Grieving a the person he no longer is

[FootballFan10]

I hope it's ok to post this here, just looking for a bit of support

My Dad has a terminal brain tumour & over the last 2yrs or so has drastically changed. It's been a rough road but slowly I'm starting to accept what's happening/going on.

It's taken me until recently to accept the diagnosis & start preparing (if u even can) for the worst. Part of me feels massively guilty for rarely seeing him but after I've seen him, I feel I'm grieving the person he no longer is - this is normal right?

Friends and family keep telling me it will get easier but I don't see how

So sorry for what you and your family & dad are going through OP. It is indeed a tough road and I don't think it'll get easier for a long time. There's something called 'anticipatory grief' which is probably what you are feeling now. Do try to see him as often as you can manage, even if it's just to give him a hug or share a cup of tea - it will help with the inevitable guilt afterwards I think. And go with the flow of the grief when you need to. Tears are an entirely reasonable response. Take care.

One other thought, Macmillan have an online forum for families coping with this situation. You can post anonymously but it's such a comfort to know that whatever you say or feel, there will always be someone there who absolutely understands. It can be a lifeline.

Thank you so much for your reply.

He has a fabulous Macmillan nurse via a hospice & the counselling there has been great but definitely worth knowing about the online forum.

Dear Football Fan, my Dad died last year as a result of Dementia and it changed him so much. The things he said to me at different points were hurtful and rude and inappropriate. He also said some beautiful things! But it changed him and robbed up prematurely of my Dad - he was gone before he was gone. And I find it so hard to get my head around that. It sounds like your Dad could well be in the same place - here but not 'here'.

Have you read option B yet? I feel so cliched in recc that to you. But it's really helped me - grief and grieving are not weak things to do. They are purposeful and important parts of processing loss and I appreciate what they are doing with and for me, as I go on in a new world without my Dad in it.

PS. First time I have written or said "My Dad died last year". That's a kicker. He died at the end of Jan last year. Still no easier.

My dad is very ill and i understand completely what you are talking about. It is so painful watching him disappear, i cried for days and days over Christmas.
It feels like that scene in Back to the Future where he is looking at the photo fading away. It is so hard.
It feels like i am grieving but he is still here.
I am so sorry you are going through this pain. Love to you tonight x

I’m sorry about your dad FootballFan10. I’m in a similar situation - my dad has recently been diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour and associated dementia. His decline has been rapid and I am utterly heartbroken. I swing from desperately wanting to see/hold him as much as possible to dreading visits as they leave me feeling so helpless and bereft.

I am the same, I am trying to spend as much time as possible with dad because I feel time is running out, but I cry all the way home.

How lucky I have been.

Oh 3luckystars, wishing you love and strength. I just saw what you wrote about the photo fading. It choked me up as it sums up how I feel about my dad slipping away.

OP it is completely normal to feel the way you do. Have a look at dementia grief and anticipatory grief, both of which you might be experiencing now.

My Dad recently died with dementia, caused by Parkinsons. It is hard to understand just how horrible it is unless you've been there, I know. You lose the person you love slowly, and my experience is that you might not like the person they become in the process which brings up all sorts of complicated feelings!

Things got easier once my Dad actually died. The relief is enormous, and now I can remember who he was for most of his life, and grieve that. This is easier than watching him decline, waiting for him to die. It's agonising. I'm sorry you are going through this.