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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Do you ever go into a hospice for a couple of days?

40 replies

newwomannow · 04/10/2018 17:47

Hi,
Looking for advice / knowledge from anyone who has been in a similar situation or knows the process.

My Mum has stage 4 pancreatic cancer & has been given a couple of months to live.

She has been attending the hospice for the day on a weekly basis for about a month & today they have taken her in.

My Mum has text to say she’ll see how things progress but my Dad has emailed to say it is all fine & she is just in for a couple of days to sort out her care needs.

I am worried that my Dad is in denial or has been given “softer news” by the staff so he doesn’t freak out.

I just want to know the truth - will she be coming out or not?

Any advice welcome.

OP posts:

Booboostwo · 04/10/2018 18:29

I am very sorry about your mum.

Yes, people do go into hospice for short term stays for a variety of reasons, e.g. respite care, to sort out a particular issue, to change medications, etc.

I hope your mum is back home soon.

Asmallrole · 04/10/2018 18:33

Absolutely they do. Sometimes it's hard to assess someone in a 'snapshot' and it needs a few 24 hour periods to sort out medication/care needs.

Bombardier25966 · 04/10/2018 18:33

My neighbour did, it was used as respite for his wife to have a break.

Helenluvsrob · 04/10/2018 18:35

Yep. Often for control of specific symptoms then home when sorted

OllyBJolly · 04/10/2018 18:39

Quite often a hospice is the best place to sort out ongoing palliative care so yes, usual to go in for a few days.

daisypond · 04/10/2018 18:52

Agree with everyone else - yes, it's normal to go in for a few days.

Blackoutblinds · 04/10/2018 18:53

Sorry about your mum xx pancreatic cancer is a fucker

Yes, it’s normal. My mum did a few times to get pain relief and bowel issues sorted.

pontiouspilates · 04/10/2018 18:56

My close family member has Stage 4 Lung cancer and has had a few 'mini breaks' (her term) in the local hospice. Sometimes for pain management and sometimes to give her primary carer some respite. So sorry to hear about your Mum

Original poster

newwomannow · 04/10/2018 20:41

Thanks all that’s good to know, have had a few updates from my Dad but they seem less optimistic in nature.

It’s so hard not being there & not knowing what’s really going on.

OP posts:

MissEliza · 04/10/2018 21:38

So sorry to hear about your dm. It is hard to know if the news you're getting from your dps is the truth or an abridged version. It is however common for someone to go in and out of a hospice. Best of luck to you all in the coming months.

Whyisitsodifficult · 04/10/2018 21:40

I would get there as soon as possible if I were you. Have you spoken to the hospice staff yourself?

birdladyfromhomealone · 05/10/2018 22:05

My Mum had lung cancer and had a fall at home, the PM took her to our local hospice on our GP advice. I got there a few hours later ( 300 miles away).
I spoke to the doctors who said she would be in for a few days to get her pain under control and would be going home in a few days.
I asked if she was in the active phase of dying and they said no.
After spending 48 hrs with her I left to drive the 300 miles home to return with my aunty to take her home in the next day or so.
Whilst I was gone they adminstered a syringe driver and we never got to say goodbye.
Please make sure you know all the facts before you leave

Haberpop · 05/10/2018 22:08

I used to work in a hospice. Yes, people absolutely do go in for a couple of days often for symptom management or for respite.

Onlyfamandclosefknow · 05/10/2018 22:11

Yes absolutely- for lots of reasons like symptom control, respite, medication adjustments etc.

All the best OP.

MissEliza · 07/10/2018 14:37

How are things Op?

FreedomFighter11 · 07/10/2018 16:43

Thanks for the message MissEliza. Saw Mum today - she is thinner & more jaundice than she was but was bright & chatty.

Spoke to the nurse before I left & she thinks Mum will probably stay in now but has a fair few weeks left.

She sai we’ll know when it’s getting near the end which was reassuring.

Trying to relax a bit more & not panic at every message / update - my nerves are shot!

MissEliza · 07/10/2018 22:46

You're in my thoughts Op. My dm passed away from cancer this year. I'd never experienced such feelings before. Big hugs for you all x

charliemay101 · 09/10/2018 13:51

My Dad went into a hospice 3 times and came home twice. The first time he went in, he actually came home so much better than he was when he went in. And he was at home about 6 weeks before he had to go back. They are amazing places and can do so much to manage symptoms, but they need to be able to monitor you 24/7 for a few days, in order to get dosages right. The third time he went in, he sadly died but it was the most peaceful death I could have hoped for, for him.

BirdOfParadiseLady · 09/10/2018 17:19

Going to have a name change fail here but have posted something outing on another thread so - OP here.

As I suspected, looks like Mum will be staying in the hospice now but only really because both Mum and Dad would prefer it that way.

Saw her on Sunday which was lovely - bit emotional and the nurse said that nothing will happen quickly.

I'm trying to get myself out of panic mode every time I get a text / email but I've text her twice today and she hasn't responded which is now getting me anxious.

She was very alert and chatty on Sunday which I know she can only sustain for a approx an hour and the nurse said that we'd know when the time came so I'm trying to take comfort from the fact that she's in the right place and in the best possible hands.

Had to look after my little one today whilst juggling 'working from home' so feeling a bit frazzled.

Part of me wants her to be gone and all this to be over and part of me wants to keep seeing her every week as I treasure the time we have together.

God this is shit.

MissEliza · 09/10/2018 22:22

It is indeed shit Op. Yoiur dm does sound comfortable there and in good hands which I hope offers some comfort to you. Wishing you all the strength you need for this difficult time ahead.

Claireshh · 09/10/2018 23:30

I know how you are feeling. My mum died of pancreatic cancer last October. It is true what the palliative care team said, they will know when it’s getting near. Sending you lots of love. Xxxx

Terig · 10/10/2018 17:49

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. You may find it helps you and your dad to have a chat with someone at the hospice so they can support you both whilst you are going through this tough time. You need looking after as well x

BirdOfParadiseLady · 12/10/2018 10:38

OP here, just an update for the kind posters who have been so supportive.

As I feared, it wasn’t just a couple of days. Mum has been in the hospice for 8 days now & has deteriorated rapidly.

I saw her yesterday & it was clear that we’re on days not weeks now.

I’ve promised to visit her every day now but don’t think it’ll be long.

It was devastating seeing her so I’ll yesteday when four days previously she was so bright. I’m hoping this phase doesn’t last long for both her and our benefits.

BirdOfParadiseLady · 12/10/2018 10:39

ill not I’ll

Makethisquick · 12/10/2018 16:28

Sorry op hope the staff are lovely and she isn't suffering x

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