My Mum died on 20th September. I know it's only early days but my reaction is worrying me. I am so worried about how my reaction might be affecting our children. I don’t remember ever seeing my Mum cry. They are seeing it all the time. I’m bursting into tears so often and unexpectedly - a photo of something I thought I’d buy in memory of her set me off yesterday as it made me overwhelming sad that I hadn’t made the effort to get it when she was alive.
She was a woman who was very well respected in her community but moved to be near us as she needed more help with Dad and so away from where she had always lived. She did a lot of voluntary work but so many of her contemporaries have also died.
Nevertheless I was shocked when I walked into our church and saw how few people were there. Only about 20 people. I can’t get the image of the near empty church out of my head. I feel like I let her down somehow. Everyone said the funeral was lovely but I spent the whole time feeling embarrassed that we’d made such a fuss given the numbers. Mum has suggested just going to the crematorium but because she attended the Church I thought we should go there as well. It really was cringy with no-one singing etc.
Only 2 people came from the church congregation. I feel quite let down by that.
It feels as if people had forgotten her because - I feel of her dementia. Looking back I should have released that people had stopped visiting and thinking about her years / months ago. Yesterday my cousin - as an example - finally rang. She didn’t come to the funeral as she says she didn’t get the message on time. She did. I was perfectly polite but am so hurt. My Mum was wonderful to her. She kept saying ‘you think people are going to be there for ever' and affectively wanted to feel better. I spoke - my husband said - for a reasonable amount of time but to be honest I just wanted to be off the phone. I am trying not to judge about the lack of contact with Mum prior to her death but really don’t have the energy to deal with my cousins sadness at it. Chances are she won’t ring again but I have had conversation after conversation like this and yes it does actually matter right now - a little bit - that people didn’t make that last bit of effort to come and see her. Attending the funeral would have been nice to support me.
If I’m honest I feel at sea about what to do about family. I feel I make the effort. I could list what I’ve done and how it’s not really been reciprocated.... including travelling funerals, seeing people when they were ill but actually lots more. I sort of did though for Mum so now I have it decide what’s ‘right’ for us now.
I look back on my children - lots of large family occasions with lots of cousins etc - and feel very sad that my children just don’t have this. I can’t make my family though want to be involved. We really only get together with my family if I make the effort. I’ve accepted this as we ‘live away’ but actually no one lives were we grew up now. Should I listen to the silence of lack of invites and give up?
My husbands family is very similar. We don’t get much contact proactively from them. I hear stories of fun family Christmas when his nephews were little. Now we have children our in laws go aboard. We are not invited. There has been no fall out. They just don’t seem to be bothered about seeing us as they are over Christmas.
I feel so lonely without my Mum but also worried now about a lonely future.
How do I get over feeling like I let Mum down about her funeral? I feel like I want to do something else to say goodbye as I didn't at the funeral. I am wondering what / how to deal with her ashes and whether that provides a opportunity to do something very privately.