Grieving - how long is normal

[grimbal]

I lost my father 3 months ago; his death was peaceful, for which I'm very grateful, but I'm now trying to deal with the 3 months before his death, which were fairly traumatic. Every time I think I'm getting somewhere, something like a question on Probate (still ongoing) comes up and brings it all up again.

This morning my husband told me, fairly forcefully, that I should be over it by now and it was not normal to still be upset at this stage. He is not a pleasant man, so actually has no idea how upset I really am much of the time - this is the first time in weeks he's caught me having a minor sniff, following a rather disturbing dream.

Am I normal? Help!

OP, you don’t have a bereavement problem, you have a husband problem. There is no “normal” with grief - it takes as long as it takes, and you need comfort, support and sympathy while going through it.
I’m still grieving my much loved DH, and it was 27 years ago this week that he died.
Why are you living with a man who is so unloving, and as you say “not a pleasant man”? Do you really want or need such a person in your life?

Exactly what Babdoc says. No ‘normal’ with grief and three months is no time at all, especially for a parent.
Your husband sounds like a complete and utter arse. Please don’t waste anymore of your life with this excuse for a man.

There's no time limit for grief, it's all in your own time and you shouldn't put any pressure on your self to be over it because you never will be. I lost my mum, who was only 52 on the 16th Aug this year, very traumatic and unexpected, I put so much pressure on myself to be 'over it' I actually made myself worse. Just go with your feelings and talk about them to a friend or another family member who might be experiencing similar pain to you. Your husband sounds like he's lacking compassion and empathy , I've come across a few people who haven't felt true heartbreak over the past few months that take the stance of 'move on'. Just take it easy on yourself x

There's no normal for grieving.

There's a normal for being a supportive partner of someone grieving and your DH falls well short. What a dick.

To some extent you will always be grieving. However, like how a tree's bark grows slowly around the place where the branch was cut off, slowly your life with a dad-shaped hole in it will begin to seem normal and familiar. You don't "get over" grief, you learn to live with it.

Are his parents dead? Does/did he love them? His attitude could maybe be understood if he had a bad relationship with his own parents, or if he had a good relationship but was abusivly coerced into not grieving for them.

The first year is always hard, grief is individual. My best friend died a few years ago - I still feel upset at points, but also happy at memories. look after yourself and give yourself time.

Thank you all so much for your messages of support; they are hugely appreciated.

There is not a 'set date' that you can draw a line over feeling bereaved. But eventually day by day, week by week, year by year you can think of your loved one with a smile on your face instead of a tear .

Three months is nothing. There are ebbs and peaks, and frankly, your husband sounds like a shit. Sorry. That's probably not what you need to hear. I lost my dad last July. My marriage isn't perfect but we'd be divorced if my DH took that attitude with me.

I just posted on the board for people who've lost a parent

My friend lost her mum 6 months ago and is finding it getting harder - I lost my dad a month ago after a long illness and memories of the illness will upset me for ages I think.

I think it's mad that your husband is saying these things.

I was hoping the whole probate business wouldn't be too upsetting as mum is absolutely broken and I don't want her to feel bad every time a letter comes.