Is what I'm feeling normal?

[Nat6999]

My dear dad passed away 8 days ago, he was 83 & hadn't been well for a few months. Our GP had diagnosed heart failure & 10 days before he died his kidneys failed, we had 9 days with him in hospital, 24 hours before he died they had to sedate him as he was becoming agitated & scratching so much he was laid in a pool of blood, we were told that his liver was failing & it wouldnt be very long.

I haven't cried once since he died, I miss him terribly but I kind of feel numb, that's the only way I can describe it. I know that the feelings have to come out at some point, the funeral isn't for another 10 days & I'm terrified in case everything comes out then & I can't cope. I'm trying to stay strong for my mum & have been with her when the funeral director came to arrange the funeral & the celebrant came to talk about my dad. My mum has asked me if I want to go with her to see him before the funeral, I want to go & say goodbye but I don't want my last memory of my dad to be seeing him in a coffin. What can I do to get through this difficult time?

Nat6999 my dad died 14 years ago of a heart attack. We knew he was not in the best of health but it was still a total shock. He was 74.

I think what you experiencing is normal.

I'm not sure what you mean by staying strong? If you mean helping your mum, planning the funeral etc, that is so great. But you know you do not need to be strong all the time. And you may need support for you.

You could, in time, talk to Cruise Bereavement.

www.cruse.org.uk/

Do not be afraid to cry. You will probably need to let it out. It will probably come out at the funeral.

Also, it might be looking at photos or old video footage or just talking about him that finally let's you know he is gone.

It's good to cry if it comes naturally. But you don't need to make yourself cry.

Will you read a poem or say anything at the funeral? The celebrant can read something for you. Preparing something to say or be said, or reading a poem now may help you focus your thoughts.

Is anyone in the family religious?

Is anyone supporting you?

My brother is doing the eulogy, we aren't having a religious service because we aren't church goers. I lost my partner 4 years ago & I cried every day for months. I just dont understand what I am feeling now, I don't feel anything. I went shopping today & I felt like I was in a bubble, I'd got my headphones on because I didn't want to talk to anyone, I went at the quietest time so I wouldn't see anyone, I just want to be on my own. I've booked to see the IAPT worker at my doctors after the funeral to try & make some sense of what I'm feeling.

Everything you feel (or don’t feel) is valid. I have not experienced either of the losses you have but I can imagine as the relationships are so different so is the grief.

Yes, it is all valid.

I think it is all normal.

Your dad's suffering is over.

I am so sorry about your partner, and your dad.

I do think the two deaths are impacting you and have maybe caused delayed shock.

Be very gentle with yourself.

We all grieve so differently, and it's entirely normal you're respondong differently to losing your dad than your partner. Maybe it's delayed shock, maybe you're still processing, there's no right or wrong. Be kind to yourself sorry for your loss.

I am sorry for your double loss.

Another one saying it's perfectly normal. My DF died last year and was ill for a couple of weeks before. Me and my Sister has to look after him before he went into the hospice.

I felt I couldn't cry in front of him and then didn't want to cry at home when I came back to see the DC.

Once he'd died I was busy supporting my DM.

I did go to bereavement counselling though afterwards and cried like a baby. For me it felt like a safe space away from everyone who knew me.

So sorry for your double loss

I think it helps to see the body, it makes it real and they are peaceful, your good memories will come back to the front of your mind in time, hopefully people will share anecdotes at the funeral, and afterwards.
Your mind is just protecting itself. Ignatia is a homeopathic remedy for helping with grief.

I saw the body of my mum and not my dad. It didn't make any difference to me. But each to their own.

How are you feeling OP.