Am I grieving at all?

[BluebellsareBlue]

I'm sorry if this question has been asked before, and I know everyone is different.

Recently I've been wondering if I am a narcissist, I'll try to explain.

I am a 43 year old only child, I lost my mum to cancer in May 2017. My relationship with my mum all through my life can only be described as perfect, oh we had ups and downs and silly fall outs, not very often, but I was much more lucky than some in that I know we truly adored each other and with out this relationship the horrible things that happened in life, well we wouldn't have gotten over them.

After diagnosis in 2015 I would cry a fair bit, but kept in mind not to do my grieving then, we became even closer if that's possible and I left work to care for mum, when she needed me, and towards the end I stayed with her and dad (I have family of my own) and went home at the weekends. When she was in the respite home and we realised/were told it was days left. I did not leave her side and I took her home like she wanted and only left her to go to the loo.

When she died my dad and son (13 then) did not cope and I had to organise every single thing with no help at all, but this was fine and they way I think she would've wanted it. I wrote some words and spoke them at the funeral, and then I had problems with my dad and the fact that mum hadn't left him things that he thought she should have, ie everything - a little indication perhaps into the horrible things that happened in life that we got through and mum and daughter.

Since then I have barely cried, every time she comes into my head I push her right out and I feel like I must be a disgusting narcissist for not caring that she is dead, I have had the odd little cry but I remember two days before she died leaving the bedroom and having the most overwhelming feeling of sorrow, I can't even put it into words how bad it was and I said to dad that I wasn't going to cope and he said of course that I had to.

I put her out my mind, it's honestly like she has never existed and if I do have a cry (like now) I'm feeling sorry for me!! Not because my mum has died.
I'm disgusted with myself, did she mean nothing to me? I can't remember how it felt to love her and I really feel something is wrong with me.

I'm so sorry this is long and rambling but I've been wanting to post for so long but scared to know that I'm probably a narcissist thinking only of how I have been affected

Please don't get me wrong, that overwhelming sorry I felt that day before she died, I never ever ever want to feel that again. It was like I couldn't breathe eight he pain of losing her.

I've asked mnhq to delete this post. Sorry if I've offended anyone.

I think you are probably suppressing the grief you feel in order to keep going. I'm sure you aren't heartless or a narcissist just have some strong skills in burying feelings that are hard to handle.
I don't know what to suggest but it's ok to let go or keep holding it together, you know how much you loved your mum.

No need to delete. You had a lovely, healthy relationship with your mum, no unfinished business or unspoken resentments. You had time to prepare for her death (not that anyone does, but it wasn't a shock when it came) and cared for her during her final days so you have no residual guilt. You are grieving in your own way, and that is absolutely fine.

If it's any consolation I was fairly similar when my mum passed away: I do have my moments and I miss her hugely, but we're a get-on-with-it family and that's how we do it.

Thank you so much for replying. I hate myself enough as it is and thought I might be right in my thinking.

I'm a retired police officer, I've dealt with some awful awful things including being a detective in child abuse for 8 years. I am really skilled at closing the doors in my mind to stop any feeling, I would t have been able to do my job if I didn't. Maybe I'm just doing the same with my mum, but I hate myself for not "feeling".

The mind goes numb when someone close dies. Its probably self protection, nature's way of keeping us safe, and nothing to feel guilty about. It happens to us all.

Op the fact that you have said repeatedly that you hate yourself is of concern. You sound depressed and traumatised. Was your dad abusive? Is that what you're alluding to when you say his behaviour was 'a little indication'? Would you consider speaking to someone (maybe a bereavement counsellor) about how you feel? You sound like you're being very very hard on yourself and processing not only the loss of your mother, which is hard in itself, but other painful issues as well.

When you suffer a really big loss like that of a parent it can take ages for it to get going properly because the experience can be too intense to engage with fully and you may very well be closing the door in your mind to avoid it. There is no wrong way to grieve, but you will benefit from learning to treat yourself with patience and kindness.

Thank you all very much. I don't think I'm depressed, I'm just angry with myself because I can't remember how I loved her and because I don't "feel", I'm questioning if I really actually did. It's all a bit of a mess really.
@amandadecabernet my relationship with dad is ok just now but has been very difficult in the past with the things he did, some DV with mum but not in the last ten years id say. I think this has come to a bit of a head as after mum died he was really quite awful to me in some of the things he said, like I wasn't his child and even though mum had left me her car (he was angry I was left her business and effectively the house due to a life rent for him) he took the keys from me in a fit of rage as I wasn't going to the house every day to see him (he's fit and well and works aged 69) and as I'd just jumped in the car with no phone or bag or coat I had to walk three miles in the pouring rain in December, but we are better now and I have put some things in place (like a actually got a job - I'm retired with a pension- so I had an excuse not to go there every day to the detriment of my DS and DP and the house was all on top of me and I was getting very down).
I'm rambling again sorry, all of a sudden I have so much to say when this past 18 months I've not been able to talk if you know what I mean.

