I feel it's unreasonable to grieve now. Can anyone relate to grief kicking in much later?

[Iwantplaits]

It's been over 2 years since my dad died. And I cannot stop thinking about him. In the last week my dreams are full of him. Some of them he is not happy with me and these stay in my mind all day. I feel unsettled, tearful and just missing him so much.

I feel silly telling anyone in real life as so much has happened in the last years. But I just want to sob and shout that I miss my dad.

When he was dying I went back to my family home and cared for him for a fortnight. I sat with him the night he died and it was oddly a special time.

It was so busy after I wonder if it's delayed grief or even if that is thing?

There is no " normal" when it comes to grief. I'm like you - my Dad has been gone for 18 years but I miss him more now than I did then. I can fully understand how you feel. Take care of yourself , sending a hand hold.

Thanks Birdie. It's sadly comforting to know I am not alone. Squeezing your hand and sending you a hug. 18 years is a long time to miss your dad xxxx

I also lost my dad many years ago. I was a teenager so as I’ve got older I’ve grieved in different ways. Don’t feel bad about feeling low now. After the initial feelings die down a bit grief pops up and smacks you in the face from time to time. Be kind to yourself.

In some ways the grief a couple of years on in much more painful. Many people expect you to have 'got over' it. I also think the numbness of death has left you and what you have now is actual the missing your Dad. All I can advise is to feel what you feel when you feel it. To try to fight overwhelming emotions is just too exhausting, feel the pain and the missing and slowly that feeling will pass. I wish you strength

OP, perfectly normal. I often have periods where I think of my grandfather, to whom I was particularly close. I’ll cry and miss him, I will be enjoying something and know how he would too. He’s been gone since 1985.

The severe hurt lessens over time but you’ll never forget, never stop missing him, you will cry from time to time. and that’s ok.

Your brain protects you at the time by making your emotions numb. It allows you to get in and function for a while, but eventually those emotions have to be felt, usually when things have started to stabilise. Suddenly grief can hit out of nowhere.

It’s totally normal and to be expected. It’s part of the healing process. I’d really recommend getting some grief counselling. If your the kind of person who doesn’t want to ‘burden’ their friends it can be really hard to open up. I remember thinking it was weird to pay money so I could cry in front of someone, but it really helped to cry and talk things through with someone not connected with me. I also used to drive my car out into the countryside and scream where no one could hear me.

I used to say to myself that “the only way out, is through”. You can put it off for a time, but eventually you have to woman up and feel everything. Grief can be ugly and raw and you find yourself saying and thinking some horrible things, but there’s no shortcut to going through it, other than facing it. Then eventually, day by day, it gets a little better.

Good luck OP, I hope you can find someone to hold you hand through it.
Hugs xxx

My father died 14 years ago.

Just last week I had an episode about it and couldn't stop crying for days.

There is no time limit on grief.

Same here.A year on from.Dad dying I feel exhausted and drained.I felt okish at the time as he was very ill and wanted to die in the x end..Now I miss him and I'm sure Mum feels worse too.I didn't have time to grieve as mum needed support and no one asked me how I was really.Take it easy OP x

Something I read a few weeks ago resonated with me; it was something about grief being like glitter; you think you’ve dealt with it, and cleared it all up, but there’s always a bit left somewhere.

Be kind to yourself OP💐

Thank you all for sharing. Makes me less of a numpty and helps to know it is fine to feel like this. Sending you all virtual hugs.
@Letshopeitsallok - That struck a big chord with me. Ta.

First of all, let me begin by saying I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I am thinking about you. Grief is a horrific, strange emotion, it's unpredictable, it's scary, and it's just-grief. I think it has kicked in for you later on perhaps due to the overwhelming event of it all. Your emotions have been numb and on hold for quite some time,and you have just focused upon them.

Yes, 100% found the second year harder than the first. The first year, people are swirling around you with help and ensuring you are OK. There also a lot of firsts... First birthday... First Christmas etc. I think I prepared myself and didn't feel very much. The 2nd year I didn't psych myself up and those occasions hit harder. I couldn't go to her grave as it hurt so much, if I went to her bedroom and saw her things it ripped the heart out of me. Silly things like seeing washing powder she used or her favourite biscuit were the worst. I guess we will always be grieving we just cope with grief and muddle on with our lives instead.
Until you lose a parent no one knows the heartache you go through, no matter what age they were or you are. Hope those tears dry soon x

My Dad died two years ago. I am a pretty stoic person but found myself in tears tonight cooking dinner because I would never be able to cook for him again. Grief is odd.

Yep, my DB didn't grieve when our mum died, too busy doing a levels and helping my dad.

but then he found he was sort of grief constipated, and it's taken 20 years to start grieving properly.

My DF died years ago aged 54 and my DM was killed suddenly in a car accident two years ago aged 69- no time to say goodbye. I think of them all the time but rarely cry anymore. I'm afraid if I started I wouldn't stop. I horribly feel so resentful that PIL in their late 70's keep on going and get to see and do all the things with my DC that my parents should have done. Then I feel bad. Grief is strange.

Was very close to my mum and I really don't think I grieved at all after she died.
She suffered/was tormented for a good 7 years as a result of dementia and was in care for 5 of those years.
Had some horrendous years prior to her death due to the changes in her personality and having to see her so distressed and broken, so in many ways her death was a relief.
Threw myself back into work and in the years that followed I often thought that I must have a rather heartless inner core because it really didn't seem so bad that she was gone.
Many years on and for whatever reason something clicked and I began to get these really overwhelming feelings of loss and sadness.
Started around the ten year mark and lasted a good six months.
Think it was the subconscious part of my brain taking over and deciding that at the time of her death, indulging in all out grief was not beneficial so it filed it away to present to me at a later date.
Ten years does seem a bit excessive tho.
Had me scratching my head for a while tbh.

I also found my mother's final hours strangely special. It all seemed quietly glorious, even tho she did go through the typical motions of someone slowly dying as a result of food and liquids withdrawal.
I even remember a member of my family snapping at me in the moments after she passed because I said 'that was nice'
A rather strange thing to say, I admit but I had built up some horrendous images of how her final hours may play out and to my relief, she didn't seem to suffer too much.
I'd be surprised if these feelings are not quite common tbh.
I definitely couldn't have been any more dedicated to my mothers welfare either and dragged myself out every other night to visit her while she was in care, so it wasn't because I was ever distant or emotionally disconnected.