Hi Op,
We lost my Dad in July. I’m so sorry for your loss of your Mom.💐
How I got through the funeral/what I wish I’d done differently.
We had a family only service at the crematorium followed by a service of thanksgiving for Dad’s life at our church, and then afternoon tea at home for anyone who wanted to come.
Enlist your husband and a good friend or two who will be able to support you through this? Get them on board. Get Dh to answer the phone and say you’re in the bath or taking a nap. Let him have your back. This will buy you some time if nothing else and you may get away with a text back. They can also keep you supplied with tissues, head off unwanted approaches from family or others at the funeral.You are firstly responsible to yourself and for your own well being and the situation you present above is going to half kill you, sweetheart.I’d suggest just being kind to your siblings but focus on yourself and your Dad. Any other family or others who will be draining on you, get someone to head them off, if at all possible. My cousin did this very successfully for me with a well meaning but irritating neighbour.
Do not concern yourself with how people expect you to act. You can cry or not as you wish. Act how you feel to get yourself through it for your own benefit.
At the crematorium, there was a short wait to go in, and Dad’s coffin had arrived. It seemed interminably long, I just wanted to be able to go in and start the service. Our minister was there though and and was very supportive and that helped. The undertakers were fantastic too.
Afterwards, our own car to take us to the church would have helped, to have a cry in, or a few minutes peace. Instead we were packed into funeral cars with other family. I would have taken also a bottle of water and some mints as well as tissues.
We had the funeral tea at home and that helped, I has so much to do with serving and washing up that I didn’t have to talk to anyone. I know people meant well but I just wanted to hide, and busying myself was an excellent way to do so. My cousin and best friend, cut scones, sandwiches, made tea and coffee. My partner handed round and collected cups. I loved my family being there but I wasn’t up to talking, and I couldn’t wait for neighbours and everyone to go home.
We took Mum out to eat that evening to a very quiet pub, no cooking and had a kind of debrief of the day. That was good.
It would have helped to have something definite to do the next day, I was stuck in on my own doing a huge tidy up and had nowhere I could bolt to. A working party in the morning and something definite to do in the afternoon would have helped.
Afterwards, re return to normality, it is difficult, especially going back to work. I was lucky enough to take a month off in total, and I was fine the first day back. The second day I went in and couldn’t stop crying so had to go home. It got better after that work wise as I started to get interested in work again so a welcome distraction.
I had a breakdown a month later brought on by trying to assume too great a mental load on Mums behalf and also doing too many tasks at the family home. Mum is lovely and had not wanted me to wear myself out, but the pressure of living at a distance contributed. Also more people came to stay and preparing for them was the last straw. I had to take some time off work but I’m ok now. It will take a long time, grief is a rollercoaster. People seem to expect you to get back to normal very quickly, they just don’t understand. I think you have to go through it to understand.
Sorry for the long post. Bottom line Op, look after yourself first, especially mentally. You cannot assume that burden of care for three other people, not to mention other family who should be supporting you, not the other way around. Look after yourself.💐