Difficult time of year

[n3wn4m3]

Around this time last year, we found out that the baby I was carrying had a serious illness and would either be stillborn or would die shortly after birth. We then had to make the decision about whether to continue the pregnancy.

We decided to continue and our daughter was stillborn earlier this year.

It was very difficult few months between the diagnosis and birth, but I felt like I was coping well.

Recently, reaching the anniversary of diagnosis and decision making, plus missing out on milestones that should have been reaches around now and needing to be places where there are babies around. I'm also seeing people every now and again who knew I was pregnant and so assume I've got a baby that they want to ask about. It's made the grief reappear as badly as last year.

I'd love to be able to talk about her to people, but worry about people's reactions. It feels like my family are inside a little bubble and no one outside of it remembers she existed.

My husband is wonderful at listening when I need to talk about her and comforting me when I need it, but it isn't helping enough at the moment.

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance from anyone that has been through similar that it won't be this hard every year.

Hi I'm really sorry to hear your sad news. I've not had any experience of this, but wonder whether you have been offered any counselling? Also, people might want to talk about your baby but are scared of hurting you. Are you able to bring up her name in conversation or would this be too painful for you? I can't imagine the grief you are going through but maybe someone wiser than me can give good advice. My thoughts are with you xx

I'm so sorry this happened. I've not been through this specific situation but I have been through grief and it will get better with time. Please believe me. I would also second grief counselling - I haven't had it but it helped my DP who lost his mum very young a lot. One of the things that most helps him is keeping the memory of his mum alive in healthy ways - try talking about your daughter when you feel you can, write letters to her at important milestones or maybe there's a place you can go to feel close to her? Often we feel guilt around grief and it's a way of clinging on to the person we've lost - nurturing these ways of remembering them helps let go of that. Lots of good thoughts to you, please be kind to yourself.

Thank you both. As you've both suggested it, perhaps I will look into counselling. It hasn't previously seemed worthwhile, as I thought I was dealing with it well.

It turned out that writing it down helped by itself, so I will definitely try that I future.

Sorry for your lost. Have you contacted SANDS? I found them really helpful when we lost DC1 neonatally. It was the forums I used as didn't want to talk to anyone directly. Knowing there were other people that understood what I was feeling meant a lot.

Anniversaries are always hard especially firsts. It will be 6 years next month for us and while it gets easier there still times when it's really difficult.

Sorry for your loss Angelopal.

I read ALL of the Sands guidance leaflets (I ran out of ways to prepare when we knew that it was going to be bad news, so resorted to reading things like the Sands guidance for employers...) but didn't realise they had a forum.

I will have a look.

I expected the anniversary of her birth to be hard, but this came out of the blue.

Think this is the link. There used to also be groups for next pregnancies which kept me sane with DC2. Hopefully they are still there.

sands.community/login