Waves of grief

[Boodlesnuts]

It's nearly 3 years since my mum died, aged 55 from Leukaemia. A vicious disease. I was worried at the time that I would be overwhelmed with grief and totally unable to function. I didn't know it would be such a constant; some times it's a slow drip drip, sometimes it's an absolute flood, but I guess I'm lucky in that I've never drowned in it.

I guess I wonder when the waves will stop. I'm having a spell of thinking about her near constantly. Everything reminds me of her. I can't stop crying. Will there come a time when it's more loving memory and less crushing loss?

I don't know that they ever do, perhaps they become less forceful with time though.
Have you tried any grief counselling?
I'm so sorry for your loss xx

I liken grief to carrying a shopping bag around. Sometimes it heavy, sometimes it a comfort, sometimes it’s a burden and other times it’s just ‘there’. I am imagining it just becomes a part of you though. Not sure you ever get to put this bag down.

Boodlesnuts I feel you. I have weeks when I don’t think that much about my mum and then days like today when I’m thinking about her all the time. I don’t really speak about it in real life and as it’s been almost a year no one really asks anymore. I agree it comes and goes in waves. I suspect many of the people around us are all going through the same sort of thing - we just don’t say it enough. Having had other loses though I know that it will become easier to bear eventually (just wish it would hurry up!)

My mum died 29 years ago (I was 20) and the reason I am on the bereavement board is because right now I am sitting in the bath having a massive cry about that.

Most of the time I go for months and months without feeling sad, but every now and then the waves wash over me uncontrollably.

You only have one mum and I don't think it matters how old either of you were when they died, or how long ago it was, the longing for that motherlove never dies and sometimes, even when you get used to them not being around, and you will, missing that love is just too much to bear.

I just came on to start a thread about my wave of grief that happened driving home from my yoga class, I lost my mum 28 years ago, tomorrow I attend my brothers funeral, I'm not sure who I'm more upset about, my brother or my mum, our family grew apart when she died, I miss the closeness family relationships and find myself envying close family's who get on together, although at the same time realise this is not always the case. I had the same wave of emotion when I lost my dad, even though I was sad for him, we had grown apart as he remarried to another family, it was my mum I was grieving for.

It will always be shit, though hopefully not consumingly so.

I'm two years + after my DH's death and still feel consumed with sadness at times. I asked a widowed friend (15 years) about how she felt. Still shit. but not unexpected.

many years since my parents died but all of a sudden it hits me and i feel overwhelmingly sad. other times i remember memories with a smile but i still want to ring my mum i see people out with their parents and wish that was me hardest was my daughters wedding mum and dad adored her first grandchild so i know they would have given anything to see her married noone understands what losing a parent is like until it happens me i always feel like an orphan hardest was stripping and selling the family home which had been part of my life from 18 months to over 30 years

Boodlesnuts so sorry for your loss.
I lost my Mum a few years ago and often (sometimes once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less) have a tear in my eye over her.
I often think about ringing her up to say hello, or just am struck with disbelief that I will never see her sweet face again.
She wasn't an easy mother....but she taught me so much....I hope she is at peace now.
I don't think the grief will ever go away.
But I am ok to live with it because it means we did have a bond....stronger than I imagined while she was alive.
Nobody seems to talk about grief.
It has made me stronger, I don't think anything will hurt me as much as this, but I'm still happy and functioning and life goes on, with a part of her with me always.

I really feel for you, My Ma died over ten years ago and I still think of her every day (My Pa too). I feel so grateful to have had them as parents. As time has gone on, although I miss them dreadfully, I have good memories and still chuckle about things they said and did. What I am trying to say is, that even though there is an enormous hole in my heart, the grief has softened over time and is not as raw as it once was. I hope this helps, even in a small way. God Bless.

my dad died ten years ago and I still miss him, but it's a less raw feeling now. My DH died in the summer of 2017, and I miss him all the time. I do think the waves get a bit less tall. Death is a fact of life, and how very hard it is. It's good to talk about it. xx

Both my parents passed away over Christmas. I'm struggling with it all even tho we didn't get on so well.
to everyone.

I find this very poignant

https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/myfrienddjustdieddidonttknowwhattto_do/

I cried at the shop the other day because a lady was there with her mum, I just simply miss my mum

Although I’m really sorry for what all the posters here are feeling, i do also feel a bit better for knowing I’m not alone

I've found it really hard to reply to this thread, but I have been reading. I'm so sorry for everyones' losses, but as @Muddysnowdrop said I'm feeling less alone. Thank you so much for all your kind words and sharing your experiences.

I feel so strongly for you Boodlenuts and all others here. I totally get the crushing feeling of grief. It's awful and unjust and stops me in my tracks.
It will get easier to cope with, but like others have said it never really goes away. Like the weather, it's something you can't control, but you learn coping mechanisms. Sometimes, just do whatever you need to get through. My thoughts are with you.

I'm here, like others, because there are times when it comes back and I need to hunker down and wait for the storm to pass. That's when it helps to be not the only person to experience this.

I lost my mum when I was 15, then my dad died when I was 24. They've never met my children. I am worried about my daughter and I feel desperately sad that I have no one to talk to about her.

Grief is awful. I remember many years after mum died, I had a dream in which we just walked and went to a cafe to eat chocolate cake. I was devastated all over again that I had to wake up and that she had to leave me again. She's never come back to me in a dream. It's not fair.

Although I’m really sorry for what all the posters here are feeling, i do also feel a bit better for knowing I’m not alone

Me too. My dad died just over 6 months ago. I thought I was coping fine (relatively speaking) for the first few months. He had a long-term health condition but his death was unexpected, very traumatic and very painful. It absolutely haunts me. A few months ago, the grief started to affect me, but in the strangest of ways, like in the middle of the day / work / a meeting / with kids I'll get this thunderbolt realisation that I will never see him again, and then I could have the exact same experience the next day, and again ... it's like an almighty jolt when I get it.
I have my mum, brothers and sister, and we are all grieving, and care for one another, but it's very personal and different for everyone.

I feel so lonely. I am a single parent, busy with job and 3 kids and feel I can't share it with anyone IRL.

Thinking of you all. This thread helped.

@smallgreyelephant
Grief is awful. I remember many years after mum died, I had a dream in which we just walked and went to a cafe to eat chocolate cake. I was devastated all over again that I had to wake up and that she had to leave me again. She's never come back to me in a dream. It's not fair.

I'm so sorry. That's just heartbreaking.

(I'm having a really bad day today.)

Things do get easier to cope with. If anything, let us allow ourselves to honour our missing loved ones and ourselves, and lets give ourselves the freedom to be honest when things hurt.

(on days liek today, I really appreciate my mumsnet sisters)

My DM was killed in a car accent aged 69, two years ago. Most of the time I'm absolutely fine. Today driving back from Tesco I sobbed and sobbed in the car. No idea why. Glad to hear it's normal.

I lost my DM just over a year ago. Most of the time I’m ok. This week I’ve missed her dreadfully. I put it down to DS being away with school and realising that DM wasn’t around to ring me everyday & check he was ok

It’s snowing here today and my brain thought to call my mum to tell her for a nano second before I remembered.
It is nice (though heart breaking) to read all your posts, lots of to you all.

Sorry you have all faced these losses. I just found out my mum is fighting cancer and I just feel bereft- I live overseas and all I want to do is lie next to her on her bed and hold her hand. She may have some time to come- it is right at the beginning of the process-chemo starts soon but I just keep breaking down into tears.

After 20 years I’ve gone though all the stages of grief many times. It never fully leaves you. If just becomes less painful, it just becomes different