I know it's too early to think like this, but....

[mellongoose]

Last weekend we had the horrible news at our 20 week scan that our baby wouldn't make it. Severe spina bifida which had already caused problems with the brain.

We made the heart breaking/merciful decision to end the pregnancy. I delivered on Sunday. A girl. She was beautiful and looked just like her big sister. We called her Lily (for purity) Wren (our littlest one).

This has been the worst experience of my life.

We have a DD who is 4. I'm 42 and DH has just turned 49...the day after she was born in fact. We have been assured that this was a one off. Not age related or lifestyle related (we are pretty normal/healthy).

I will never forget my girl and I think about her all the time. My rational head says to stop thinking about trying again. My hormones need to know that a baby will be coming home. I can't resolve this in my head. DH is scared stuff to try again and states his age. He's being sensible but I cannot accept never bringing another baby home.

Please help me. I'm lost and don't know how to process this. I'm usually quite sensible but I'm not in my right mind.

I have no idea how to help but how awful and sending you much love. Keep talking to each other maybe give yourself a few weeks breathing space before you discuss again. I imagine the grief is very raw. I appreciate age is against you but a few weeks won't make a difference to ttcbut could really help with rational discussion. Sadly it won't help the grief I'm sure. Xxx

Ah, sweetheart. That's tough. Be kind to yourself. Don't rush any decisions.

I always recommend this space for babylost parents

Oh that’s so sad. I’m sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage between my first and second child, and I know that having her helped me get over the loss. I was younger though but I have two friends who had successful pregnancies at 43 and 44. I can also see your husband’s point though as at 50 myself, I couldn’t imagine having a baby now as a woman. But if he was happy to try for your last pregnancy?

Thank you for coming back.

Most of the advice I've read speaks of women going on to have successful pregnancies. Whilst this will never replaces a lost baby, it does help with the healing process.

Too much too soon. It's almost a week to the minute she was born sleeping. My little darling.

Sorry for your loss @mellongoose

I wonder how things are you for now and whether you’ve discussed this further

I think it’s completely natural to think about this. It is only ten days since my baby girl was born sleeping but we have already thought about and discusded having another baby. It’s inevitable that we would want to. She was my first though. We don’t have any other children. It’s normal to want to bring a baby home.

My husband is on board with trying again but I think more so because he wants to give me a baby (she was my only child but he has two sons).

Anyway my point was going to be I don’t know what your DH is like but I know mine is likely to become more stressed if I was getting to caught up in wanting another. He knows I want another baby at some point and I’m not really talking about it much anyway as I’m still physically recovering from the birth of my daughter but I think I’d be careful with him not to show how much I wanted another baby, if it got to a point where I was obsessive about it, as it would stress him out and make things harder. I don’t know whether that helps you...

Good luck 💐