I'm not sure why I'm writing this really I just feel really emotional this evening.
My nan died in February last year. It was such a shock because she wasn't ill- well nobody thought she was ill.
I'd spoken to her on the Monday and she said she wasn't feeling too well and had been to the doctors who had told her she had a viral infection. My mum had gone round Tuesday to see her and said she seemed ok. She was sat doing her hair when she got there. Wednesday morning I spoke to her on the phone and she was her usual self.
On Thursdays we always went into town to a cafe and had breakfast so I called her in the morning and she didn't answer either her home phone or her mobile. I called her a few more times and still no answer so I called my mum as I was worried. My mum had a spare key so she went round and she was laying in the hallway. I will never forget that phone call off my mum but I knew before she rang. I felt it in the pit of my stomach that something wasn't right.
I couldn't take in the information at the time. I feel like now i have accepted it. I can talk about her and smile, I can laugh about the things she said and did. I keep her memory alive with my dds. Only my eldest will remember her as she was 6 but we still write an Xmas card and birthday card and let them off into the sky with balloons.
However, I can't get over this feeling of guilt. It turns out that she died of bronchial pneumonia. I'm sure this should have been picked up at the doctors. She had had pneumonia 2 years before and spent 2 weeks in hospital. I feel guilty for not putting a complaint in at the GP practice. I feel guilty that she died alone, I feel guilty that she might have been scared, I feel guilty that I'd not told her how much I loved her.
She used to phone me on a night time. It was usually at bad times like when I was putting the kids to bed or was just about to get in the bath. It used to frustrate the hell out of me (not that i told her that). I'd do anything for those phone calls again.
I think it's this time of year. She was the hardest person ever to buy for. I used to walk the shops and scour online for hours on end to pick something. It was never right though. Clothes didn't fit properly, perfume didn't smell right and gift cards were lack of effort. Its weird not having to do that anymore.
My mum was in such a mess that I ended up taking over and sorting the funeral and all her bills and things so I didn't actually crumble until after the funeral. I just get days now where I wish she was here. I wish I could speak to her. Even to just say hi. I'd give anything.
Sorry it's long, just felt good to get it out
Thank you for taking the time out to read it