Anyway dad and I were in the car and he was taking about how guilty he feels about life with mum and I can't cry as I'm driving, but I want to, so I tell him it's ok and I (lie) agree with his version of events because I know he's upset, then when we stop he can see I'm crying and he said "how do you think I feel, you always end up making it about you!". And I have panicked and thought am I actually this person? Am I a narcissist and revelling in my mums passing. So today, after a horrible day I got into bed after work at three and I started to cry and needed to post I think.

That is an awful lot to take on all at once after a big loss. I know in the wake of a trauma people can say terrible things to each other but this doesn't sound like something that started after your mum died, it sounds like a complex and unhealthy family dynamic. It will affect how you grieve. You need to be able to talk, and the person you talk to needs to be someone who who can offer you time and compassion, not someone who will make you feel worse.

Thank you @amandadecabernet I think I may need to talk to someone. Even though there is nothing I can put my finger on that happened today, I think I may have just realised that I'm just not right just now. Thank you for taking the time to talk with me, all of you kind people.

You sound like a loving daughter. How many children get to give what you gave to your mum at the end of your life. You sound hard on yourself and self critical-I feel I will fall to pieces when either of my parents die and I don't feel proud of that- more like I am a big baby who has not accepted this happens so I do it the other way.
You had a great relationship with your mum. You are now living your life without the pain of tears and grief, because of that healthy relationship.I see family members with similar relationships grieved in this way.

Your post does not say narcissist to me.
Suppression of feelings is common in grief, I believe. Be kind to yourself. Sounds to me like your mum and you were lucky to have each other.



I was in a very similar position to you, 30 year old only child who lost my mum to cancer in March 2017. I had to deal with everything myself (along with my DH) and I was very matter of a fact about the whole thing.
I then had to continue planning our wedding that was arranged for July 2017.

I just kept myself constantly busy so I didn't have time to think - I planned something for almost everyday in December on the run up to Christmas and almost burned myself out.

I was sick of hearing how sad everyone else was. I didn't care. She was my mum, not theirs. And if I could carry on without sitting crying about it, so should everyone else!

In January, I started weekly therapy sessions which have really helped me this past year. I didn't want to talk to friends or DH about feeling sad because I didn't want to worry them.

I know therapy isn't for everyone, but it has definitely been a turning point for me. I can talk about anything - both happy and sad things, it's a safe place to get it all out and go through the grief process when you're ready

Its not that you dont care its that you need to cope so you have suppressed those feelings down because that is easier for you

you need counselling I think

Thank you kind people, I think I do need some counselling but part of my brain says it's safer to stay like this x

My dad died when I was 23 after and illness lasting 4 years. I absolutely worshipped him and cried constantly while he was ill. My children were 2 and 6 months when he died, My mother, who I feared was awful to me. I never cried when he died. I kept telling myself that it would make him unhappy to see me cry, I went through the next years pushing him out of my mind. I was busy with the children, DH worked away a lot and my Mother was totally draining.

I think that deep down what had happened (to me and to you) iwas too overwhelmingly . If I gave n to tears I might never be able to function. I don’t know how to help you. Only to,say that you are not a Narcissist. We each with grief in our own way and there is no right or wrong way.

My DiL has just lost her dad in very similar circumstances. Her mum complained to me that she was very hard. I see her trying to keep her job together, while looking after to pre-schoolers and helping her grieving mum. I think that she is barely holder no together and not hard at all.

I was a bit like this when my dd died.
I was 7mths pregnant with dd2 at the time. I was completely numb all I wanted to do was stay in bed with the duvet over my head

It wasn't until dd2 was 6wks that I lost the plot.
Bereavement counselling helped me although at first i found it very hard and upsetting, it did help.
Sorry for your loss

It’s perfectly normal to suppress feelings to cope or to not want to have to think about things at the moment.

My situation is a bit different but shows how contrasting feelings can be

My dad died in March. I am still grieving for him - I have never felt such sadness or loss and it comes and goes constantly. Some days I think it’s getting better then I’m right back to the start again. He was the perfect dad and I grew up with him only from the age of 13.

Then my mum died in July. We didn’t have a great relationship for lots of reasons But she was still my mum. I went to see her 2 days before she died. I knew I’d never see her again but didn’t cry as I left the hospital. I didn’t cry at the funeral and haven’t cried since. I feel like I don’t feel anything and it’s strange. I don’t know whether I’m just emotionally drained after losing my dad, whether I’m suppressing my feelings or whether I jus let don’t have any. I don’t overthink it - I just acknowledge I don’t feel anything at the moment and wait to see if that will change. It’s very weird really.

I’ve had several major traumas in the past few years, and like you work in a job which involves difficult issues with you g people. I’ve had to harden myself to some awful things. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Society tells us what we are supposed to do / feel sometimes and we are all really different.