Still plodding on,how I don't know !

[WatcherOfTheNight]

I've deleted this post so many times over the last week or so ,but I can't talk to anyone at the moment & I know I can't be the only one .

I've nothing very important to say but for anyone who's grieving for a loved one & feels like they might be going round the twist you are not alone .

This month had been awful.We are rapidly approaching the end of the hardest month for us ,I honestly didn't think I'd make it some days ,& I am starting to wonder at times if I am now actually losing my mind.

I have heard it said that the second year is harder than the first, which I hope is why everything seems so difficult to cope with at the moment & maybe that there is hope that I will get through this & I am a little bit "normal"

Everyone remembers my beautiful girl ,my eldest who would've been 24 on the 12th but no one ever thinks (or remembers) to mention my middle child who also would've had a birthday this week if they'd made it to their due date .

This time last year I didn't think I could feel any worse ,I was wrong & it scares me a lot.
i honestly do not know what to do with myself anymore.

So very sorry you’ve had so much loss.
Losing a child must be the most painful thing to happen, but 2 is beyond comprehension.
Others won’t understand that remembering your middle child is as important as your eldest. A 24yo has really made a mark on people’s lives.
Do you have support?
You are grieving and you have every right to feel so bad. But there is a way forward.
Please talk to someone, a friend, partner, GP xx

Your not the only one, it feels like that sometimes but your not. Grief is like a tidal wave, just when you feel 'normal' it just washes over you and drags you down. There are days I don't want to get out of bed, then there are days when I'm just empty, and run on automatic pilot. No highs. I just function with a void inside me.
They say time is a healer, it's now 15 months and it's feeling worse than six months ago, I'm not holding with that.
I cried yesterday, the sun was out and it was beautiful, but while the world is still turning my life has changed at the moment it's tinged with despair. Yes you do feel like your losing your mind, I'm sure your not it's just life is overwhelming us right now.

Wishing you a better day tomorrow

It will get better I'm sure it will.

I hear you.

And yes, from bitter experience, the second year is definitely much harder than the first. The first year you are in shock. And that shock somehow buffers you from the sharp pain of reality. And reality sets in when the shock wears off. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

I also want to say just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. And don't forget to breathe.

Sometimes that's all you can do.

(((Big HUG)))

How old would your middle child have been this month?

I think it’s difficult for people to know what to say or do and if you want them to say or do anything when your baby didn’t make it. Do you have any friends you could ask to remember your middle child too early the future. IF I knew a friend wanted this I’d definitely, happily, do it.

I think bereavement is different for everyone, as are coping strategies. I really hope this is the hardest part for you and that it gradually becomes less raw 💐

Cuddle up with your WoollyHUG & remember that every stitch was made with love - you’re not alone xx

She really did make a mark ,on me especially but she also did with others as she helped so many people in her short life .
She had a strength & determination like no one else I've known.
I don't know how I ever managed to create such a beautiful,charismatic ,genuinely delightful person .

I got pregnant with my youngest quickly & quite unexpected after losing the baby ,I didn't deal with it well but because i had a lot of issues again with Ds pregnancy I don't think I ever had chance to grieve properly .

I am so sorry that you all have been through this too & that you know the awful pain ,I wouldn't wish it on anyone
Life is so cruel

But ,I am so grateful for your replies ,especially this time of night when I feel overwhelmed .
It's horrible not knowing if it's "just" grieving & to be expected or if you've gone mad !
That sounds so bloody dramatic but I genuinely don't know sometimes.

I do have support ,if I asked ,but I find I can't cope with people a lot of the time,I think mainly because others move on faster?
I feel empty so cope alone or so I thought .

I am trying to focus on Ds & trying to get him in a better place & also my lovely dogs .
Thats what's keeping me going .

My middle child would've been 13 & due on 28th,It's a significant birthday which is probably why I'm feeling it more . Plus I'm looking at Ds who will be 12 in June .

I've got my woolly hug out ,It's one of my most prized possessions ,it's packed away carefully in between & still looks like new . No dogs allowed on it !

My MIL asked me this week if we'd considered having another baby ,it's freaked me out a bit . We wanted more before this happened but it wasn't really possible .

Anyway ,I've now got the house full enough with animals .

I often wonder if I have gone mad.

And the only answer I have is yes. Yes I have.

Because I have loved my child - my child - so very much, the depths of my grief are unfathomable. And to fully understand them, you must have reached those depths too. And you can't reach them without it.having an effect on you. Your own madness. Mine too. To be this mad is to have loved so do dearly. I am glad my child was here. Therefore I welcome this madness.

13 is hard. At the cusp of metamorphosis into a teenager who knows everything whilst still being a young 'Un who wants a cwtch and their nightlight on.

Gentle cwtches to you.

You are so right Opies,that really makes sense to me . I loved her so much ,I spent so much time with her & feel
Like I have lost part of myself .
I was just 19 when I had her so lived mire of my life with her than without.

Someone sent me a picture recently that really sums up the feeling ,I'll post it here.
I've been thinking a lot of her when she was young child ,I wish I could go back to those days .

I keep typing out to ask about your Dc but I don't want to intrude ,I know that it's very hard to talk unless you feel up to it .
If you do want to talk ,would like to hear about them .

Thank you so much for the cwtch too ,I love a cwtch

My son Ciaran passed shortly after he and his twin brother were born. Almost fifteen years ago now. It's not so raw as it was. Thank you for asking x

It’s entirely different, but my Dad died suddenly & unexpectedly (and he was only 62). I’d seen him just hours before, healthy, happy, full of life. The shock was huge. Several years on I’m still suffering from the shock of it, as well as his death. There was a point where it hit me. Again. Really. Really. Hard. It’s kind of hard to explain, but it hit me that I’d been ‘good’, I’d been ‘strong’, I’d ‘coped’, I’d dealt with all the practical stuff... but despite all of that, he wasn’t coming back. I realised I’d been sub consciously ‘coping & biding my time’ until it was all ok again. But it was NEVER going to be ‘ok’ again, because he wasn’t going to come back. And that still gets me.

Your DD was so lovely & young, with so much ahead of her, your middle child would have been about to become a teenager, you didn’t get to properly grieve for your middle child and have had to help your DS who shouldn’t have been through something so hard...it’s no wonder you feel so beaten up and so on the edge, feeling like you’re going mad.

It’s ‘normal’ to feel like you’re losing it. But it’s horrible, scary and relentless.

For me the rock that was in my chest lifted, I started to appreciate things like the sun & pretty flowers again somewhere along the line, but I’m a different person. You’ve lost (though I hate that word, I can’t think of a better one, sorry) two children, you’ll be a different person too. The intensity of the loss doesn’t go away, but the minute by minute rawness slowly fades away & the rock lifts. I still break my heart, but not every minute, of every day, like in the beginning.

As for your WoollyHug, it has endless hugs in it and it’s hardy. Don’t preserve it, use it, love it & let it love you. It can be mended with love if it needs it & a few dog hairs will add texture & character! 🌷💕