DH has died - conflicting emotions

[thebluewidow]

Name changed for this due to unpalatable details and total unreadiness to share them in the real world.

DH died just over two weeks ago. It was unexpected - I'd seen him earlier in the day and he'd been happy and healthy (seemingly), but hours later he was lying dead in the street in a city near the south coast, where he'd gone on a work assignment.

The police came to tell me and I have spent the last few weeks in the usual shock, sadness, fear. I've been visualising him round the house on his last weekend here, and it's left me full of so much grief. I can't believe I'm not ever going to so much as touch him again, or feel the comfort of his presence.

But.

Our relationship was troubled. He was a recovering addict who sometimes relapsed, at which point he'd disappear, draw large amounts of cash out of our accounts, and binge use cocaine. I'd never know when it was going to happen, and it always happened far away from home, but he'd manage to track down drugs and then he'd be gone, usually for about 12 hours straight. He would be totally uncontactable, and then turn up again full of remorse, tears, desperation that he'd never be able to stop. He did all the rehab stuff but always ended up falling down the same hole.

This put massive strain on our relationship. I had to hide credit cards, block bank accounts. There were long stretches where he didn't use during which I would gradually feel more secure, but then bang, he was gone again. The times he was here was possible worse as his moods were awful, he was snappy, sulky and dissatisfied often, and very very absent emotionally and physically, as he spent much of his time involved in activities to "keep well", that being things like NA meetings, the church, etc etc. Before the drugs altered his brain, he was the kindest, most gentle, generous, emotionally intelligent person I'd ever known, and that person was still present but I saw less and less of him. By the end it felt like he had totally lost interest in me.

I was planning an extraction from the relationship, but it would have taken time and of course I always hoped that in the meantime he'd get on top of it. Mentally and emotionally though, I'd detached as much as I could and was anticipating leaving at some point. He was aware I had this mindset.

Since he died, I've found out all sorts of stuff about what he was up to. He'd ordered loads of women's clothes on the internet (which I'd unknowingly taken delivery of) and his binge behaviour had diminished but he'd switched to taking little and often. He'd visit prostitutes where he'd dress up and take the drug, maybe for an hour or two, before leaving. Because of this little and often approach, I had no knowledge of what he was doing. I only knew when he binged. The little and often episodes involved a great deal of planning and deception.

I feel so conflicted. Part of me feels like this was inevitable, that sadly the wheels were going to come off. On the night he'd died he'd been with a prostitute and used about £70 of cocaine, as far as I can make out. He'd planned a phone call to put me off knowing what he was doing, and laid various other misdirections. He'd been ordering clothes for several weeks so knew what he was going to do, and despite that was still snappy, sulky and dissatisfied with me when I was home.

I have massive conflicting feelings. I miss the person he was; the drugs had such an effect on him and it's so sad they turned the wonderful person he was into such a shitty individual. I feel like this was the only outcome, and then feel guilty for feeling a sense of relief.

Has anyone out there experienced similar? Just wanting to know I'm not alone.

Blue I am sorry for your loss, the loss of what you had a long time ago and still in moments.

I can empathise to some extent. My father and sister were alcoholic and addict - with all the deceit and really shit unacceptable behaviour that goes with it. Both dead now. The worst of my sisters behaviour came out after she died, young. I wish my mother didn't know, but she does. It's created an anger and ugliness in her. So think carefully about sharing with friends and family. Sometimes it's better not to know and to remember the sweet lovely person underneath it all. My sister did terrible things, I know that and I feel angry towards her, but I also miss her and love her.

I'm also a member of WAY widowedandyoung and stories like yours do come up on the FB group and many people do share similar experiences. You are not alone.

You will have to work through this for your own sanity, in time. Please find a good counsellor, someone who you are really comfortable with. For now take care of your most basic needs - sleep, eat, walk or exercise, spend time with people who care about you. Take one day at a time. xx

He was your husband and you are allowed to feel, and to say, and to not say, whatever you do feel, say or not say. I am sorry for your loss.

I haven't had the same situation but a similar one.

My grandfather had a long term mental health issue which made him sometimes glorious and sometimes horrible. Outside the family people only saw the glorious side. The family, especially his wife, suffered the horrible side as his depression, addictions, emotional and eventually physical abuse. As he got older, the horrible side got worse. We dealt with more and more fallout and dreaded what the future would bring.

