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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Feeling numb

15 replies

MINNIE1 · 24/08/2004 13:06

I had a m/c at 11 weeks, i had to have a d&c.. Somedays i feel really good and others i feel numb, just want to shut everyone out.. I would now be 21 weeks and i really wanted the baby.. when i see friends with there babys i feel angery.. it keeps popping into mind what stage i would be at and that i would have been a good mother.. I just feel cheated about the whole thing.. Sorry i am venting but i don't know how i can stop these feelings and try and start new...

OP posts:

ZolaPola · 24/08/2004 13:15

oh Minnie - so sorry to hear about your m/c..
I know exactly how you feel having had one too a few yrs ago- I also felt numb and hated seeing others with their babies, I think this is normal and to be expected after what you've been through - it helped me to let the feelings out with my dh (but didn't to anyone else especially as they said unknowingly hurtful things like "you're lucky at least you can have another 1 at your age, at least it was an early one, just move on" etc - those things may be true but doesn't help to hear them when you're feeling so raw). The Miscarriage Association are brilliant to talk to - helpline 01924 200799
Big hugs.

MrsFogi · 24/08/2004 13:54

I have exactly the same feelings (I had a d&c in June) so I think it may be part of the grieving process. I don't think you should even try to stop the feelings as it never helps to shut things out - I think the best is to just accept that you have these feelings and try to rationalise them (whether by thinking them through or discussing them with someone else). I've also found it helpful to have the hope that I'm getting on with trying to get pg again as it feels like at least I am trying to carry on with my life.

millipede · 24/08/2004 14:50

So so sorry to read of your loss. I had a misacrriage at 10 weeks. It was my third, and I have to say a mistake. When I lost the baby, I had the grief and the terrible guilt to try and get through - I kept thinking that somehow I hadn't wanted it enough for it to stay in me. I know that sounds silly, but there is no right or wrong way of feeling. Even now, 18 months later, I still find myself from time to time working out how old it would have been. The feelings of loss don't go away, and why should they. They just get easier to live with. Good luck, and just go with the flow. Cry when you want to, and smile when you want to.

Azure · 24/08/2004 16:10

Minnie I'm really sorry to hear about your m/c. I had a m/c at almost 12 weeks last October - the baby was due in May - and it was the worst time of my life. For months & months afterwards I would be tearful thinking about it, and even now I can get upset. The feelings of hurt and loss won't go away, but it will get more bearable. There will continue to be good days and bad days. Don't be hard on yourself or give yourself any deadlines to "get over it". It is good that you are venting your feelings here - please vent some more, if needed - you are not alone.

Original poster

MINNIE1 · 24/08/2004 16:48

Hi to all,
Thank you for picking me up, i was feeling down.. it is so good to tell people who understand what my feeling are, i am tearful alot of the time but i do fell it helps me, i think every day of my little angel my angel that i want so badly to say goodbye to, i know that this pain will always be in me and soon it will get easier.. Thank you so much for your kind words..

Minnie1

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bunny2 · 24/08/2004 20:27

Minnie, I've had 2 miscarriages and they were incredibly painful but it does get easier, it really does. You have to work through the grief so you can come out the other side. Have you read through the other threads under Msicarriage/Bereavement? There are lots of us who understand what you are going through.

Canadianmom · 24/08/2004 22:11

Minnie, I am sorry to read that you are still feeling down. As other posters have said, it is perfectly normal to feel sad and numb. I too, am still alternating between tearful and numb after my third miscarriage in June...
Wish I could offer more than a sympathetic ear/eye. I do credit mumsnet for my sanity and for helping me come to terms with the loss. Keep posting. We are here.

Original poster

MINNIE1 · 25/08/2004 11:13

Thank you all so much, Yesterday was a really bad day for me.. my feeling really had been building up alot.. But i had a good chat with my partner and i found that we both are in the same muddle.. (having the same feelings and not knowing what to do with them) We do talk alot about the m/c he thougt i was ok and dealing with it, he did'nt want to go in to deep as he thought it would upset me..
I have to say that i have taken so much in from this site and i have a place to go when i am feeling really down, just to know that there are other women out there dealing with the same pain i am.. Thank you all again 4 your help and support it has mad a difference..
Minnie....

