Struggling to go on with family life

[Annandale]

Just feeling things are very tough at the moment.

DH has been dead almost nine months now. I know objectively it's quite a short time but it's starting to seem very long. I feel very distant from him a lot of the time, so much so that I was able to put up the photo boards from the funeral which I have been putting off, as I thought his parents would like to see them when they came over (which they did); but today it hurts so much to look at them. I hate photographs. So many of them look sort of happy but I can remember all the difficulty around many of them. I look at the wedding pictures and dh looks quite stressed. Why did I put him through such a big wedding.

His brother continues to blame me for his death. I had a panic today because his parents came to lunch here and when I asked if they would like to come for Christmas, they are of course going to dh's brother's for Christmas - I expected it, in some ways wanted it because it would be quite hard work to have them for Christmas as well as my mother, and of course it's their choice anyway, but I suddenly felt terrified that ds and I will be way down their priority list and we will lose touch especially if dh's brother never can forgive me

Thought I would cheer myself up by watching a movie but chose Moonstruck not the best idea. And I read the thread about parents dying when you're a teen. Ds seems to be doing quite well but it's such a tough thread to read!

it's so so hard. I am not sure I am strong enough to keep going, support ds, support my mother, be a good DIL. I miss dh so very much. It's kind of nice to say that as in the early weeks I didn't miss him nearly as much, in fact barely at all. But now I do.

That all sounds very tough to deal with. Why does his brother blame you, is it simply a grief reaction or something more deep rooted? Not that it is acceptable behaviour from him at all, you need his support not anger.

Winstons Wish may be a good contact for your DS. They support dc coping with grief and have some very good tools and information too. Be kind to yourself too and try to find some support that suits you whether online or face to face.

Dh took his own life, his brother disagrees with my decisions in the days running up to his death and says i failed in my duty of care to him. I would agree totally that i got it wrong at several points.

I think that isn't unusual. I think a lot of people are quite numb to begin with, sort of 'functioning' to get the practicalities sorted, and getting support from people around you, but then life goes back to normal for most and that is when a death can hit home for the loved ones.

Why does brother blame you ?

Have you been to any bereavement support groups ? I think they can be incredibly useful - giving you time for yourself, to begin the grieving process.

I am sorry for your loss.

That alone is tough for you to deal with, your own what ifs and revisiting those days. But getting it wrong does not make you responsible for his death. Suicide is very unpredictable and deep down his db should know that you wouldn’t have wanted him to die..

I'm having therapy but haven't been to a support group yet.

Worried about being unable to cope with other people's stories and misery.

Ah no, I'm sure bil is reacting out of grief, but it's not on putting it at your door. It was a choice you didn't make. I don't know what the lead up to it was, but it certainly wasn't your fault.

I lost my daughter to cancer when she was five and I just was so angry, for many, many years. Angry at people, angry at God (I'm an atheist - but that's how angry I was). Most of all, I was angry at myself, that I couldn't protect her, it was my job to protect her.

My point is, all outside folk saying "it's not your fault", was irrelevant. I felt it in my bones. If you've got someone actually blaming you, what a head fuck! I'm actually angry at your BIL, but the fact is, he's just angry too. Angry that he's feeling this terrible feeling of grief, but he's still being out of order - because, as an objective outsider, no matter what happened before, it's still not your fault.

I'm so glad his parents are still in your life. If you're worried about your relationship dwindling, I think honesty is always the best policy.

Take one day at a time op. 💐 it's so overwhelming.

'I felt it in my bones' exactly fieryghoulie. Listening to my bil say all that was almost harder than the moments of my dh's death.

Grief is no fun eh.

I think, down the line, he might well realise how cruel he's being. I hope so.

Please know this is not your fault. In time your BIL will realize that and hopefully apologise.

Be kind to yourself 9 months is no time at all. Mental health is an awful disease, just like cancer really.

We recently had the inquest for my ex DH, he also took his own life (you may remember - you were so kind to me when I posted here in April) and the coroner went to great lengths to explain no one could have reached him, he was determined. I’m sure the same can be said in most cases.

Look after yourself x

I think suicide deaths bring a whole new layer of shit to grief. People grasping at the ‘what ifs’ and looking for explanations, when it’s usually a complex and confusing picture.

It wasn’t your fault.

I’m sorry your BIL is taking it out on you.

I've come back to this thread because today I went to lunch at my in-laws and found my BIL was a guest too, which I hadn't been told (had been told what I thought was the complete guest list). We were in the same room, we were civil but it was so painful. I have said to them that it would be better if we didn't see them together at the moment and they know that things were said at the inquest but not the details. They obviously don't want to honour my wishes on this and just want the 'row' to be over. I'd actually made efforts to contact them so that Ds could see his cousins and had tried to be as respectful as I could setting things up so the kids could spend time together without BIL and I having to meet, but he's never responded to that and I was in limbo. I feel like I can't trust my in-laws not to keep doing this. I just want to pull away and not go to theirs again for a while.

I think that's totally understandable. Maybe you could arrange for the kids to spend time with them without you being there, if dc want to that is.