It's past midnight, so yesterday was the anniversary of dh's death.
I read some of the old threads and remembered some of the things I was feeling then. I'd forgotten some of the intense waves, at times I feel as if I didn't actually feel very much, but I can see that's not true.
It has been hard today, though it could have been much worse. A very difficult couple of weeks with the full inquest as well in the lead-up to the anniversary. But we put yellow flowers on dh's grave and a memorial candle, and it was good.
He seems very far away now, but perhaps this might be the start of being able to think about him more, without the heavy weight of the inquest and just having to cope - perhaps we can start to remember him again. We have a breach in the family now with dh's brother blaming me for his death, that hasn't changed but I am just going to have to leave it, there is nothing more I can do about it. Maybe one day things will change.
to my darling dh and all those who struggle with severe mental illness, perhaps especially the middle aged men who feel as if they are no longer wanted.