Today has been a hard day

[purplepigs]

Today has been a really hard day for me and I am struggling to decide why, my Nan who was more like a Mother to me passed away just over 2 months ago. It happened just after my birthday and I have had so much going on since then I really haven't had time to think about myself.
I had the funeral to sort out, the paperwork, the monies, her belongings, the house then Christmas - it has recently got to that point where I now have nothing to keep me occupied and I have now turned to myself - have I grieved myself I don't think I have

Am I coping I don't think so
I cry randomly
I wake up crying

I walk the dogs on my own most nights and cry

Her death all happened so quickly
I wasn't there with her in the hospital when she passed and I had been with her most the night and went home to sleep and by the time I got back up to the hospital it was too late
I hate myself that I wasn't with her when she passed
I can't stop blaming myself that she was on her own

I have referred myself to welfare at work but I am having to wait until the 25th Feb for a telephone referral

I am struggling
I thought I was doing well but I am not so sure

I’m so sorry for your loss . It’s still very early days so of course it’s still very raw .
Be kind to yourself and please try not to pressure yourself to feel better quickly ... give yourself plenty of time to grieve ...

Take care xxx

Oh love, so sorry about this.
Mine pretty much brought me up too.
I cared for her daily in the last 7 years of life, every day I went, washed her, cleaned for her, changed her bedding, did her shopping, washing, ironing, cooked for her while working full time.
I adored her.
When she died I was lost, totally heartbroken and bereft.
A huge hole appeared in my day.
I didn’t know what to do with myself.

It did get better. Eventually it got better.
It’s 18 years on now and I miss her as much as I ever did but I smile now when I think about her, her memory cheers me up and makes my day.
Big hugs and understanding xx

I am sorry for your loss and I can hear your pain.
Allow yourself to grief, get support from your friends.
Overtime good memories of your nan will make you smile when you think of her.
Best wishes.

@babbi @crosser62 @notacooldad thank you for your kind messages
I did not live with my Nan recently I only lived with her when I was a child as I lost my Mother when I was 9 yrs old - but I used to call her almost every day, some times twice a day
I miss her voice
Her smile
I miss her smell
Her hugs
Without her I feel utterly lost
Life isn't quite the same
I don't smile quite the same or as often
Life just seems a little shit tbh

I try and think about all the good memories but it just makes me cry
I cry as I am typing this
With tears streaming down my face

She was part of my life for 35 years and I miss her terribly
It hurts
I have never known pain like this
It's mad
She was cremated two and half weeks after passing away. I have her ashes in my house and have had a small amount placed in a small silver heart which is currently in my bedside drawer I feel better with it there

I have arranged with the church yard for her ashes to with placed with my
mothers but I am just not ready to do that yet