Coping with my Mum's pain

[silversplodge]

My Dad died from cancer December 2017. It was about a year ago his health really started declining and his death and the build up were really quite traumatising. He wasn't old, in his 60s. Him and Mum had been married since school and lived a fairly insular life, not many friends, no solo activities.
Since his death, I text Mum multiple times every day to try to help her not feel alone and to have some kind of outside contact, as otherwise she would literally sit in a house by herself and have nothing. I can't see her regularly at all as it is a 6 hour drive and I am not in good health myself at the moment.
Her texts have lately been more telling of how she is feeling (I am sure she was just better at putting on a brave face before rather than feeling ok) - everything is awful, eg if it has rained she tells me the weather couldn't be any worse, she's started telling me she wakes every night at 2 and 4am and can't get back to sleep, keeps telling me how much weight she has lost (which she has). Tells me how long the days are.
I've suggested gently she sees a counsellor or GP but she won't. She says there's no way anyone could help her with all the stuff she is going through and stops texting. And will sometimes text that she can't handle 'all this' if something has gone wrong, like something in the house broken that she doesn't know know how to fix.
It hurts me so much to know how much she is hurting and I feel panicked thinking about it. If she doesnt reply to a text within an hour i cant calm myself until she does. I think sonetimes the texts helps to the extent she knows there is someone there, but i also think she struggles to think of what to say (as do i) and i wonder if sometimes it rubs in how empty her life is now as she has nothing to tell me. Last time i visited her she said i dont have to text all the time, so i dont know if she wants me to stop. I have tried svalibg back a bit, not starting until lunchtime and stopping at 5pm, but that also seems to coincide with the texts sounding sadder.

I also know she is allowed to grieve and be sad, but I feel like she's probably never going to be happy or enjoy her life ever again. And that hurts me so much.
Has anyone else been through similar? Did anything help how much it hurts?

Oh Silver I completely understand your feelings. My dad died a year ago and, although I live close by, my mum is so, so lonely. It’s hard to motivate her and she is just lost being on her own. My mum doesn’t want to see a counsellor either, she simply says that they can’t bring my dad back for her. I have three disabled DCs so it’s not easy for me to devote the time just to my mum but I do my best. Like you, I panic if I don’t hear from her as I feel so responsible for her now. Her grief is raw, they were together a long time....a lifetime really and there’s nothing I can do to ease her pain. My thoughts are with you and your mum. 💐
If you are far away, would she be able to use FaceTime perhaps so that she can she you rather than just a voice on the phone? It might reassure you both to be able to see each other. She has a very kind daughter and you will be giving her strength just by being there for her in whatever ways you can. Take care.

I can relate to this. When my father died my mum took it very hard, he was seriously ill but she always expected he would survive. She wanted to talk about him all the time, which I found difficult as I was grieving in my own way and also had a newborn. We had a tricky relationship for a while as she felt very lonely and hurt if I didn't respond well. Time did heal fortunately, our relationship at least.
Does she live near you?

Can you give her 'jobs' to do - even if in the way that you give a toddler a job to occupy them although you have to redo it! - suggestions off the top of my head, get you some new tea-towels, find a picture of your dad on x holiday when you lived at home, knit your kids scarves in x yz colours, plant some bulbs up for christmas gifts. Make her feel useful.

Send her little things in the post if she is not nearby - a hot chocolate sachet, a lace hanky 'for your tears', cutting from a newspaper/magazine. Make her feel loved.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm in a simlar situation, not quite the same, I'm finding it hard to deal with my mother, who gets hysterical (screaming, shouting) daily and will not recognise that dad's passing has affected me and my brother. I don't know how to cope with her and I can't do anything about her loneliness because I'm at the other end of the country as well. It's so hard and I feel so guilty. I sometimes read on here that we''re not responsible for others' happiness but one can't just sit there and say "not my problem" when it's your mum. That would be mean. It sounds like youre doing your best.