Bereavement- what is 'normal'?

[sparkleandsleep]

My dad died two weeks ago just 3 months after diagnosis of cancer aged 63.
I spent his last week with him, including five days in a hospice sleeping on a sofa and I am struggling to process that week as well as deal with the physical loss and all the practicalities of wills etc.
How/ when do you know if your feelings are 'normal' or if you aren't coping as you should? When does bereavement counselling help?
At the moment I can't get past the reality of that week with him as we both found it so difficult (I won't elaborate but it was harrowing) so I almost feel like my grief has been put on pause whilst i process that.
I know it's soon after losing him so emotions will still be running high but I have gone back to work this week and finding it so difficult ... I keep putting thoughts of him out of my mind just so I can carry on.
Hope this all makes sense but any advice would be appreciated. My dh and friends are very supportive but I don't want to wear out their compassion and patience! I also have three young children that I am trying so hard to be strong for as they are hurting too.

If you feel you need to talk to someone to help process what you went through, then you don’t have to wait. There is no ‘normal’. I have heard that Cruise can be helpful, although they weren’t fantastic when I used them.

It sounds as though you’re dealing with the trauma of what happened in the last week, plus the shock of it all happening so quickly and then the actually bereavement on top. Be kind to yourself

Anything you feel is normal.

The hospice should be able to offer you some therapy if you ask.

You’re right; your grief is on pause while you’re dealing with all the practical stuff. If you feel you need to talk to a bereavement counsellor, do it when you’re ready. I’m sorry for your loss💐

Sorry for your loss
There is no ‘normal’ way to feel in bereavement, you feel how you feel, everyone is different.
It sounds like the last week was very hard for you, but in the future you will probably
feel some comfort that you were there for your father when he needed you the most.
If you are finding work too difficult at the moment, then ask your GP to sign you off sick another week or two and be gentle with yourself.
Finding someone to talk to may well help you, as pp’s said, Cruise and similar organisations are trained to help and lessen that feeling that you have about talking with friends. The Hospice may have a counselling service that you can go to, or suggestions about where to get that help.

Thank you. The hospice is around 500 miles away so although they've offered support I can't really access it. That hasn't helped much either as his property etc is so far away so I had to rush clearing it before I was really ready as I had to come home. Hopefully today is just a blip and I'll get some sleep then feel more positive.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I don’t think there is a ‘normal’ where bereavement is concerned. When my dad died I was so busy with a newborn that I never really seemed to have time to grieve, and then with time it just seemed to pass.

With my mum, it was the same as your dad in that she died of cancer less than 3 months after diagnosis. I took her death much harder and kept myself really busy until the funeral (it didn’t seem somehow right to grieve till after that). Then it took a year of getting frequently upset before the pain lessened.

I didn’t feel that I needed counselling, as I thought my feelings were normal and my sadness would lessen with time. Being able to talk about it with friends helped a lot, so you should lean on them for support OP. If After a while I had found I really was t coping well, I would definitely have asked for help from counselling services etc.

There is no normal - it's different for everyone. That said it's really soon and it takes time to process the enormity and permanence of the situation, certainly weeks if not months for the raw grief stage. See if there's a support group in your area - most professional counselling is aimed at kids or those who have lost a child, however there are volunteer led programmes, your local hospice should know (even if they weren't caring for your dad). Another thing is there's a lot to do following a death so you are probably very tired, this also can make you feel overwhelmed. Please hang in there, it gets better - I help people arrange funerals so I see the raw grief stage, but I'm always happy when they pop in months later and life is ok, different of course but they have acceptance, they "move on" with their lives I suppose (and the boxes of chocolates are always welcome of course).

Thank you. You're right, I am pretty exhausted with everything going on and my job is very emotionally intense so I feel totally spent. I'm going to have a relaxing weekend and try to rest.

I am in a fairly similar situation. My dad passed away last Wednesday, only a week after his cancer diagnosis. He was 62. I keep thinking about his last week and its breaking my heart, he was so sad and scared. I wish he didnt know! I am also 28 weeks pregnant with first baby so feeling worried that my grief is going to affect my baby. I think ita going to take a very long time to feel better. You are not alone. This is such an awful time, my thoughts are with you
X

I just thought I'd check back in here... five months on and it isn't quite so raw now but still hurts. I can go for days feeling Ok then suddenly have a wobbly few days. Those closest to me are almost certainly losing patience with me now
Haven't accessed any bereavement support and still undecided as to whether or not I will do. Anyone had recent experience of this support and how useful it was?
Huge sympathies to anyone in the same position!

Give it a go- what is the worst that can happen?

Sorry you are still struggling.

Look at grief this was.

Draw a circle on a sheet of paper.
That is your life and everything it encompasses.
Now colour it in with scribbles - that is your grief.

Now draw a larger circle around that.

The grief doesn't disappear, it doesn't get smaller, you life grows around it, it may change colour, it may fade, it may get darker but your life will grow around it and you will learn to deal with it.

I’m 12 months on today... it’s still a rollercoaster. I still miss my dad. That’s my normal now, but I get upset less often. It’s very gradual and you will have your own pace.. everybody’s journey through grief is different . Be kind to yourself, a good cry never hurt anyone! And tell whoever is not patient to bugger off, if they died would they like to be forgotten so quickly??? Keep on going op

He only died 2 weeks ago op. This is early for you to deal with work. Is there a normal? We all grieve differently. There are stages of grief but when you hit which stage will vary to the next person.