Then during one of the depressions he committed suicide. Alongside the shock and grief there was a huge sense of relief. I absolutely believe of all the outcomes ahead of us, that was the best one for my family and especially my grandma. I am sad that he was never able to overcome his mental health challenges but I do not feel any guilt in being relieved that he ended when he did.

Don’t ever feel guilt for your grief in two parts

I'm sorry, OP, for your loss. Give yourself lots of time to grieve and accept the emotions you are feeling, whatever they are.
He has goneby the sounds of it, it was quick and painless and clearly doing what he selfishly enjoyed. Not a bad way to gofor him.
But can I say this (harsh but bluntly)--that this is a blessing in disguise for you? A chance to start over.
You no longer have to deal with his drugs and duplicity. I don't blame you for being relieved.

Oh yes...been here. Right where you are now. I have one DC still in counselling because of it....10 years later. Green is right, to an extent. But I shielded my DC for years. And years. And then I told them the truth, and the extent of the drink and drug taking. And the fact that he was too damn selfish to stop, for our sakes. Whilst telling them this, I never once put him down, or diminished his love for them. Its hard...so so hard, and it took us years to get to where we are now. I honoured his final wishes, right to the end. And shut myself off from everybody that enabled him. 10 years down the line, we are in a really good place. Feel free to pm me if you wish

Excellent advice from the posters above. I just wanted to give you an unmumsnetty hug and tell you to be excessively gentle with yourself. I'm very sorry for your loss. X

Again, whatever you're feeling is OK for you .....everyone who grieves will be conflicted in some way, and that's without the personal feelings that your relationship had all but ended, or that the public persona everyone is reminiscing over now wasn't what you saw. So, whatever you feel right now is fine.

You've confided in a few friends about the "real" story ..... that's good. It's not about besmirching the character of someone who now can't defend himself, but about helping you get your feelings straight and in turn perhaps helping others understand how you may be feeling now. Not, I'd reiterate, that there's any kind of "normal" that you should be feeling.

Consider whether you use those trusted friends to pass on any message to well-wishers. Again, not in a gossipy way .... but just if you feel some of your feelings should be known by others. And they can be your gate-keepers if you want.

This would be a tough time anyway, without his recent behaviours impacting on how you think you "should" feel. So go with what works for you. Thinking of you, and praying for you if you'd like that.

I have lost a relative through drug addiction and can tell you that your conflicting emotions aren't unusual. There were two sides to my relative but as time wore on the good side was seen less and less. His mother said to me shortly before he died, that "this is only ever going to end one way." And actually she was relieved when it did although she was devastated too. She also told me that she was angry because he'd been violent and stolen from her many times before he died but no one mentioned that and she didn't feel she was allowed to either.

Counselling really helped her. It sounds, from what you've written that it would help you too.

You have my sympathy.

I was widowed suddenly but with far fewer complications. I really would recommend counselling with a well-qualified professional - I wish I had had it, the after effects took many years to deal with.

Your feelings are your own and not right or wrong. If it upsets you when people try to sugar-coat things, tell them it all feels too raw to talk about at the moment - I still do this sometimes 20+ years on and they can't argue.

So sorry that you find yourself in this position. It sounds as though you can be proud that you did everything you possibly could for him, and kept your marriage together to the end.

Op I lost a family member 9 days ago to cocaine and alot has come out since. Feeling the exact same as you in terms of the normal emotions but also anger at them. Confusion. So many questions that will never be answered.

The only thing that helps is to keep telling myself they are at peace now from their demons. The reason they take the drug and become addicted is often because they have something they are trying to avoid facing and the drug makes them feel euphoric and that replaces, temporarily, the pain.

Crikey, poor you. That all sounds very hard.

Work through those feelings and do whatever feels best for you. That could be keeping them to yourself (for now, the longer term, forever) or it could be sharing them with a few close people.

Be kind to yourself. Most people would feel exactly as you do. There's no need to have to justify yourself to anyone.

What you're feeling is completely understandable. It‘s also recognised these days as ‘complicated grief‘. As well as the loss and shock you'd have with any sudden bereavement, already dealing with abusive patterns and addictions in the relationship make it so much more complex and confusing.

So sorry you're going through this.

Totally different, but my dad died last year. He was an alcoholic who had become increasingly isolated. I an sad he is dead because at one time he was a good father, but in the last fifteen years it was very hard to remember that.

Now that he is gone and most of the work of his estate is done I have found myself more abs more remembering positive stories about him in a way I hadn't for a long time. Months later I am starting to be able to process the loss of him, but I don't feel like he died last year, I feel like he died years ago when the drinking really took hold. It is a relief (which I know is horrible) in many ways as I no longer fear for him or scan local news worrying that each corpse that turns up might be him.

