So upset - dad’s stuff all gone

[Passthebubbly]

I have to get some perspective on this but am so sad and upset.

My dad died 3 months ago. My mum agreed we would go through his belongings together and sort it all out this week. I went yesterday to be faced with his all his things bagged up to go to charity. I was taken aback and upset to be honest but respected it was her place to do it.

My husband loaded it all into the car and today when he opened the boot I noticed it was all gone. He had put it all into a charity bin yesterday. I am so so upset I never got the chance to go through things and take something to keep for myself and kids. I was having a really down day as it was and this has just floored me. I only wanted a scarf to keep and it’s all gone into a clothes bank which is also not what I wanted I was keen to give it to a homeless charity. Someone tell me to get a grip and it’s onky stuff. Just feel nobody has given me a sencond thought in all of this. I only wanted his scarf. Why would my husband do that

That is a wierd thing for him to do. I'm sorry this has happened. Perhaps you can ask your mum if she has anything?
Condolences

Gosh that's sad. Really sorry to hear that

If you didn’t mention wanting something to keep he may have simply thought he was doing a kind thing for you in dealing with it. Some people’s reaction would be ‘want it done’. But I think I’m with you - I would also be gutted. 💐

I luckily took 2 tops that I have fond memories of him wearing and photos of him in. I just really wanted his scarf and time to go through his things before giving them away. I’m just in shock my husband done this . Apparently we agreed in the car yesterday! My recollection was him saying probably best just to put them in the clothing bin. I never said anything in response as I was upset and that was the last thing I wanted to do with his things. He obviously took that as go ahead. I’m honestly just devastated I never got the chance to look at his things and choose where they went. It’s like throwing out the rubbish I feel awful about it. My husband now seems pissed off with me as he took it as I agreed. I didn’t. To not even tell me he was doing it or check I was ready.

I took the 2 tops the day after he died this stuff I hadn’t even had the chance to go through. I know I sound like a brat I just wanted that scarf so much. Mum has kept his coat and one outfit so I can hardly ask for that. Just so glad I took those tops that day.

You don’t sound like a brat. I remember desperately wishing I had one of my grandads shirts or cardigans, but nothing, and it is upsetting. Classic response from husband - I expect he’s pissed off cos he thought he was helping and he feels bad that you’re upset and he hadn’t made it better. Sorry for you and so sorry for your loss

Thank you oatmilk - sorry about your grandad, I should count myself lucky I have the things I do. Need to move past it but just so hurt he has done this and is acting like it’s no big deal.

☹️💐💐💐

I think what he did was pretty awful actually and you are right to be upset with him. Can you find out which charity bin then call them to explain? I'm sure they would be accommodating in this situation.

It was one of the clothes bins within a recycling Center in a different town to where we live. It was all in bin bags and not sure how often these bins are emptied. I work in said town so I will drive there and see if there is a phone number etc. Not sure how I can prove the stuff belongs to my father as I don’t know what what in each bag. Worth a try though yes

This is wrong on so many levels, I don't know where to start.
Why haven't you spoken up? To your mum? And your Dh. Where is the rest of his stuff, the non clothing? The bits and pieces and photos and metal bits etc?
Start with the recycling centre visit.

You need to start verbalising things.

My mum still had most of his things non clothing wise. I have not said anything to her as at the end of the day she done what she felt was right and he was her husband. I do have some of his things like wallet and bus pass etc so it’s not like I don’t have anything. It was just a shock that my husband got rid of it all without checking with me I was ready and without me having had the chance to go through the bags myself. I don’t think there was any malice in what he done I think he thought just get it done so I didn’t have to do it. However it’s left us in this weird place where honestly I can’t even look at him right now and he is acting like nothing is wrong and if anything seems angry with me for being upset.

My mother too is very sick and it’s been a really shit few months and in all honesty I’m at breaking point mentally. I don’t have it in me right now for confrontations abd Upset right now