Chapel of rest, should i go?

[sarahloug27]

My dad died on Saturday morning. He had been in hospital for 17 days previous to that. He was completely healthy other than having a heart op 20 years ago. To cut a long story short, he had a bleed on the brain which caused a stroke. Then he had a blood infection. They still said he had a good chance to live. But then they said on the tuesday previous his kidneys were failing. On the wednesday they told us he was not responding well to any medication and they also found a bleed in his heart valve. They said they couldnt do anymore and if by miracle he was to pull through he would be severly brain damaged. They removed all meds and tubes and told us he had days maybe weeks to live. During this period i was devastated. On early Saturday morning they rung and said he had passed away. I was upset Saturday and sunday but also felt numb. Now i feel nothing. Emotionless. I loved my dad so much, so i don't understand why i feel this way. My mum crys daily which is understandable. But i cant cry now. Its like ive lost all my emotions. I think maybe i cant quite beileve it?? Although my last image of him was a peaceful one, i wonder if i should see him for once last time? I dont feel like im grieving. Im not happy but im not sad. Theres just nothing in me. So i think maybe if i saw him it might make me realise that this has actually happened.

Im wondering if anyone has visited the chapel of rest? What was your experience? Good or bad? And did anyone else feel no emotion after?... im scared one day soon it will hit me like a ton of bricks.

So very sorry for your loss. Do you think you may be in shock? In my experience losing a parent is so very profound that I think a certain amount of numbness can set in as self preservation. It’s such a personal choice as to whether or not to go to the chapel of rest. Take care. Hope you get some sleep tonight

Go to the chapel. My dad died a month ago and i went with close family. It was quite surreal but i'm glad i did it.
Ask yourself (as i did)- what will you regret most- going or not going?
I'm glad i went.

Go with your gut instinct. I chose not to see my Dad or Mum and I don’t regret it.

I too blocked all feelings out. I think it’s quite a natural thing to do as it’s so over whelming. It’s like our brain protects from being too overwhelmed. It starts to drip feed which makes everything sink in more.

I went - my dad died suddenly (he’d been under the weather with cold-type symptoms for a couple of weeks) - and he collapsed at home, and couldn’t be revived.

I didn’t get to say goodbye to him, so I felt I needed to see him in the chapel of rest. I’m glad I did - it gave me some closure - but it was a slightly surreal experience because he wasn’t wearing his glasses, which made him look not like himself.

Dh went in with me, and was there to support me, if I needed it - I think it helps if you can have someone with you who is there for you.

There's no right or wrong answer to whether you should go - it's entirely up to you, as Pannalash says.

My personal choice was not to see my father after death; I don't regret that choice.

Sorry for your loss.

Everyone copes with these things differently. I went to see my grandfather in the chapel of rest and I was devastated. To me he didn't look like my grandfather at all. I loved him so much and I'll always regret seeing him like that. On the other hand, my mother and grandmother went to see him and felt he looked perfect and it helped them enormously.

Sorry for your loss too. It sounds like right now you're in shock and that's completely understandable. Take care.

I saw my husband after his death and wasn't prepared as to how very different dead people look. They don't (to my mind) look "peaceful" or "asleep" - they look like an empty white shell. I chose not to see my wonderful parents because I wanted to remember them as they were. I have never regretted this decision and still picture them as I would wish. I didn't need to see them in order to process their lost. My thoughts are with you.

So sorry for your loss.

I've seen several family members after their deaths and I have to agree with a previous poster who said they looked like an empty shell.
I personally found that reassuring (if slightly jarring at first) because it helped me to see that they'd left their body and that what was left was simply a shell that we'd be burying/cremating.

I hope you come to a decision that works for you.

I'm so sorry.

If your last memory of your Dad was a peaceful one, maybe let a final visit go? Having said that, seeing both my parents in the Chapel of Rest really made me realise that their body was only a shell. DB didn't go, and was happy with his decision.

It's a very personal thing, I wanted my last memory of my grandmother to be the hug she gave before I went on holiday (we knew she had days perhaps weeks so I had an idea it would be the last time I saw her), but others find a visit to the chapel of rest comforting, that they are at peace. Don't go alone though, even if your companion stays in the waiting room.

I didn't go to see my dad but then again I was with him when he died so felt I'd said my goodbyes then.

People used to tell me if I saw him I'd never forget the way he looked and he wouldn't look like my dad. Well, he didn't look too great when he died and that hasn't stuck with me so don't believe what they say.

If I hadn't been with him, I think I maybe would have seen him later.