Not sure what I'm trying to say, but you aren't alone in being in an odd situation like that- feeling awkward when people try to console you etc. I hope it will get better fir you in time.

Sorry for your loss, can you talk to someone neutral ? A counsellor ?

I'm so sorry for your situation. Couldn't help but think you, that you might benefit from looking at the 'Trans Widows Escape Committee' thread.
I'm sorry if this is not the time, but perhaps this will answer some of your questions.

It sounds like you've been carrying a terrible burden for many years - it's a completely natural reaction to feel relief mingled with the sorrow.

I agree with other posters that there's no reason for you to keep on carrying his burdens now he has gone. He died, you didn't - life is for the living, and it's fine for you to tell the truth and ask for the support you need. I'm glad you have some friends you can talk to about this.

The only other thing I would add is that when people die, sometimes people who weren't even very close to them behave quite strangely, and can act as if it's all about them and their perceptions of/relationship with the deceased. I experienced this when someone close to me died. So it's normal to struggle with other people's reactions to the death of someone close, even when there are no further complicating issues as there are in your case.

I have massive conflicting feelings. I miss the person he was; the drugs had such an effect on him and it's so sad they turned the wonderful person he was into such a shitty individual. I feel like this was the only outcome, and then feel guilty for feeling a sense of relief.

My father is an alcoholic. He's still alive but I don't think he'll see another Christmas and I know we'll all feel some relief when he goes, which is dreadful, but true. Like you, I miss the man he was. But I also know the selfishness is there and was there before the alcohol took over. Yes, if you pointed out to him that something needed doing or someone needed something he'd do it, but he couldn't see outside himself unless prompted to.

At some point, I need to get professional help to deal with this. Talking to friends is good but I think dealing with addicts is so complex and heart rending that it helps to speak to a knowledgeable and experienced therapist.

Take care of yourself OP and be kind to yourself. You will inevitably feel conflicted and guilty. But addiction is an awful thing to deal with and watching an addict being taken over by the addiction is one of the most difficult things to deal with, partly because it's so disempowering. There's nothing you can do to stop them, unless they really allow you to help and sometimes not even then.

It’s absolutely normal to go through the same range of emotions (angry, hatred, relief, fear) that you would have felt if you had learned of his betrayal when he has living. On top of that the grief of loss and love again is normal. Please be kind to yourself and except that your range of fluctuating emotions are completely okay. Maybe a counsellor that you can unload on would be beneficial.
I’m so sorry for your loss.

So sorry to to hear of what you are going through OP. As a PP's have said, all emotions are to be expected and totally normal.

My DSis went through a similar situation a few years back.

my BIL was an alcoholic who refused to get help and a domestic abuser to boot. He died, which was sad for him but not for my Dsis.

I know she felt terrible guilt but can see now that as awful as it has been, it really was the best outcome for her.

She is now very happy with a new partner and has a totally new life.

Time is your friend here. I will be thinking of you x

If anyone makes you feel guilty they have no idea about the realities of life.

It's ok to feel relieved or happy that he has died and it's OK to also devastated and bewildered. It's OK to grieve for the person he was although I feel you have been grieving for that person for many years. Do what you need to get through the next few weeks be kind to yourself x

Sorry for your loss.

I thinks it natural to mourn and grieve the good bits, but to be angry with the rotten parts. It must be very difficult for you at the moment, knowing what you know. Not an easy path to tread. Wishing you well.

Sending love to you theblue and please don’t feel guilty for anything you’re feeling. It must have been a massive burden on you for many years living with his disordered behaviour.

I have 2 friends whose Hs have died and both were in less than suitable relationships . One had had an affair which had been exposed just prior to his death and the other was a horrible man to her and she was planning on leaving him . Your situations sounds pretty dire ....One of these friends has said to me that she feels so guilty as everyone was commiserating with her when inside she didn't feel it and the other feels that she was left with so much unfinished business and never got her chance to say what she felt to him . You are not alone or unusual in this . If its any help both of these woman are now very happy - one with a new partner and the other thinking about looking .

So very sorry. There is no right or wrong way to feel - grief is never linear. I would expect you did a lot of grieving for the man he was a long time ago.

This is devastating OP. You've been through so much.
I wouldn't be surprised if you also feel a massive sense of relief that you are now free.
Obviously this isn't how you wanted it but you are now released.