Feeling like a fraud

[LookingForPerspective2015]

I feel like such a fraud even typing this, when I read the threads on here about people losing children, spouses and other loved ones. I feel for you all.

DFIL died suddenly in January, of sepsis after flu. It was entirely unexpected. DH seems to be doing OK (he's mainly worried about his Mum, who is struggling with being on her own but soldiering on and has a remarkably resilient attitude to life).

It was awful. I think I realised much earlier than DH that things were serious, and convinced him to leave work and go to the hospital. I followed shortly after and we said goodbye and watched him die. Looking back it's like a nightmare, and I can tell I'm suppressing the memories. When they come out (like today - an old work colleague of DH's has died far too young leaving behind a wife and young family) I'm a howling wreck.

I don't feel I have a right to this kind of 'trauma' reaction when neither DH or DMIL have reacted like this - and my poor DMIL had to see him incontinent, raving and violent as he was hallucinating when the ambulance came. It's not my parent nor my spouse - I've yet to go through losing a parent. I don't know what to do about it, though I suspect I may need counselling. I keep putting it off, probably because I don't feel I have any right to feeling this traumatised by what happened. Any thoughts would be welcome.

You shouldn't feel like your feeling are wrong. Trying to suppress your feelings will make things harder in the long run.

If you feel like things are getting too much, it may be worth speaking to your GP and they may be able to arrange a referral. But you only need to do that if you feel like you need the support, not just because you feel like you're having the wrong feelings.

Maybe it's triggered something, or maybe you're carrying something for his stoic wife and child... who knows? Your DFil's death sounds traumatic for everyone involved. And grief is a strange, unpredicatable thing. This has obviously genuinely affected you, you don't need to justify your response.

It’s hard losing someone close to you and sounds like this has been a dreadful shock in tough circumstances. You are allowed to feel like this, you’re grieving for yourself and your DH and MIL. It sounds incredibly sad.

Grief is a very strange thing. It touches everyone differently, your DH and MIL will have their bad moments too but they be different to your bad moments.

Take care op

It was a shock, it was real, and if you have not dealt with death and bereavement ever before it must have felt like a waking nightmare.
Don't feel guilty for what you feel.
Someone remarked to me, death is immense and a mystery - how can our reaction to it ever be out of all proportion, or inappropriate?

If I were you I might want to talk to someone trained in bereavement counselling to get this off your chest.

Thank you all for replying - your responses are extremely helpful and kind. I think maybe some counselling is in order.