TRYING TO SUPPORT DH AFTER LOSS OF HIS MUM

[motheroffourcats]

We lost DH's mum late last year.She had bee ill for some time so it was sort of likely to happen.DH seemed to be coping quite well at first.He was busy organising funeral and wake and notifying family, work colleagues and her friends.He took some time off work to do things and be with his sister.Since Christmas he's sunk into sadness and isolation. He is back at work but seems 'lost'. I ask if he can talk to me but he answers :he wants to be on his own.How can I help him?

Sorry for your loss.

The first few weeks are always busy with contacting everybody, organising the funeral etc etc. Then afterwards, as you have found, the loss is realised and feelings plummet.

The best thing my dh did for me was simply to be there and do things around the house and with dc so that I didn’t have to think about the day to day running of things.

Thank you. He's a quiet person generally. I am trying to do my best to support him.I am speaking about his mum and reminding him of good times we all spent together. Her illness was long term and the passing was sort of expected but you don't know when it's going to actually happen.I think he immersed himself into arranging the funeral and now the realisation has come that the visits to her house to check she's eaten, had something to drink and make her more comfortable and run any errands for her have ended.There is a void in all our lives.The practicalities of clearing her home and personal stuff like clothes will only happen when DH and his sister are in the right place to want to do that. I have a difficult relationship with his sister so I can only help if they want my help. Time is needed but I feel helpless at the moment. I'll give it time.

When I lost my Df in 2017 after a long battle with cancer dh just gave me space.Personally I would be liked more affection.However he did more chores and allowed me time to watch a film alone and just adjust to the new normal.Grief can feel isolating.I think the hardest bit is three to six months in.Sorry you are going through this.Personally I felt normal around 9 months to a year.

Could he spend a bit more time with his sister. When I lost my nephew I found it easier to be with my siblings than my husband, however caring he was. It’s just it was easier to grieve with people who were going through the same thing. I also agree with trying to take some of the every day burdens off him for a while so he can focus on himself.

Being with my brother was very important to me, especially in the first few months, as he was the only one who truly knew how I felt. Is there any way they can spend time together as it may help them to grieve?

One thing that really helped us was to spend time at my mums house together. To start with it was simply sitting there, then having coffee, then lunch etc. Eventually we started sorting her stuff out, and sometimes that was together but not always.

However for now that void is huge and nothing can fill it yet. Just give him time and love. Perhaps suggest some counselling with Cruse?

Hi. Sorry for leaving the thread.

My DH has moved out of our home and is now being even less communicative than he was before.

I think it must be my fault. I'm not doing the right things. I'm not saying the right thing. I don't know what to do or say. He's ignoring me. It upsets me and makes me cry. He'll not open whatsapp messages but presumably he can see there are messages on there from me and he actively chooses not to open them. I don;t know what is going on. How can I get through to homand get him to open up? I've asked for us to talk about things. The message gets opened (eventually) and then ignored. He shut me out totally.

What can I do? We lost his mum and now I've lost my husband as well. What's gone on?

Sounds like he’s not coping well with his grief and is lost and doesn’t know what to do. He may be experiencing depression, a trip to his GP would probably be a good idea if he was prepared to go. Although that is a big step and he might not be there yet. Sorry you’re going through this, it’s very difficult when you are grieving yourself.

This isn’t your fault, lovelie, any of it