Sorry for your loss. I was numb too. You'll probably go through phases. I will never get over it though. It's been 6 years.

My advice would be to wait until he’s at a funeral home and has been ‘done up’ so to speak, dressed in his own clothes. A hospital will do what they can but it’s pretty basic. Undertakers are a bit different.

I’ve been a nurse for a long time and been around many people who have passed away but it’s different when is your loved one. I’ve been a couple of times to see family and personally it didn’t really help me. With one person, they looked so well presented it was easy to believe they hadn’t really gone. With another, they didn’t really look like them (she was all puffy due to being overloaded with fluids). It may help.

I wouldn’t worry about not crying, I agree with pp that you’re probably in shock and blocking it out. You’ll cry when you’re ready. Something will help you let those feelings out. It took my Mum several weeks after her Dad died to really let her feelings out. She was busy being strong for everyone else first.

I’m sorry for your loss, losing a parent is awful

You need to ask for help.

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you have plenty of support during this difficult time. Don't beat yourself up about how you feel or react right now. Everyone is different and grief is very personal. There is no right or wrong way to feel or deal with things. You might feel a whole range of emotions once the shock wears off including anger, sadness and denial. Please don't be afraid to seek professional help if you need it.

The chapel of rest is a personal choice. When my grandad passed away, I missed him going by 30 minutes. I had stayed at the hospice all night and only popped out to go into work and arrange cover as I knew I would be off for a few days (and I needed to get out for a little while). I was only gone 30 minutes and I felt utterly guilty. So, I decided to visit the chapel of rest. It was the worst decision I've made. The person they showed me looked nothing like my grandad (of course it was him) and it haunted me for a long time. I wish I could just remember him as he was.

That being said, as other PP have stated, some people find it comforting to say goodbye.

Whatever you decide, talk to your family and friends. Share happy memories and relive the good times.

I'll be thinking of you OP at this sad time.

Cataline To say that i agree with you in that during the service i was able to think of the "shell man" being in the coffin and not the human i had known well. Thank you for mentioning this - it may help the OP when the service is happening. We all need the utmost support at that harrowing time.

My dad died in an accident so we had to formally identify him in the hospital morgue. My brother chose not to see him again, but me and Mum saw him at the funeral home. I’m glad I did because the surroundings were nicer, but it also confirmed to me that it wasn’t really my dad as I knew him lying there, just his body.

If circumstances had been different and he’d died in hospital and we knew it was coming I’m not sure what choice I’d have made. I’m guessing you have a couple of days to make a decision? If so, take some time but try to remember he’s not likely to look as you remember him. I’m sorry for your loss x

My dad died in March and I still haven't cried, I am just not a person who cries with grief. I was 17 when my sister died, she was almost 3 I didn't cry then either. I think I just deal with grief in a different way to the majority, I have days now when it hits me that dad is gone but the tears don't come. I was with my dad when he died so I didn't feel the need to seen him in the chapel of rest (plus he didn't look like my dad any more as the cancer had not been kind to him) but I did visit my little sister and I am glad I did, she looked so peaceful. She had been really poorly in the 2 years leading up to her death and in the chapel of rest she looked so peaceful.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to whether or not you should see him, you have to do what your heart tells you is right for you. I am so sorry for your loss

I haven't cried that much either, Oddsocks - Mum died in May and there are odd things that set me off, but I can go days or weeks without feeling upset.

I think there's no right or wrong way to grieve - however you get through it is entirely up to you. But ask for help if you start to feel overwhelmed.

As for the chapel of rest, I did go to see mum, because I'd chosen an outfit for her, made up of clothes I thought she looked lovely in, plus a scarf I'd bought for her a few years previously. She didn't really look like mum, but I was glad I went. It was a very odd experience though. My dad came with me, but my brother didn't want to, and that's entirely his choice - everyone's different. We were all with mum when she passed.

I'm sorry for all of your losses.

I think the only important thing is to go if you want to. I went to visit my DH's body when he was in the chapel of rest, there was no question of me not going - I wanted to. I cried a lot but didn't shock me as much as I thought it would, and I'm so glad I went.

When my father died a few months ago, I had no desire to see him and feel/felt OK about that. We weren't close though.

my dad died a few weeks ago

I saw him immediately after he died (at night, in a hospice) and then again at the chapel of rest.

It was the right thing for me, but it's not right for everyone. I think mum might have been better if she'd not gone to the chapel of rest but it's too early to know really.

my feeling was that I wanted to see him one last time and looking a bit more normal, so to speak, in a suit etc etc.

it is quite a hard hitting experience. I can totally see why some people would choose not to.