What can I do?

[fortyfourfeasts]

We lost our wonderful nephew just over a month ago. He was 17 and it was very sudden. DS, DH and I are just about coping, but dip in and out of this painful grief. But what breaks my heart even more is how my DSIL is feeling. And her DH and DD. I don't know what to do. We live a couple of hours away so feel helpless. We have seen them, or rung them about once a week and text regularly, but never know what to do, or say. We were never all that close, and had our moments, as all families do so I'm finding that difficult too. I know that nothing can 'make it better', or take away how they are feeling, but is there anything I can do? How do we help get them from one day to the next? DH's mum last night mentioned Christmas, how do we help get us all through it?

What a sad situation, sorry for your loss.

I honestly don’t know what to suggest really, other than have you asked them what you could do? Maybe giving them some options : get some food delivered for them (some companies deliver home cooked meals).

Maybe a handwritten card might be appreciated, perhaps with a voucher for a coffee somewhere??

If you google there might be other suggestions.

How sad for all concerned

Message regularly with no expectation of a response.

Send an appropriate Christmas card and acknowledge him by name on it.

Remember his birthday and anniversary every single year - this one is very important, most people forget after the first year.

Maybe you could get a nice notebook and write down some funny/sweet memories of him and give it to them when you think it will be appropriate.

Simply don't forget him, acknowledge him and use his name, don't get awkward when they mention him, he is still their son.

From someone who has sadly been there the hardest thing was other people getting uncomfortable when my darling son was mentioned and me feeling ashamed about having brought his name up.

I'm so sorry for your family's loss

I'm so very sorry for your families loss,it breaks my heart hearing of another life gone way too soon
My only advice at the moment is to be there,not just now,the funeral or at Christmas ,Birthdays & the anniversary but during other times when others may not think to be.
My daughter died last September ,it was unexpected & Sudden also .
We had support in the beginning, but after the funeral & time goes on people forget or don't know what to say so they tend to avoid you .

Looking back,When it first happened ,I didn't expect anyone to do anything or know what to say but I appreciated that people brought food for my son & helped with him as I was in such shock ,even having someone just sitting & making a cup of tea or something stronger but not expecting anything helped.

Also ,it may seem like a strange thing to say but please don't judge them as they grieve
During my experience I've been made to feel awful /guilty at times that I'm not "getting better yet" or doing whatever it is that the person "thinks" I should do ,
Grief is a very personal thing,especially for bereaved parents,losing a child is a grief like no other ,it will never ease ,if you have too you just learn to live with the pain .

Sorry for your loss fortyfourfeasts
I lost my dd, 3years ago. All you can do is be there for your Sil. Keep in contact although she might not always reply.
The first Christmas was just awful we didn't celebrate or have any decoration up. I was glad when it was all over. I would let her make any decisions about Christmas and go with what she wants.
No parent should have to bury their child it's heartbreaking for all involved.

Oh thank you all for your lovely replies and I'm so sorry for the losses you have suffered. I just can't begin to comprehend how dsil and her family are feeling.

You have given me some brilliant advice, and especially about acknowledging our gorgeous nephew. I hate talking about him in the past tense and if I'm honest I have no idea how to talk about him. I want to, but it just seems too soon to say things like "oh do you remember the time when...". I think we just have to take their lead.
I'm going to get some photos printed of him, as we only have one or two dotted about, so I'd like something a bit more,.. significant?

Could I ask, when you say anniversary, do you mean of the day we lost him? Thank you again. It's just awful isn't it?

forty yes that's what I mean when I say anniversary.

Also, not that I am suggesting you would do this at all, but I know myself, and a lot of bereaved parents I know, seem to end up comforting others.

There is a circle of grief and you should seek support from those outside where you are in it.

I found myself comforting people in the early days when I should have been the one being supported. It's an easy trap to fall into so do be aware, and also be aware of others doing it to them as much as you can.

The main thing is that you care, and you want to do the right thing in an endless situation where there is no right thing to do, whatever you do and however you handle this, that will shine through.

Thank you, that's really important- I've not thought about what we're going through as a family in terms of a circle of grief. Given the advice I've had from you lovely people, I think I need to try and talk to the rest of our little family group about supporting dsil and her family. Thank you again.

If you're on Twitter, look up Niamh Fitzpatrick Psychologist ..... she talks very eloquently about the death of her sister, about grief from a personal and professional perspective.

Something she mentioned recently was about thanking her friends for being there, whilst she wasn't "there" .... checked out almost from friendships as the grief & supporting family took priority.

Otherwise, phone, visit, message, be there with no expectation of anything in return. Christmas is likely not to be a priority for them ...., if feasible, offer to host where they can come if they want, stay 5 mins, stay all day or not at all.

Talk about him .... it is tough, because you catch yourself talking about an event or activity that you know he'd have liked or taken part in and there's that moment where you have to acknowledge he's not there to enjoy it.

Sadly there's no rule book or logic for times like this ....