Lost my Grandmother

[purplepigs]

To say I am devastated is an understatement - had a call from a neighbour to say my Nan was unwell and drove up there, found that she has fallen over, ambulance called, she went to hospital when they said she had suffered a heart attack - she had an emergency procedure and never got any better. They prepared me as best they could and provided her with palliative care and said there was nothing more they could do.
16 hours later she died in her sleep.
This is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life.
We ere extremely close as we brought me up after my Mother died when I was extremely young - I do not know what it is to have a day when she isn't there.

I haven't eaten since it happened only eating a banana here and there - can't really sleep probably as I wake up and hope that it isn't really.

I can't get my head around it.

I haven't stopped crying since she passed

My head is pounding and my body aches.

I have no idea how I am going to get through this.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Must be very hard if she brought you up.

Try to take care of yourself as best you can. Have you got friends/family around who can help you get through this?

@AlexaShutUp yeh I have family and friends but right now I just don't want to do anything, don't want to see anyone - speak or eat

I can't sleep which isn't doing me any good

I guess this is all just part of the grieving process

I just feel so crap

My heart goes out to you. I was as close to my grandma, so I know how you must be feeling now. Take solace in the fact that your nan was loooked after, had palliative care and passed comfortably in her sleep. Just do whatever comes naturally now and just let yourself feel what you feel. Sending you strength x

@Aroundtheworldandback thank you.
Today I took myself back to her house. Found some of her nice clothes ready for when I can drop them off at the funeral place. I felt close to my Nan today when I was at her house.

So incredibly hard. What I found helped me a bit is taking home an old item of clothing of hers which had her scent, wrapping it in a plastic bag and whenever I wanted to feel close to her, taking it out. Hugs to you x

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my grandmother in April. She was told she had hours to live and started palliative care. It was horrendous as she held on for 11 days before she finally passed away.

Like you, my grandmother was like a second mum to me as we were really close.

All I can say to you is to take one day at a time and that time is a great healer. It will get easier.

So sorry for your loss. Just watched Fault in our stars about loss of a loved one. My darling Nan died after 10 years of dementia that led to Alzheimers. I’m so sorry you are going through this sadness and shock.

@Crazyladee
Thank you for your message.
I have really struggled to sleep last night woke up 3am and haven't really gone back to sleep since. I keep waking and thinking it is a dream.
Saturdays are going to be really hard for me as I would always go up and see her. Have some lunch. Make sure she was okay and didn't need anything and if for any reason I didn't go up I would always call her. So Saturdays I think I am going to struggle.

I just feel so guilty that I wasn't with her when she passed. I was with her hours before but missed the passing. I will always feel eternally guilty for that. I feel really low at the moment. Like at times I don't want to be here at the minute.

My partner has been amazing but I can't get my head round the fact that for the rest of my life I will never see her again. I have gone for angry to upset to angry to low

Help

Oh OP, I know exactly how you feel about her passing away without you being there.

It happened to me too. We all took it in turns to be by her side and she passed away hours before it was my turn to sit with her, but hours after I had left. I went though the stage of "why couldn't I have been there?" I'm actually glad I wasn't there to be honest. My last memories of my Nan are of me singing to her and talking to her and talking to her. I kissed her on the forehead and said "see you tomorrow"

You will just need to take this time to grieve and take one day at a time. My Nan loved the colour lilac and so I have planted a lilac tree in my garden. I was allowed to have some of her ashes and so I planted them around the lilac tree. I can't tell you how much comfort I get from that tree. I can see it from my kitchen window and I will talk to her and say "morning Nan" when I am washing up. Perhaps you can do something similar?

You will never stop missing her, but the pain will lessen, I promise. Yesterday for the first time I listened to the song that was played at her funeral (Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocceli - Time to Say Goodbye) as up to now the memories were too painful to listen to that song. Yesterday I still felt upset but time does heal pain.

Just wanted to offer a hug OP and ask you not to feel guilty. My mum died two weeks ago having made it to the hospice a few hours earlier. The nurses there warned me that no matter how long I stayed with her, I might not be there for the end, because it so often happens during the couple of minutes that you pop to the loo or to get a drink. She said sometimes the person dying seems to need their loved one to leave so they can let go. So please don't feel you let your grandmother down - it sounds like you were really there for her in life.