Managing bereavement if you get depression and anxiety

[Rainatnight]

Hello. I lost my dad last Monday.

I've experienced periods of depression and anxiety on and off throughout my whole life. Mostly manageable with drugs and counselling, I live a normal life with big job, DP, DD etc. But have definitely had some tough times, MH-wise.

Thinking about the various stages of grief - anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance - I'm really worried about the depression bit. That it will turn into, you know, DEPRESSION.

I suppose my question is, if you've been through this and have had MH issues, how do you experience all the normal sadness of grief, without it tipping you over into a really difficult MH episode?

Thanks for reading.

So sorry about your dad, OP.
I don't know, but am going through a similar problem, having recently lost a loved one (not parent but close.)
After M-i-L died I went onto anti depressants. i did truly fall into a real depression - unable to function at all. It was a mistake,. I ended up on them for years and my life just dissolved into a sleepy stupor. I lost half a decade.
This time round I'm trying to just acknowledge the feelings. If I cry because of her or feel very irritable at everyday problems, I know this is because of her and the stress. I'm being very careful to get fresh air and exercise 4-5 times a week and using a journal to let off steam. But still, just like you, I'm keeping an eye out and am scared it'll tip from one to the other.
It's so hard.

I have a bit of relevant experience here.... ie MH problems pre-dating a significant bereavement. Luckily, like you, I was functioning well with medication before the bereavement, so the fact that you “live a normal life” is a good sign, there is no reason why you won’t deal with this bereavement “normally”. Have confidence in this. If you have a bad day in th future that feels like DEPRESSION then go with it, accept it, don’t push it away, but don’t assume that is means actual long term DEPRESSION.

Sorry, i cant get paragraphs to work and didn’t want to go on and on above. I should have said, sorry for your loss. It’s also a “plus” that you’ve recognised the risk of a DEPRESSION. I am far from out of the woods in terms of both my grief and MH but, touch wood, the lessons learned in managing my MH have actually been beneficial in managing my grief. I hope the same happens for you. Happy to hold you hand as time goes by

Medication and counselling.
If one doesn't help, the other will, or maybe you need them both.
Dealing with a bereavement is difficult enough if you're in robust health. I learnt the hard way that as someone who is prone to anxiety and depression that it can really impact you in this type of situation.
I hope you find something that helps, even though I know it won't take away from the fact that you have lost someone who is very special to you.

Thanks so much, that's really kind and I really appreciate the offer of a handhold. I think you're absolutely right that recognising the risks is a good thing. And I suppose that helps me start to be able to do things that can help, like the stuff that Mina has suggested above.

Oh sorry, cross post. My post was addressed to Orchid. ////mineofuselessinformation, thanks, that's what I'm worried about - that it's hard enough as it is. Can I ask if you did medication/counselling and/or got ill anyway? ///Sorry, no paras, think it's a problem across the site.

I really struggled for a long time.
Then, I got to the point where I couldn't carry on (I had other things going on that meant I didn't really grieve), so I ended up having time off work and being prescribed citalopram.
I feel much better now, but if I had the time (dc and work issues getting in the way) I would also go for counselling.
My key advice is to not let yourself sink too low - you've recognised it's an issue, so try to help yourself now.

I'm sorry you had such a hard time. What you describe is what I'm worried about. The space to grieve point is really interesting because I think I'm inclined NOT to give myself that space to think about it, because I don't want to fall into a depression. Does that make sense? But maybe you have to a certain amount in order to process it all healthily. I guess I'm just wondering what a healthy amount is. God, maybe I'm really overthinking this.

I think it is definitely wise to give yourself time and space to grieve. It needs to, at times at least, be an active process. “They” (the experts) speak of grief work and making time to do your grief work.

There is no such thing as a healthy amount of time/space, it varies from individual to individual. Trust in yourself that your mind/body know what it needs to do. Let the feelings come. Hope that does sound too woolly/non- specific.

I have had a number of episodes of depression over the last 11 years & take medication which works well for me & access counselling when I need it.

My Mum has weeks left so I’ve upped the counselling & when she goes, if I need to I will up the medication.

Personally these are the only two things that have ever helped my depression so I’m planning to rely on them.

How are you doing Rain? I hope the funeral went ok, assuming it has taken place?

I realised I didn’t answer your questions properly... I didn’t make any changes to my medication after the bereavement and I didn’t have any counselling either. Touch wood, I have stayed “well” in terms of MH.

I had had loads of counselling in relation to my MH in the past so didn’t think counselling would help with my bereavement.

Don’t get me wrong, I have still cried rivers because of the grief and experienced some mild anxiety and low mood, but nothing like when I was unwell with those issues.