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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Why do people stop asking 'How are you?' so quickly?

26 replies

CornishPastry · 15/11/2018 16:27

My dad died a few months back aged 93. I was lucky to have him so long but it didn't make it any easier. He was ill for around 3 years and then had a slow, lingering death over about a week.

My friends were kind for a short time, but now, barely 6 months on, everyone's forgotten. No one mentions it. My mum has been left a widow in her 90s and everyone asks me how SHE is, but no one asks me how I am!

I was the only DD and a bit of a 'daddy's girl.' In some ways I believe grief is a private thing but it'd be nice if now and again when people asked about my mum they also acknowledged I'd lost a dad.

OP posts:

sarahloug27 · 15/11/2018 23:29

Lost my dad on saturday. Still dont believe it. Everyone asks how mum is, which is completely understandable. But like you, i also think, what about me? I was his daughter. Its quite upsetting

echt · 16/11/2018 08:59

My DD gets asked how I am. I get asked how she is. I should use the past tense as no-one asks at all anymore. DH died nearly two and a half years ago, and I found the second year a hard slog.Still so vey painful.

I feel for you, Cornish.

MsSquiz · 16/11/2018 09:12

Sometimes people just don't know what to say.
Maybe they don't ask you how you are as they don't want to upset you?

My DM died last March and following her death, I didn't want people constantly asking me how I was - I would always reply "fine thanks, you?" It even became a running joke between DH and I.

MysticFlyTrap · 16/11/2018 09:32

My dad most recently and I feel the same way as you. My condolences it's horrible to lose your dad but people seem to not know what to say or after a few weeks think every thing is back to normal not in fact you are not, the coping gets easier but it will be a very long time until it feels better iyswim.

I think people generally mean well but it is hard. My dad was in his 50s and it was an unexpected death so some days I find it very difficult and question so many things I wish I had said to him or how I could have done things differently and like you it would be nice if friends could maybe ask how I am on occasion but then again I guess they wouldn't want the answer sometimes.

Very sorry for your loss op xxx

margaritasbythesea · 16/11/2018 09:37

I think people just don't know what it's like unless they have suffered a similar bereavement. It isn't really talked about and I don't think it's very obvious what it is going to be like.

I'm sorry you lost your Dad. It is awful.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/11/2018 09:41

I found this with a few people in a matter of weeks let alone months. The majority remained kind and thoughtful but for some,
"Time's a great healer" meant and helps bystanders forget.
Is it that people think by asking about how your mother's coping, they will somehow avoid 'setting you off' because it's supposedly one step removed?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/11/2018 09:43

Sorry sarahloug27 this is all new and raw to you.

explodingkitten · 16/11/2018 09:55

I was in my twenties when my mum died and it would have driven me bonkers if people would have kept asking how I was doing with those sorrow filled eyes and understanding kind smile. I needed to go on during the day, even if I did cry every night. So I wouldn't keep asking either, no. Maybe there are more people like me?

JULESFH · 16/11/2018 13:09

It depends who it is really. Even if people ask me how I am I tend to reply with a very general comment.

I agree that unless people have been through it they don't get it and they don't know what to say.

Unfortunately life does go on for everyone else which is in a way how it should be. We feel it intensely because we are living it each day.

I find myself gravitating a little more towards those who have had losses, not for communal grief sessions, but because they get it.

I hope you are ok Op, it's a tough time which brings out so many emotions and feelings (both related and unrelated) that you never would have imagined xx

itsnowthewaitinggame · 16/11/2018 13:40

When I was first bereaved I absolutely hated people asking how I was. My son had died suddenly and I used want to scream 'How do you fucking think I am?' My DM understood this and would ring every morning and evening to ask what sort of a day or night I'd had. That would allow me to either say very little or sob uncontrollably if I needed to. I felt more in control that way. I haven't lost a parent yet but will do in the next few years. This post has helped me to understand that it's all the people left behind that grieve

RantyRantRantRant · 16/11/2018 14:39

Everyone is different, I didn't want people asking me how I was when Dad died. In the early days and weeks that would have reduced me to tears and later I would just have said an awkward "fine thanks" when I wasn't but had no intention of telling them that. I don't remember anyone actually asking me how I was but they did ask DH how I was doing.

I also wouldn't ask someone further down the line in case they had been doing ok managing their grief and my asking brought it to the surface.

If I wasn't doing good and needed someone to know that, I would bring it up in conversation with them.

anniehm · 16/11/2018 14:48

Whilst I understand the gap his death has left in your life, remember that it's not at the forefront of other people's minds, loosing an elderly parent isn't out of the norm. It's not that people don't care, it's just it's not personal for them. Far harder for the spouse hence people's concern for your mum.

minmooch · 17/11/2018 09:29

I would think that at 93 your Dad had a wonderfully long life. It doesn't mean you don't miss him but we all have to go at some stage so therefore his death was at the natural circle of life.

What I'm trying g to say is that has he died young or in tragic circumstances then people might be more worried about you. For him to die at the end of a fabulously long life I expect people think you may have accepted his death a little. Not saying that you are not grieving nor missing him but it is the natural order of things and we have to live with death alongside our daily lives.

whatisforteamum · 17/11/2018 14:35

My Df.was.76 so to all the young people I work with he was old.No one.really asked how I was.and all the attention was.quite rightly on dm who lost her husband of 54 years.
Sorry for you los s OP.He was still a bit part of your life.
My DR died a.dreadful death by cancer which bit by bit destroyed him.Sometimes I feel I just had to get on with it while inside.my heart was.breaking.

