Bereavement or depression?

[Squashedfrogsandbatsblood]

My husband ended his life a year ago. I have 2 children under 3. I thought I was coping ok but now I'm not so sure.I cry every week at least still. I feel so much guilt and replay scenarios over in my head wondering how I could've done something differently. The sound of an ambulance gives me an anxious feeling and I get so frustrated with my 2 yo who is quite challenging. I don't know what is grief and what is challenges of being a single parent with young kids. I don't even know if I could be depressed. I've changed everything in my house as I can't bear anything to be the same as when he died, or a rekinder of our life together. I just feel so lonely. I want a partner and hate that every memory of my best friend is now filled with sadness. I feel like I'm just waiting for every day to end. Has anyone else felt like This? Is there an end in sight?

Many widows will tell you the second year is worse than the first. I think the first year is raw and painful but you're in shock which kind of blurs the edges. The second year is stark and relentless, people expect you to have "gotten over it but you are still facing everyday without him.
BUT you do learn to live with the grief so it's not quite as exhausting and demoralising. There will probably always be questions, what ifs and if only's but as time goes on they are not in the forefront of your mind and less frequent. Have you joined a support group like WAY or contacted Winstons Wish? You do feel so alone but there are people out there dealing with the same issues too and it's really comforting in a strange way to know other people have/are experiencing the same pain,frustrations,worries,loneliness and sadness as you.I would try them and maybe talk to your Dr , even if you are not depressed they might refer you for some counselling.
Do you have any support,friends or family who could have your children for a few hours every now and then just to give you a break? You and your children are going through an incredibly difficult and painful time and you are doing great every day just getting out of bed and looking after your children so give yourself and them a break - have a dvd afternoon,trip to the park or beach etc whatever you like and just enjoy yourselves because you all really really deserve it!

It's probably a bit of both frogs and I suppose that's inevitable. Grief is in great measure many if the same feelings involved in depression such as overwhelming sadness, certainly exhaustion, regrets and guilt. I think they are all normal parts of learning to live in your new world and adjust to the loss you have experienced.

On top of that being a lp is tough at times too.

Really try to look after yourself physically by eating properly, getting to bed early and taking time to relax as much as possible. Also mentally by talking to friends and family but also to a professional through the gp or privately if that's an option. You have a hell of a lot to deal with and I think you should have a proper strategy in place to get through it. It will get easier. It won't be the same forever. It just takes longer than a year. [Hugs] x