Stillbirth

[Finley18]

My hearts breaking as I write, but please somebody tell me this pain gets easier. I lost my little boy New Year’s Eve we went in to be induced at 41+5 days and they could not find his heart beat, I gave birth to him later that night and he was perfect there was no reason for his death he was a big boy a healthy 9lb 3 and I’m only small so was huge, I just feel he had no space left in there and it caused him distress 😢 we consented to a post Morton but I don’t want to wait for results to try for another baby as it could take over 15 weeks I don’t no if it’s part of the grieving that I feel this way and I would never want to feel I’m trying to replace him, I can’t leave the house for fear of bumping into new mums, me and my partner are just so broken, I’m just thankful for our other children as there helping us through this horrible time in our life

Oh Hon no words to help but so v sorry. Sending a hug of support xxx

So sorry for your loss. That sounds awful. Please go and see your GP for advice as most places have counselling services that you can be referred to or self refer to. When a family member had a stillbirth they recommended that she wait 3 months before trying again but that guidance may have changed.

So sorry for your loss ❤️

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I was in your position last year and i promise that it does get easier.

You need to just focus on getting through each day at the moment. Make sure you're eating as well as you can manage and try to get out of the house when you feel like you can.

Does your hospital have bereavement midwives? If so, contact them as often as you need to for support.

I know that desperate need to have a baby, but make sure you give your body time to recover. We decided not to try again after my daughter was stillborn, but I have also had multiple miscarriages and found it harder physically to go through the next pregnancy when there was a small gap between miscarriage and the next pregnancy. I can imagine it would be harder still if I had become pregnant so soon after a full term pregnancy. I found that the desperate feeling to have a baby eased after around two weeks. That's not to say that you will change your mind, but there's a lot of hormones going on in your body at the moment and once that calms down it will help you to make a decision based on what's right for you rather than what your hormones are telling you.

Leaving the house is hard. I would spend an hour trying on outfits to hide what was left of my bump and make sure I just looked fat rather than like I might be pregnant, so that no one asked me about it. Maybe start by going out for a walk in the evenings? It is good for you to get out of the house when you feel like you can.

Do you have someone you can talk to about your baby? I always appreciated anyone who would talk to me about my daughter as a person rather than the baby I lost. You can tell us about your baby if that would help?

I am so sorry

I have been where you are now op. I am so incredibly sorry that you are going through this. We lost our dd in 2017. The desperate urge to be pregnant again is totally normal. It is always worth chatting to your gp or consultant if you can as they are normally really good at advising if your body is ready to cope. I think from what I remember if you had a straightforward pregnancy and a vaginal birth they would advise around a 3 month wait.
Time does funny things to you whilst you are grieving though. When they said that to me I couldn't bear the idea of not being pregnant for that long, but in the depths of my grief that time now seems like it was very short.
We waited for the post mortem results and follow up tests and investigations all of which took nine months. When we got pregnant again I was glad that we had had that amount of time to be with her and grieve and learn who we were again a small bit before getting pregnant. But every person is different.
I wish I could say that it gets better. It gets different. You learn coping strategies and you seek support from others who know what you are going through. The grief itself changes but you never stop missing them. There are loads of support avenues open to you. Sometimes you need to take steps to find them. I hope there is a local SANDS group to you. They are truly fantastic people and they get it. There is also a large online community both on the SANDS forum and instagram/ twitter.
What is your babies name? Is he your first baby? Please talk about him and your pregnancy here if you wish. Also DM me anytime if you want.

Sorry for you loss,
Thankyou for your kind words, I have a bereavement midwife she’s so lovely and helps us a lot and the family support we have is amazing but I still feel so alone I can’t bring myself to put any of his things away and we talk about him a lot but just break down I think because it’s so raw, he Was our 4th baby we have two older daughters and a 2 year old son and Finley was going to be our last baby so not knowing the reason for him being taken breaks our heart more he was just so beautiful and came out pink and warm I just wished him to open his eyes he was my biggest baby and my first to have thick dark hair my others were all born without, I just feel like this pain is never going to end x

@Finley18 did you get to spend time with him at the hospital? I am glad that your family are being supportive. SANDS also has guidance for helping out older siblings and there are some children's books that are written for them as well. I am sure that they are devastated as well and will be so confused.
Finley sounds gorgeous. Did you do some of the memory making things with him?
Our funeral directors let us go in to see DD any time we wanted before her funeral service, and they were incredibly caring and careful with her.

