Just can't get over it

[landofthelivingdead]

Hello, I'm feeling very low at the moment, my MIL died in June when I was 6 months pregnant. The news came as a shock to us all, it was not expected as her death was an unfortunate accident. At the time I was strong for my husband, we had only been married for a few months and it was not what I expected to be dealing with in our first year of marriage. In private i was very tearful, infact any car journey alone ended up with me crying! Tbh i wasnt overly close to my MIL, not because we didnt get on but because she just didnt get involved like others do, she was loving to my husband but not over bearing like some mothers are. We saw her every few weeks if she was passing through she would drop by. Anyway here we are in February, and I'm still finding it very hard to cope with. Due to the circumstances of her death, she has been cremated but we haven't had full closure as there has to be an inquest. I don't know why I'm still feeling so upset by it all, DH is so calm about it and only cried on the day it happened but I know he thinks about it all the time and is sad but he kina shrugs it off when I say anything. I don't feel like I can talk to him about how I feel because it must be very painful for him and I don't want to upset him. I guess I'm just looking for a bit of a hand hold really. I don't know if I feel this way because I was pregnant and my little girl won't ever know her grandmother or whether I just feel bad for my DH, I'm just really struggling.

Your hormones are all over the place after giving birth and that's without a bereavement in the mix also.

Have you spoken to your HV? They will be able to guide you to bereavement counselling if you think that would help.

I think your feelings are all tied up with having a baby recently. Nothing makes you realise your own mortality like having a baby.

Don't bottle things up, chat to the HV 🙂

Thankyou @Horsemad I never even thought about hormones after having a baby. Baby is 5 months now though so should hormones still be effecting me like this?

I will try and speak to the HV next time I take baby to be weighed. I think I just feel silly to be upset about someone I wasn't particularly close to. It makes me so upset every time I think of her and everything she is missing out on.

Sorry for your loss, Landof
Tbh I think you don’t ever ‘get over’ this type of loss, you just get used to it as time passes.
This is more difficult than some because of the circumstances.
Your pregnancy and then having your baby - yes, hormones all over the place, but also a constant knowledge of everything your MIL is missing in the grandchild she won’t know and who won’t know her.
Some of the joy of your first pregnancy and baby was lost because she died.
A sudden accidental and totally unexpected loss is very difficult to ‘come to terms with’. It’s really not fair IYSWIM. So much left unsaid etc.
And that the official stuff is still hanging over you all eight months later.
Be gentle to yourself. Talk about her with your DH. Seek counselling if you are feeling down. This is massive, don’t expect to get over this soon, just try to manage the impact as best you can.

Thankyou, I think I might have to go down the counselling route, I just felt that it's not really my bereavement so a counsellor might not take me seriously. I feel awful that I've taken it so badly and my DH seems to be coping much better when it was his mum! Obviously he is upset but he is good at keeping it in.

So sorry you are struggling. You say it's not your bereavement but it is! she was part of your family and your husband's mum.
When my uncle died about 10 years ago it hit me for six. I wasn't particularly close to him, I saw him more when I went to my cousins house when we were younger. I just couldn't believe he had suddenly gone, it took me ages to accept it.
Grief hits us all differently. I would agrèe about speaking to your HV
Be kind to yourself