coroners court advice please

[hazygirl]

it is six months since our grandson died and things have been bad since then inquest opened in december and adjourned .it was prob cot death we have desperately wanted to get on with inquest which they said would be april poss ,we need answes .my daughter not sure if she could cope she is pregnant due on grandsons bday ,so hopefully come early or late i cant celebrate anything on that date at times i have wondered if i could survive to that date, i am recieving concelling and have been referred to mental healthteam.i want to go to inquest to support my hubby but afraid if i have to speak will end a blubbering mess and they will think i am stupid ,has any one been please help

I went to what I thought was a support meeting following the death of my daughter during her afternoon sleep in January. (My little girl was two years and two weeks old and fit and well and a little livewire.)

The meeting turned out to be a formal reading of her autopsy results.

I think you have to go if you can - for your daughter's sake and for your grandson's sake. I cannot say that it helped - it was extremely painful to hear - but it is over and one less thing hanging over us.

Your daughter or you are very welcome to contact me if you so wish. gggglimpopo at hotmail dot com.

I belong to a group for bereaved parents and one thing that I have learned is that we all grieve at different rates and in different ways. We met a woman in March whose daughter died 8 months ago and who was in a terrible state; she had not moved on at all from that terrible period where everything is so black and senseless and all you live is the awful sadness. We have had to choice but to "conquer" our outward grief, to literally hide the depth of the anguish, as our other 5 children were suffering and it was too much for all of us. We had to literally get up and walk with the living, even though we were dying inside. It is an act, but the more you do it, the easier it is.

There is no right and wrong, we are all different. It is not a case of coping or not - we just have to continue somehow.

Your daughter is very lucky to have you and your husband. My parents have died and it is at times like this where parental support is so important.

i hoped it would be april ,i just feel unable to feel happy with new baby girl coming ,i try honest , but how can u with this iloved my grandson so much .never a day went by without him been there ,he was so special to us ,just like the girls are the youngest has just had kidney removed god that was i hard i am not religous but prayed to god to make it go well for us .i admire you, i really do , i am really trying to sort myself out , i can go to work laugh,be like i used to be, have fantastic times with my grandaughters .then suddenly they go and i go to bed and stay there ,luckily i work nights so i can be anti sociable

Hi, hazygirl and ggglimpopo,
I have read yur postings, having just joined mumsnet.
I lost my little boy back in 2003. He was two years and nine months and died of meningitis.
I just wanted to say that my heart really does go out to both of you,but 4 years down the line, things really are alot easier.
I still miss my son everyday and find it hard to believe that he would have been 7 last week, but the hurt dose lessen and gradually, your life takes over and the pain gets easier. My other two children, who came along afterwards, really pulled me through and even now when anniversaries come around, I feel grateful that I have them and it somehow gets me through.
Stay brave...and just ask, I will try and help with any thing I can.X

hi ojorose i am sorry about your son and i am glad it gets easier and hurts less everyone tells you life gets easier but somedays it is hard to believe that.maybe if we get answers then ok but i find it hard. i need the inquest to find some end to it,maybe when new baby comes she will fill this hole i dont know

Hi again Hazygirl,
Yes I think that you are right, it probably will be easier to deal with if you have some answers.
I didn't attend my son's inquest, purely because we had already been given our answers by the pathologist. At the time, it made things alot worse, but the not knowing was even harder.
I think the main thing that helped was knowing that there was nothing I could have done to save my son. I had been beating myself up that I could have saved him, but there was absolutely nothing more I could have done...in fact my courses of action, probably gave him those few hours in which we could say goodbye.
I know what you are going through, but I promise with all my heart that you will begin to feel better further down the line. The important thing is to let yourself feel like this.X

the pathologist rang and told us he had found a couple of small things wrong with grandson but says it will prob be recorded as sids they are no answers even though we followed all the guide lines he went to sleep fine alert ...happy then he was gone

thanks smallwhitecat i didnt attend opening of inquest but my husband ,daughter and partner and his parents did, i looked after the children, i just wish there was closure its six months now . i rang him on monday and he said he was at final part ,sorting out which witness to call. i am dreading it cos i talk about grandson and end up a blubbering mess, i thought about asking my parents to come as they have been brill but they are in their seventies and tbh i never saw my dad cry till grandson died and i dont want him upset and making him ill

Hazycat, I know it is so dreadful that these things take so much time, but I suppose it needs to be that way for thoroughness. If the coroner is satisfied with the cause of death identified by the patholoigist is it possible that the inquest could be a desk based exercise by the coroner rather than a court hearing? If this is not offered maybe you could ask if it's possible? This is hopefully what we will be able to do but still meet with the pathologist seperately to ask questions.

Don't mean to alarm you but we have been advised, from a number of professionals involved, that it is likely a journalist would attend the court hearing, seems to be standard practice in the case of a young child. While you obviously wouldn't have to speak to them, you should be prepared.

It sounds like you are being wonderfully supportive and managing as well you as you can. Getting some help is a big step I think, I'm not that courageous yet. I echo ggg's post about having to continue.

it will be in coroner court the journalist was ther last time and most of the stuff she wrote was wrong i didnt see it a friend did,the coroner said it takes time because of all the tests that are carried out ,it was seventeen weeks after he died that he rang to give his findings

So sorry you have to go through that again. It's been a 4.5 month wait for us so far so can sympathise with the wait you have had.
The only comfort in going through this whole process is that at least we will know as much as we can and finally deal with whatever that brings - which ultimately has to be better than the not knowing.
It's just unimaginable that any of us are in the position of having to go through this terrible time, these things are just not meant to happen.
Take care of yourself.