of very interesting “lifestyle” clubs which were divulged in court in front of his family after her medical results were “accidentally” mentioned by his counsel. One was called “Bareback”. Knob.

Hi op. I can identify to your story so much and I don't often meet people with similar stories. I discovered my husband was having an affair and the following day he died by suicide. That was almost 3 years ago. It was such a confusing and conflicting time. I still going from feeling angry and thinking I'm better off to grieving and missing him terribly. All I can say is there's no right way to feel. You just have to ride it out. It was a lot easier to be angry and think how bad it could have been in the future than feel the raw pain then grief. Counseling helped somewhat but time has been the best healer. My kids are young and they keep me going too. I wish you all the best, time will help you too🌺