Mum not interested in her children once her dh died

[Silversky70]

Can anyone relate? Once my dad died, my mum has shown zero interest in her own children. It's like my entire, once close, family was lost overnight. The first Xmas she took herself on holiday and left us behind, and basically left the country for 6 months at a time on a regular basis ever since.

The anniversary is never marked. My dad is never mentioned. Once I was prescribed antidepressants and she just screamed at me, what the hell did I need those for? His whole death revolved around her grief, never ours.

She found a new partner within a few months and he's not into family, I wonder if this influences her.

I just wondered if anyone could offer any advice, or if anyone can relate. I've been to counselling and the counsellor basically said that my mum simply isn't interested and I need to accept this.

It's really hard to realise that your own mum doesn't care about you. She doesn't want to spend any time with me and can be critical of me. It's like she doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

Do I just keep it civil or go nc? It really messes my head up. Sorry I feel this is a bit rambly.

How many years since your dad passed away. I'm very sorry, it sounds really really hard on you.
Is she like that with everyone, all the children and grandchildren? Is she trying to protect herself?
Its awful anyway. I'm so sorry again.

I can't help wondering what your parent's relationship was like before your Dad died ? It almost sounds as if they were - maybe - not so close and perhaps she is doing things she'd always wanted to but never had the chance ? ( Just speculating but it's possible . Mine was a bit like that and when I confronted her about it she said she'd been living with him like brother and sister for years and just wanted to enjoy life again).

I can't advise you - there really isn't anything you can do. She's on her own path now and I doubt you can do anything to change her.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I lost my dad this new years eve. I can relate to the part where your mum's grief was the only thing that mattered as mine has done a very similar thing and not asked any of us how we are feeling etc. But I've put that down to how she's dealing with it for now.
Have you spoken to her about it? How long ago since he passed away?

I also have a not-very-interested mother. She was especially distant when my kids were small and needy, she couldn't bear the idea that anyone might need her.

I have learned to accept that she will NOT support me. She is there, to chat to, to discuss things of a general nature, but she's like a colleague in some ways. She does not want to engage with my life.

I have made good friends, who I treat like family, and it helps fill the gap. I've also built bridges with my siblings, and try to be warm and giving towards them, as they had the same cold mother I did.

Yes, I can relate.

My father has been passed away for 10 years and I hardly communicate with my mum now.

As the poster above said - i’ve come to realise that she isn’t here to support me.

When my dad died (who I was close to) she barked at me ‘I don’t know why you are upset he was my husband’. Added to that a freak accident 5 years ago where I suffered a stroke and she didn’t visit me in hospital (I was there for 3 weeks alone) and i’ve realised how self centred she is.

Remember you can’t control them and their actions but you can control your own feelings. Personally I deal with it by being as NC as possible.

Good luck, I know it’s hard.

She is there, to chat to, to discuss things of a general nature, but she's like a colleague in some ways. She does not want to engage with my life

This is it exactly!

They were also exceptionally close. It feels like she did the whole family thing for him and now he's gone it doesn't matter anymore.

It's coming up 20 years, which for the first time this week made me think, bloody hell I've been living with this shit for 20 years!! She's never going to change, in fact she's getting worse!!

It's hard to put the polite face on, but I feel that would be best.

We had it out a few years ago but nothing came from it, just an increase in empty phone calls for a bit.

NorthernSpirit did you speak to her about it? I can't believe she left you in hospital like that! Was she nice before your dad died? Mine was lovely. People were jealous that I had such a great mum and family.

It sounds like she's shutting you out as its easier than potentially suffering more heartache in the future.
She may not even realise she's doing it.
Could she be suffering from depression or PTSD ?
It doesn't take away from the fact that it hurts you a huge amount and that it doesn't prevent her from feeling pain.

cushioncuddle i think she may be trying to protect herself. She comes off as a cold fish. Everything is a bit of a hassle. Anything said even slightly honest to her and she's the victim.

I think I'm always trying to find the reasoning behind it. The counsellor told me that was not helpful. She's not worrying about me, so I need to stop worrying and get on with my own life. Something like that!

Well I hear what your councillor says but it's not that easy to switch your brain off like that.

You need to get to a point when you accept your mum's behaviour and almost forgive her for it.

Perhaps you could write to her - I will never understand why you have pushed us away but I accept that's how it is. However mum I will always be here should you need me one day.

Don't go say how you are feeling because that is a trigger to put up a wall and block. She can't deal with her own feelings let alone yours.

A letter gives her time to think about your words, to not have to answer or react. A letter can be reread and her emotions developed over time.

Talking face to face puts pressure on , needs a reaction , is a instant happening then the words aren't there anymore and so can be misinterpreted when replayed in the mind or in further conversation.

Do little steps. Meet with your siblings every so often. Try not to have your mum as the main conversation point or to talk about her at all. Build a relationship with them separately. I imagine her behaviour may be all consuming for you and your siblings and may effect the time you have with them.

It's hard and will always leave you with an empty feeling but other things will become more important and significant in your life.

Thank you @cushioncuddle for taking the time to give such a thoughtful and helpful reply. Lots to think about there. I really appreciate your time.

My DP mother is like this. He just focuses on his own life and our family. She won't change so there is no point giving it any head space.
Sad though, he sometimes will say 'I wish you knew her before' 'she wasn't like this when I was growing up' etc

@Aworldofmyown wow is he my brother?! Fascinating: 'I wish you knew her before' 'she wasn't like this when I was growing up' etc

Exactly the same.

It's hard when she does choose to have contact as I don't know how to act and I can feel uptight.

For your own sanity I'm afraid you have to let it go - or if that's not possible then maybe no contact. No point making yourself un happy if the relationship is doing nothing for you.