He was born at 11:18pm we had him on delivery suit but was a room made for stillborn babies with a cuddle cot so we stayed for 15 hours the time just went by so quickly and I just wanted to hold him in my arms it was heart breaking leaving the hospital but knowing we are allowed to see him when he gets back from his pm brings me some comfort, we are getting in touch with winstons wish for the children to help them through there grief I have a memory box and made a shadow box frame which is on our wall with his sleepsuit, hat and other bits in also hand and foot prints in a frame we just want him acknowledged as much as possible the worst time for me is mornings and night I can’t sleep as feel guilty and trying to eat but drinking plenty of tea which I hated before I had him x

I am glad you got some time with him and that you can see him again. and that there are resources that can help your older kids.
Your shadow frame sounds lovely. It has taken me over a year to realise that some people will be able to remember my baby with me, so she was included in their Christmas card wishes to our family etc and some people find that harder. Mostly people are kind and nice but sometimes they struggle as society in general are useless at dealing with death and grief (particularly baby death). But as long as you include him, there will be others who do too. When I explained to close families members how terrifying I found the idea that my baby would be forgotten that was a real turning point in my relationship with them. I have also explained to some work colleagues that it doesn't hurt me to talk about her, it hurts me when I feel I can't talk about her.
It is so early days for you. You are doing great. Tea is good, and anything else you can manage will be good too. Don't expect too much of yourself over the next weeks and months. It's a hard hard road, but you will take Finley along with you on that road and he will always be there. They never leave us. We are their moms and will always be.
One thing I found really comforting was when someone told me that your baby changes your dna. So you actually will always carry a little bit of him inside you.

Oh Finley18 I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby boy.
If it helps at all I can share that I also lost my baby boy at 40+10 (no heartbeat then was induced) in August 2017.
In my experience the pain was very shattering in the first couple of weeks and the urge to have another immediately was very strong too.
I think the body is confused that there is no newborn and there is this need to replace it.

A friend told me that it takes around two years to learn to live with such a major loss, that sort of helped when I felt that I should not still be feeling bad.

I’m a Christian and have felt the comfort of God when grieving. Also talking to people and some counselling. A giant teddy bear to hold as my arms felt empty.
It’s very hard and sending you lots of love.

Just remembering how disoriented I felt in the early days and how I wanted a kind of road map through my grief.
This book was helpful for me when I was starting the grieving process
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0961519762/ref=asc_df_096151976257878917/?hvlocphy=1006661&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=311219507756&creative=22110&hvpone&hvlocint&creativeASIN=0961519762&th=1&hvpos=1o1&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforum-21&hvtargid=pla-490588698179&hvrand=10837633800291966466

So sorry

I agree that you should wait a little while longer, it's still so fresh. Decide on when you should try again when your head is a little clearer. Focus now on Finley's Day and how you can make it special for him, get all the cuddles and keepsakes you can in the time you have with him. God I wish I could hold my baby boy one more time. When I had JJ in July, i gave birth to him on the Thursday and didn't leave him until the Sunday and was completely beside myself every day that I was away from him until we got to see him again at the home, the day I got the call you've never seen me move so fast. Take videos, share moments with the children, are you taking him home at any point because that is an option too. Jasper's Day although difficult and heart breaking helped get me through the first few weeks as I felt like I was doing something for him, I'd never get to do anything for him again, not with him here and I wanted it to be perfect. I still wish I'd done more. As for it getting easier....for me it has got harder, I almost feel like I was coping better shortly after than what I do now, but now I'm just in a darker place and then I was in a place of overwhelming grief. But then I'm told it gets harder before it gets easier. Anyway....before I set myself off I'm going to end it there. I hope so much that you find peace. I'll tell my angel baby to keep a look out for Finley and take care of him.

I have no words to offer guidence, but I just want to say I'm so very sorry, I can't begin to comprehend what your feeling right now. I'm sending my love for you all, and for your baby boy. Xx

Thankyou everyone for ur such kind words I never new so many people had actually gone through this heart ache I’m so sorry to you all, I just long to hold my little boy again and waiting for the phone call to tell me I can is agonising I no it’s going to get harder the day we have to officially say goodbye to Finley I feel I don’t no how Im going to cope but no I have to be strong for my other children I’m lucky we have been blessed with them but it still doesn’t make it any easier, I felt Finley move the day befor I went in to be induced so I’m always questioning what if we went in a day earlier was I asleep when he passed away why didn’t I realise he had stopped moving I think I’m just blaming myself but I just can’t help it now I’m told we would be monitored more and I would be induced earlier if we decided to have another child as our pregnancy would be classed as high risk it’s sad it’s taken for us to loose our dear son for us to be looked after more I just miss him so much I can’t breath 😢😔

So sorry for the loss of your baby son Finley

I'm so very sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine how you must be feeling for you

sorry for your loss @Finley18

I am reading posts similar to my own situation after losing my daughter at 40 weeks and I can relate to so much of what you are saying including what if I’d gone to hospital sooner etc. I think that’s normal but try not to dwell on these thoughts (I say this as much to myself as to you) as for me the idea I could have prevented this is one of the most upsetting things. I feel most “ok” with things when I accept it just happened and it’s not down to anything I did or didn’t do.