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Barclay · 27/08/2004 13:39

Minnie, So sorry to hear about your m/c. I had a m/c at 11 weeks after five years of trying to get pregnant. I was devastated and the wait for the scan the next day was unbearable. When I was scanned the radiographer said "That's where the baby was" which was really upsetting. A moment later she said she could see another heartbeat. Being in a very emotional state I thought she was only saying it to make me feel better (as if!!) but then dh said he could see it too. Turned out I was expecting twins and had lost one. Apparantly this is very common as since it happenned to me I have heard of numerous people it has happenned to. The next few weeks were terrible; I was frightened to cough / sneeze / move in case I lost the other twin. She is now 6 and at least two or three times a week I think how lucky I am to have her. I still have twinges whenever I see twins and wonder what the other baby would have been like.
It will get easier, Minnie, but you are grieving and need to give yourself lots of TLC.

Original poster

MINNIE1 · 28/08/2004 10:42

Hi Barclay
Thank you so much, i feel mormal now.. I know that there are others out there with the same feelings.. it must have been a rollercoaster ride for you with emotions.

A girl i work with said to me "its nearly time you and DP started a little family" If they only knew!!!

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debra64 · 15/09/2004 23:11

know how you feel minnie1 - last month I had my second m/c this year. Keep talking to and cuddling your partner as it will help him too. I found that my husband found it hard to be upset because he was trying to be strong for me. He also felt like running to hospital and getting the snip as he didn't want to put me through it again. You'll get through it together and there's a good chance you'll have a successful pregnancy in the future and all the pain of trying to get to that point will eventually dim with time, though I can't say it ever goes away completely.

debra64 · 15/09/2004 23:12

last phrase about it never going away completely was said because I lost my first baby at 22 weeks 9 years ago and I still think about her at certain times....

Original poster

MINNIE1 · 16/09/2004 12:43

debra64,
Sorry to hear about your m/c, tis a hard time of life. How are you feeling now? after the first month my feeling were raw (it was like i had no feelings at all) then i cracked and it all came out (poor partner... i cannot imagine how it was for you to loss at 22 wks.. i would find that so hard to deal with,
Coming up to christmas (i was due on boxing day)i am trying to get myself ready for it as i know i will be upset and angry.. My partner has been a rock, and like yours he felt he could'nt stand to see me hurting..
We are trying again as i felt theres no time like the present. Hoping soon

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debra64 · 16/09/2004 20:53

Tired - physically and mentally. The first time, in March, I was 10.5 weeks and cos I'd had two healthy pregnancies, I really just thought everything would be fine. I'd worried with those two after the first experience but this time round I was feeling quite secure so it was an awful shock. I'm afraid I went to bits really - it was a definite no go so I just wanted a d & c to get it over with, but I started labour type pains a few hours before I went into theatre and just felt like I was going to drown in panic.

This time around (just had first period after it, which is a lot earlier than I had one after the d & c, presumably cos this one wasn't definite therefore I had to wait around for it to happen naturally) I feel much like you described that first month - a bit numb now, though I was crying a lot when I got the first signs. Maybe because I had to wait so long for it to happen I got used to the idea and just accepted it, but I'm not sure if I'm going to crack up at some stage. I really just want my hubby back home now so we can get on with trying again.

The thing is, once you get pregnant again its hard to let yourself feel happy, just in case it happens again. Last time I had the thought - nine months is sooooooo long to be pregnant! All that time trying to look after yourself and wondering if its all going to go ok.

Original poster

MINNIE1 · 16/09/2004 23:50

debra64,
Sorry to ask this but were you givin a tablet internally to dilate you?? Cause i was and i was having labour pain's for 6 hours (then asked for an injection to stop the pain)I could'nt understand why they were doin this to me ..
I really understand everything you have said feeling's, crying and feeling numb.. these feeling's are still there.
You try for so long not to get pg and when you do decide to start a family you have to face the possibilty of m/c and even not being able to have children.. Its a cruel world..
If and when i do get pg again this m/c will always be on my mind (its is anyway) but am i resting enough, should'nt be lifting that etc...
Hoping soon we'll get PG....

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