1234hello · 17/11/2018 20:07

This is the sad truth of many bereavements, it is rubbish and I feel for you as it is obviously upsetting for you. However, you say yourself you were lucky to have had him in your life that long. You’re also luckier than many if this is your first major bereavement.

mollyblack · 17/11/2018 20:24

Sorry for your loss ans everyone elses on the thread.

I guess its nor the asking how you are but the little acknowledgements.

My mum died 15 years ago- the hardest things for me have been havinf my chidren without a mother around myself.

Some of my friends make occasional comments about my mum which is nice. What makes me really sad is seeing others with their mums and kids and complaining about how annoying their mum is!

Hotpinkangel19 · 17/11/2018 20:58

Both my parents died last summer. I was pregnant with my daughter. No one asks anymore. It's like it's all fine now

TwitterQueen1 · 17/11/2018 22:30

Sorry for your loss OP but I do think you need to reframe your way of dealing with this. His death is not awful or terrible. He was 93 - that's a great age, and yes, you were very lucky to have him around for so long. It's sad but hardly unexpected at that age that he was ill for a few years and a "slow, lingering death over about a week" is not a slow lingering death at all - months in hospital suffering from debilitating cancer is.

Can you try to think about him positively? Celebrate his life? Think about all the things he did and saw and enjoyed? Be glad you had his company for so long? Of course you miss him but tbh, I wouldn't ask after someone after 6 months either. If you brought him up in conversation I might say something like "I expect you miss him" or "How is your mother coping?" but that's it. You have a lot to be thankful for and grief is part of life. My condolences

Grace212 · 17/11/2018 22:41

My dad died nearly three weeks ago and I'm already tired of being asked. I bumped into a friend today, unexpectedly, and before she even opened her mouth I said "can we not talk about it, what have you been up to?" I wonder if that's got something to do with it.

Also, asking how's your mum etc might seem an easier question to ask

I'm meeting a friend tomorrow and I am really hoping to avoid the whole subject frankly.

bourbonbiccy · 17/11/2018 23:25

I feel for everyone on here. I lost my mum in March just gone.

I don't know if people feel awkward and don't want to bring it up, so it's not the only thing they talk about to us, or they don't want to upset us, it's such a delicate/fragile matter it's just hard/awkward for people
I am still devastated and to everyone outside I'm "so strong" , " doing so well" " don't know how you carry on so bravely" behind closed doors I still cry every night, every morning then I put my polka face on for the day and get by, because I have to, I have a baby that needs his mummy to play with him, laugh with him and he makes that easy as he's amazing ....which makes it so much harder as that then makes me cry that his nana would have bloody loved it with her 1st grandchild

A friend said to me ( she also has lost her mum) once the funeral is over, people stop calling. I said oohh no, not my family we are really close and they will look out for me ,for my mum if nothing else But guess what...she was right
I feel the same, It was only march and it's like everyone is now just going on as if nothing has happened or they say you have got over it well.... No I have to live with it, I have not got over it nor will I ever I dont think .( sorry a bit of a personal rant their sorry)

I honestly just think people don't know what to say, and to be honest I found people started asking but not really wanting to know, they just wanted to ask ( to be nice ) but really, just wanted me to say I'm ok, they didn't really want me to say I was falling apart.

OP I really do feel for you and hope that your days might start to just get that little bit easier as time goes on. But in the short term I think life just sucks and another day is a victory x

I am still devastated and to everyone outside I'm "so strong" , " doing so well" " don't know how you carry on so bravely" behind closed doors I still cry every night, every morning then I put my polka face on for the day and get by, because I have to, I have a baby that needs his mummy to play with him, laugh with him and he makes that easy as he's amazing ....which makes it so much harder as that then makes me cry that his nana would have bloody loved it with her 1st grandchild

Seth · 17/11/2018 23:38

I lost my Dad when I was in my twenties and found that yes, support was certainly there in the 2 months afterwards but it all but dried up after that. I think the more you seem ok, the more people are happy to assume you are on the mend and heading back to normality.

A close friend lost her husband quite suddenly about 6 weeks ago and I am trying to Make sure I don't follow that pattern. I don't think it had to be as obvious as 'how are you?' every day or week.. I think more important and less pitying is just suggesting doing things that they might like to distract them or to break old patterns.. whilst making it clear that they are v welcome to say no.

Seth · 17/11/2018 23:40

... just including them and going some way to try and fill the hole that has been left. Sometimes you might end up talking about the person the have lost and the effect of that and sometimes not. I think it's the being there big with no agenda or expectation thAt helps( hopefully)

Bluewidow · 21/11/2018 00:31

I can’t stand this question being asked ,it actually gives me the rage. What the fuck do people expect me to say? There is no answer to it when a work colleague, or an aquaitence asks for example. If I say I’m ok as I’m not likely to say how I really am it sounds so flippant. Yes I’m ok, my husband died and my kids have no dad but I’m ok.

Rant over, people won’t ask you because they don’t know how to handle death. They don’t want to upset you. It’s quite often the people who you think could cope with situations like this just don’t have a clue. I’m literally ignored on the school run, not that I want them to ask me if I’m ok anyway.

LadyDizzy · 21/11/2018 18:18

I was a bit taken aback that when I went back to work a week after Dad died that almost nobody (2 exceptions) acknowledged anything had happened.

Just a simple 'sorry to hear about your Dad' would have been fine.

But I suppose people don't know what to say if they have not gone through it themselves.

echt · 22/11/2018 06:48

I've posted this before, but a colleague stopped me in the car park, about 4-5 months after DH's death:

Colleague (head tilt) How are you?
Me: (start tearing up because someone has asked me) Not good at all.
Colleague: I know what you mean. I have so many reports to write.
Me:

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