I just don’t believe it

[NoOffence]

Hi,
My Mum died of pancreatic cancer exactly a month ago.
It was 2 1/2 months from diagnosis till she died.
She was 64.
I spent a lot of time with her whilst she was ill, we planned the funeral, sorted the will, emptied the cupboards.
A month on, I just don’t believe it’s real. I don’t think I’m completely in denial as I’ve sorted all her clothes & jewellery for my Dad, discussed the will, been through the funeral & supported my kids.
But in my heart of hearts, I just can’t get my head around that she’s gone.
We used to spend months not seeing each other as she was always travelling & I’ve had to keep life going as normal to earn money & look after my kids so it just doesn’t feel real.
Can anyone relate?

I can relate, although I have been very fortunate not to have suffered such a devastating loss as you have.

Over time it sinks in, though I still think of things I want to tell this or that person and then I remember... and it’s so hard to get your head around.

for you.

Well its only a month which is no time at all and within that time you will have been busy sorting all the stuff that needs sorting. Your grief probably hasn't really started yet, so its not at all unusual. My husbands been gone 5 months and yesterday i made him a cuppa.

Yes my dad died in January and I feel exactly the same. I still can't take it in at all

My dad passed away 3 weeks ago, a week after his terminal cancer diagnosis. He was 62. So similar situation and i can relate to it not feeling real at all. I keep thinking this nightmare is going to be over soon and i will see him again. Doesnt feel real that i never will. We will get there OP i think it will just take a while. X

Thanks for the messages, I thought because my Mum & I talked a lot & sorted out a lot before she went that I had already come to terms with it, but turns out I really haven’t.

Yes! Lost my younger brother at the end of the summer. Less than a month from diagnosis to him going.

I can't believe that I'll never see him again. Just how can that be? How is that even bearable?

I'm slowly returning to work. Everyone life is carrying on as normal. Mine has stopped. Every day is another to be endured while I'm waiting to die.

I need this not to be the end. Life without him is unfathomable.

So sorry for your loss

I lost both my son and my mum to cancer. My son nearly 5 years ago, my mum nearly 4. I still don't believe it. I often get in the car after work and think ooh I'll give mum a quick call as that was our usual time to speak. I look out for my son when I see the kids get off the school bus as I drive past, even though he would have left school by now.

You will still be in shock. And will be for a long time. I think it's our body's way of being numb to the reality until we are strong enough to start feeling it.

I'm sorry for your loss xx go gently on yourself.

So sorry for all of us on here who are enduring the pain of bereavement . Hugs to all x

I feel exactly the same. My mum died just over a year ago of pancreatic cancer, five months after diagnosis. She was in her 60s and it was a huge shock. I cared for her through her illness and stayed with her until the end. We talked through the funeral and everything she wanted. It she doesn't feel real. I have dreams about her all the time and when I wake up I forget she has died for a few minutes. I feel like I haven't processed it at all. I have had bereavement counselling but it didn't really help. Everyone else seems to have moved on but I feel stuck. Sorry for everyone's losses x

Yes. My DM was killed suddenly in a car accident last year, she was 69. No time to prepare or say goodbye, just gone. My DF died years ago so aged 44 I had no parents, had to wind up her estate and sell the longstanding family home. I still sometimes can't believe all this has really happened.

Me too. My parents have suddenly gone and although I’ve done all the practical stuff, I still can’t believe it. My family home is empty and sold but I can imagine if I went there right now Mum and Dad would still be there. It’s unbearable.

My mum died suddenly at 69. She had been caring for my then four year old daughter the day before as she often di when I worked. in the early months I had dreams that she was still alive and I'd wake up and really thought it had never happened. We also lost my mil after a very short illness ( about a week )and my fil had a heart attack in the supermarket. With mil and fil we didn't see them very often and it's so easy to think they are still living miles away. It does get easier over time, although worse in some ways as the realisation sinks in that this is forever and your life will never be the same again. So sorry this has happened.

Babyroobs can I ask did the dreams stop? I am struggling so much with sleep as I cannot bear to keep having the dreams, I really don't know what to do.

Yes they did stop, I only had them in the early days maybe three or four times. maybe speak to your GP if you are struggling , they may be able to give you something just short term to help you relax and sleep. Grief is exhausting .

I dream of my mum but somehow in my dream it’s a pleasure to meet and see her.

At the moment your mind is not used to this idea that the person you live has gone, allow yourself at night to tell yourself they have gone but you can dream about happy times

Huge hugs. This was me 6 years ago when my mum passed away from brain cancer 5 months after initial symptoms. She was 67. I didn't cry at the funeral. I didn't even feel upset to be honest I was so numb. I'd say it didn't properly hit me until about 6 months later, when I then split up from my husband and basically went off the rails as my way of coping. I'm so sorry for your loss

Thanks for all the replies. I have struggled so much to process it, I have had sleeping tablets on and off since the died and when I take them I don't dream but I know I have to come off them permanently. I am just not coping but I don't know how to express it.

I’m so sorry for your loss. This is completely normal. My mum died 3.5 years ago at 61. I felt no emotions for a good month or two, good or bad, but it was around 6 months later it really hit me. It’s harder around birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day. I got pregnant six months after she died and it kills me that she never knew I was pregnant or met her grandchildren as she would have loved them so much. Even now my cruel brain visualises her ringing my doorbell and coming in and playing with the twins. Breaks my heart just to think about it. I miss her all the time. It will hit you, but it takes time. I was there when she died, I sat with her for a long time but I didn’t believe it.