Disappointed with friends' lack of contact

[Feelingsad14]

Have NC for this.

My grandmother, who I was very close to, died last week after a prolonged stay in hospital - think months, not weeks. Her death was horribly drawn out and distressing to witness and I spent many hours at her bedside. My closest friends have been aware what's been going on and they knew she was in the last stages of her life two weeks ago.

Since then, I've heard nothing from any of them until this morning, when one messaged asking if I was around for a catch up but didn't ask how I was or how my nan was doing. I was gobsmacked.

I didn't message my friends when she died last week because I was in no fit state and it would've felt like I was fishing for sympathy. Likewise I haven't posted anything on SM because it doesn't feel appropriate.

I feel very let down and hurt by the lack of support and contact, but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting because I'm grieving?

I'm sorry for your loss. It's very difficult to know what to say when there is a bereavement. Your friends didn't know and maybe they expected you to to tell them.
Maybe your friends have not been bereaved and don't know what it is like for you.

I'm sorry to hear this but I would simply put it down to them waiting to find out if 'you' wanted to talk it through and them not bringing it up in case it triggered an emotional response that they aren't sure how to deal with. I am sorry you are feeling this way but most people are hesitant in these situations so bringing up the fact that she did pass away and telling them you just need a friend to be a shoulder to cry on, will definitely fo a long way in letting them know what you need and possibly they might be more supportive if you simply reach out instead of feeling as though you were only phishing for sympathy. X

Thank you MikeUniformMike, I appreciate your kind words. I don't know if they did expect me to tell them, but they knew her death was imminent – the hospital told us and I had told my friends. Most of them have lost a parent already, so perhaps a grandparent isn't as big a deal?

I'm sorry for you loss.

i think lots of people don't know how to react, and think by giving you space they are helping.

I've been the friend in this situation earlier in the year, I was checking in with my friends DH and he kept says she was doing okay so i left it thinking space was what she needed. It turns out I was wrong, she needed me to check more (with her not her DH,) and saying "let me know if you need anything or if I can do anything" would never be called upon.

We ended up having a big chat after she emailed me (and others i believe ) to say she was disappointed in the lack of support and I now have a better feeling of what she and others might need.

So I guess I'm trying to say in a long winded way is, if you want support and its not forth coming please reach out and be honest with them. Also I think when you're in the thick of grieving its hard to think thats although your world has been turned upside down others carry dealing with their own stresses.

I hope today is a bit easier than yesterday.

Mammabear88 I guess that could be the case. I'm a pretty open book usually though, so I thought my friends knew me well enough to just ask. I don't feel comfortable messaging them to say it's happened, like it's putting them on the spot.

I know I'm definitely overthinking this because of how I'm feeling!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

However if you want support you need to tell your friends. I would assume you didn't want to talk about it if you hadn't raised it so I certainly wouldn't be the first to ask.

Also hospitals talking of imminent deaths doesn't always mean it's about to happen. I've lots of experience of loss and when they've said it it's ranged from hours to months before the person has died

Are you saying your friends don't actually know that your DGM has died? If so, then very gently, YABU. Sorry. They can't be expected to guess if she has been in hospital and so unwell for so long. We were told that my own grandfather's death was imminent several times. Please let your friends know.

Thank CreativeMumma. I am very much where your friend was and it must've taken her a lot to email you, so good for her. I'm not quite there yet. I'm also upset that the message my friend texted this morning made no mention of it, it was all about her.

OMGithurts They knew she was in hospital and they knew when the doctors said she had only 48 hours left. It was pretty emphatic - she wasn't suddenly going to make a miraculous recovery! So I don't think I'm BU to be upset that I've heard nothing from them in the time since.

I think you should let them know.

But I know from personal experience that people do make temporary recoveries, or linger on far longer. They are probably assuming that as you haven't got in touch that you want space. If they're not normally arseholes then I would assume they're not being arseholes now. They will probably be shocked that you felt you couldn't even tell them about your bereavement. Please let them know.

Honestly, I've been phoned by the hospital at 2am to drive urgently to a loved one who wouldn't survive the next few hours. He lived for 3 months after that.

You need to tell them.

There was a thread recently about what not to say - I probably would have offended a lot of the posters. You need to tell your friends that you are grieving.
Could you consider bereavement counselling? Sometimes people need support that friends or family can't give.

With greatest sympathy. You need to let them know. It's never a text anyone wants to write but if she's had a prolonged end maybe they weren't on alert for it. Even still- it's still down to you to tell them. I hope your grieving process is not too arduous- sounds like you were a loving granddaughter x