Stillbirth

[Onelankwen]

One of my best friends just sent me a message that she gave birth today at 7 months gestation and her baby died straight after the birth. I’m devastated for her. She had a lot of trouble to get pregnant and then had lots of problems in the beginning of the pregnancy, but lately everything was going fine. I saw her last Tuesday and she was telling me she had an appointment with her gynaecologist today. I’m really at a loss at how to react to this news. I don’t want to say or do anything that might upset her. Could anybody give me some tips please?

Say how terribly sorry you are, ask her name,
Drop a meal round, text her regularly
Do things. I don’t know. Pop in and tidy Up

Talk about the baby

My niece was still born on her due date 22 years ago - those things helped (except it was phone calls or popping in )

Oh m word, I'm so sorry for her.
Y3s, please ask her name & is she wants to talk about her.
I appreciated practical help although wasn't aware at the time, but ready cooked meals or easy stuff that could be put into the freezer was so helpful when we really couldn't think about feeding ourselves.
No flowers - they die too quickly - maybe a plant in a few months.
Texts that dont ask questions or require a response - just le5 her know that you're thinking of them, little & often.
It's such a hard time, don't expect replies necessarily.

pickle - i understand where you are coming from but with the greatest respect - could you start your own thread on this please rather than hyjack the op's.

OP - dont avoid her - i felt incredibly isolated and lonely. (and i wasnt as far on as your friend)

how sad. you sound lovely.

I had a stillbirth last April at 24w and hope this helps;

The best things that people said to me were 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you'.
She will be in shock and i didnt find it useful to be bombarded with regular messages at a time where i was struggling to comprehend what the hell had just happened. Some took it as an invite to check in daily, i blocked them temporarily as i just couldn't deal with it. So be mindful of this if you arent getting replies. It us a lot to deal with on top of decisions and practicalities like funerals finerals6and follow ups at the hospital. She will also be hormonal and tired which makes even the best-intended clumsy comment so upsetting.

'How are you doing' was much more easy to answer than 'how are you' as it went up and down so much in the first few days and weeks, almost by the hour. You are also inviting her to talk about it if she wants. I appreciated hearing and talking about normal stuff though as well.

Tell her you want to hear about her baby when she is ready. Only one person asked me my baby's name.

Take things to eat /freeze/ reheat.... we lived on toast for about a week as had no appetite to cook or eat. Don't go unannounced or stay unless invited to. For two months i only let one close friend and the bereavement MW through my front door. It was easier (with time) to see people outside so i was in control of when i had had enough.

Things not to say:
Will you try again? (I am 29w with my rainbow but he will never replace my first baby and this just dismisses it as trivial, this baby lived for several months and will be missed forever)
Things happen for a reason (made me want to scream!)
They are in a better place (no!)
Hope you are ok? (The answer is also no....)
You are so strong/brave (not true and there is no alternative, you don't choose to be in this club)
You must be feeling so 'insert adjective here' (pissed me right off, unless you have bern there, you have no idea)

Sands has some good resources. You are a great friend for wanting to support her as it is such an isolating time. The online community is great and thanks to MN i am in a FB group of other stillbirth mums who are all amazing. DM me if i can help x