Is my Aunt BU ? Trigger warning.

[CarrotTop6]

My dad took his own life a few weeks ago.

The details of his death meant it wasn’t recorded as a suicide but a mismanagement of his long term illness, but I knew of his suicidal intentions a few months ago and had been expecting some news like this for some time.

Anyway.
My DF was living with his DM following a series of events, and my aunt had expressed her concern at this, as my DF has form for ‘borrowing’ money from her. My DGM has dementia now also, and is easily confused.

My aunt told my DF a day before his attempt (he actually died a week later) that she wanted him out of the house. My DF has nothing and nowhere to go. I do not live nearby (else would have had him at my small house)

My aunt organised the funeral, which my (well off) DGM paid for from her savings. My aunt asked my brother and I to contribute to the funeral costs - it was a bare minimum funeral, no flowers, cardboard coffin, no one doing the service for us.

My brother and I are not in any position to pay for anything, we are both young and I have a young child (and I’m a stay at home parent). I ignored this request.

My aunt has also said that this loss is so awful for her DM and that we should be thinking of her at this time, as her loss is the greatest. In the next breath she added ‘but who wants the ashes because DM doesn’t want them in the house.’

My DF had minimal belongings, which have all been dumped in DGM shed, literally just clothes, books, records and a few tools. Aunt told me we were welcome to take anything we wanted, ‘bevause she wants it all gone before X day, when it’ll be taken to the tip.’

I asked if I could take some books (that have my DF handwriting in) and some tools (we shared a love for the garden, and I like the thought of something of his helping in the garden)

She emailed us on the evening after the funeral, to tell us we were welcome to have what we liked at ‘mates rates’ and anything we didn’t want was now going to be sold on to pay for the funeral. This was written like a dig at the fact neither of us have contributed towards the costs of the funeral.

I don’t know if it’s the fact I am grieving, or that this is actually a despicable thing to do. I’d like to add that my brother is on the poverty line, and even if he would like some of Dads things (I imagine he does) he simply can’t afford to buy them from our aunt. Even at ‘mates rates’

I hope that makes some kind of sense.

How awful for you. Your aunt sounds like a right charmer. How bad is your DGM dementia? Does she understand your DF has died?

She has been so dreadful the last few weeks I almost feel like it’s some sort of set up to see how long til I snap and tell her to fuck right off. (Swearing makes her eyes bulge, so I am holding out til the optimum moment)

My GM’s dementia is mild apparently, I do think she needs someone to look after her full time (which was what my DF was doing) as my aunt is the benefactor to her money, I think she sees my DGMs savings as ‘hers’ and won’t pay for a carer etc. As it will eat into her inheritance!

I think she understands that Dad has gone and it has brought back the feelings of losing my DGF. ( a few years ago now) but she didn’t say much during the funeral or wake and I think her and my aunt feel they contributed to his death in some way.

Think need to seperate the issues.

You said your dad would "borrow" money so your Aunt is probably feeling bitter that he has had hangouts that she hasn't.

I understand you are low income but he is your Dad so l don't think it's unreasonable for your Aunt to ask for financial input to the funeral and to ignore the request is rude especially as it seems to have fallen on your Aunt to sort it all out.

Not everyone wants ashes in their house to deal with. Maybe you or your brother should collect and deal with them.

Saying you need to collect before X day otherwise it's going to the tip was very blunt but again they don't want stuff hanging around.

I do not agree with you having to pay for your Dad's item's. That is disgraceful. They are not your Aunt's belongings to make that decision. I agree that anything you don't want should be sold to pay for the costs.

As his children and heir to his estate (assuming he wasn't married) are you not entitled to his belongings?
I know this holds little water as it would also make you in line to pay for the funeral.
Sorry you are facing this, for perspective I have found much to our detriment that people behave bizarrely during times of grief.
Try not to take any of these actions personally, yes it would be nice to have some of your fathers things as keepsakes but not at the expense of your finances or moreso your dignity or self worth.
You have what is most valuable already and that is memories, really possession or sale of your fathers belongings will not bring anyone any more comfort.
I'm very sorry for your loss xx

I do agree it was not unreasonable to ask for something towards the funeral, and if I had it I would have absolutely given it. Any money I did have spare was spent on travelling back to be at the funeral and staying over etc.

The trouble is, the things he had are worthless. We are talking third, fourth hand condition, old, dusty, dirty. No one in their right mind would pay for them. They aren’t assets in any way. Apart from a trailer and a lawn mower, but even then it would be a pittance to shift it.

Thankyou @ThisIsWhatItSoundsLike

I have noticed that people act bizarrely in times of grief, i am trying to stay out of it as much as possible, this business with my aunt really is the cherry on the cake of ridiculous expectations and behaviours, but I’d be here all day trying to explain it.
I am the youngest in our family, a long way off being 30 yet, and yet all the ‘adults’ (the adultier adults!) have turned to me.
I would like to add I did originally organise the funeral and wake, but at the last minute my aunt took over and changed all the plans to suit herself (and my gran - which is fair enough for her)

My mother is telling me to be grateful that my aunt has organised the funeral and to be aware of how hard it has hit everyone else (ie not me) and that the alternative would have been worse. ( my mum and dad weren’t together when he died and haven’t been for well over a decade)

Did your DF have a will?

Just a thought but unless he had a will leaving his belongings to his mother/sister then his belongings go to his next of kin which is you and your brother

I'm so sorry you lost your dad.

Your dad's belongings will go to you and your brother. They are nothing whatsoever to do with your aunt.

Your dad's mother has the money to pay for the funeral. She's paid for it, now, right? There is nothing for you and your brother to pay for.

It sounds as though your aunt is being greedy, thinking that her own future inheritance from her mother is being eroded. Unless your grandmother rewrites her Will, though (which probably wouldn't be valid now if she's suffering from dementia) then you and your brother would probably inherit your dad's share anyway.

Your mum needs to keep out of it.

Sorry for your loss. Make an eye bulging exit and leave her to her own devices.
She sounds horrible.
Have you got any photos of your df /and you to make an album in his memory? Don't part with any cash. Your df will want you to spend on your dc, not line her pockets.

He didn’t have a Will unfortunately. And I wasn’t sure if we were ‘entitled’ to his things, the way it is being dealt with is ‘whoever pays for the funeral, gets anything of monetary value.’

Thankyou all for being so understanding.

Also, I have been given the task of closing his bank account, my aunt gave me ‘instructions’ and had circled the amount they believe he had in there.

It’s £70.

She has then written on it ‘any cash in the account to be given to grandmother as she is ‘out of pocket’ due to the funeral.’

In my more angry thoughts I do feel that as his mother, that its rather tough shit. If my child died I would take responsibility for all the costs, whether he/she had kids of their own or not. Obviously if people offered (meaning they have it to give) I would be grateful. But ultimately just because your children grow up they don’t stop being yours.

I am very sorry for your loss. Your Aunt is being awful, and I can totally understand why you are upset. It sounds like she harboured a lot of resentment towards your Dad, built up over many years, and is taking it out on you and your brother.

However, legally speaking, I think she is correct. As his next of kin, given that he died without a will, you are entitled to his belongings but also responsible for the costs of the funeral.

No, they're not responsible for the costs of the funeral, but any money he had in his account should be used for funeral costs. Your aunt is legally right but sounds a nightmare. Has she suffered a lot as a result of your dad's actions?

Not at all @hollow
My aunt is firmly middle class, has a few properties, had a great relationship with their parents.

I think it is more that she saw my dad (and my uncle) as embarrassments because they shunned the keeping up with the Joneses lifestyle and were more attracted to the hippy way of living. I think she felt judged because of her brothers and has a v stuff upper lip !

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are having to deal with this massively unreasonable and shitty behaviour on top. As you have said, it is a despicable thing to put you through. They should be trying to make the logistics of this as easy as possible for you all, not add to heartache.
As others said, collect what you need and want from your DF's belongings and do not part with any cash for them. Is there a way of going to your DGM's when your aunt isn't around?

Thankyou so much @allusedup

Thankfully my aunt doesn’t live nearby my gran but annoyingly - neither do I.

As of this evening as well I have found out my brother has been offered some special pieces (sentimental jewellery, cds and some clothing) which I don’t begrudge him having at all. I was mainly angry thinking that he wouldn’t get the chance to have anything.

But then I found out my sister (who isn’t actually my fathers daughter) has laid claim to everything else, I have been offered the scraps,and for payment! Like a second thought, although if I hadn’t said anything I’d not have been thought of at all.

I honestly have no idea why I am being treated like this, why anyone involved thinks this is an acceptable way to treat me either. It’s like Iv been forgotten as his daughter at all (like I said, I live far away).

Iv spent the evening crying, then seething, and then crying again about it all.

Thankyou for your responses though, my mother has been gaslighting me about all of this so I am second guessing myself, but the issue remains - I’m his daughter and all I want is something to remember my dad by.

You poor thing, no wonder you've been seething and crying. To have had choice and control over what happens to your father's possessions taken away from you at a time like this is baffling and very hurtful. Why indeed have you been left out of this process and then been milked for leftovers... Has your sister actually taken everything else yet - are you able to talk to her directly?

I have spoken to my sister, well via Text.

She has told me to take any issues with her having what she’s entitled to (‘as she asked FIRST’) with our mother. And she was the one who told me that My bother has had things ‘set aside’ for him, although she will be looking after then as he can’t be trusted to keep it all safe. 🙄

I explained to my mum why I am upset and she has relayed the message to my sister as ‘Carrot says you are being horrible to her, and is bitching about you!’

My sister has then messaged me demanding to know exactly how she has been horrid as she has been ‘nothing but nice’ and then finished with a gaslighting message at the end of ‘anyway, love you, speak when you stop being so silly about it all’

Have now deleted my mum and sister from social media, have emailed my aunt to tell her I won’t be buying anything, and the last message to my mother I said never mind, I don’t want anything of dads.

Even thinking about it this morning is painful. I can’t help but wonder if it’s me that is the problem, as clearly no one seems to think their behaviour is wrong ?

Sorry for your loss Carrot

Their behaviour is wrong. They have treated you terribly. You are right to distance yourself from them. It must be awful to be dealing with all of this on top of the grief.

You are absolutely not the problem here. Everyone is being so terribly unthoughtful and unkind. To have your mum stirring things as well is beyond unreasonable. Agree that you are doing the right thing in distancing yourself from them. They need to know exactly what they have done and how it has made you feel at a time of great distress. I have lost my dad recently in the same way and even just hearing advice/opinions from extended family has given me the rage, so can only imagine what having this actually done to you must feel like. Look after yourself and hope you can take comfort amd strength from your own little family.

I am so sorry to hear @allusedup

Part of me has second guessed myself and wondered - am I being unreasonable because of the grief ? Am I looking for someone else to blame/ put my rage on?

But I do feel if they hadn’t have acted like this I wouldn’t have bitten back, or felt I had to go no contact with them.

I have felt more ragey than usual, normally when people say ‘if there’s anything you need?’ When I know they have no intention of actually doing anything... but I recognise this as a grief reaction!

I’ve spoken to a couple of friends about this today and both have dropped their jaws, which has reiterated to me that this behaviour is atrocious...!

OP - it isn't you. They all sound nasty.

What's done is done...in that your Dad's item's have been claimed elsewhere, npw you need to protect yourself from them and only get in touch when you feel ready too.

Recommend a book called It's Ok that you're not Ok by Megan Devine which is very comforting /validating in terms of feelings arising from grief etc. And also has good tips for how people can help (beyond the 'let me know if you need anything').

Thankyou both, I will have a look at that @allusedup ! X