About to loose our niece aged 5

[WineIsMyMainVice]

I don’t know where to start really....
my kids are 4 and 6.
My sisters kids are 5 and 6.
In April our darling little neice was diagnosed with an inoperable and terminal brain tumour. She’s gone downhill quickly and to be honest I think we have a matter of weeks before we loose her. It’s just horrendous. Obviously everyone in our family (least of all my sister) are all hanging by our finger tips!
But the reason for my post is that I’m increasingly thinking about how to deal with the inevitable with my DC. My 6 year old has worked it out and asked us if she’s going to die. Obviously, in a gentle way, we have been honest. But my 4 yo has absolutely no idea/concept at all.
I had the most heartbreaking conversation with my sister yesterday when we talked through funeral plans. She wants to have a private funeral for immediate family only. Then have a separate memorial service for others shortly afterwards.
My only worry is which (if any) to take my children to. Part of me is thinking I should just take 6 yo DD to the memorial service only. But then would the funeral instead help her realise that her cousin is not coming back?
What do I do with my (just) 4 year old son?
Sorry for long post. Thanks in advance for any posts.

I'm so sorry. What an utterly awful situation for you all.

I'm mostly just posting to bump this, because I don't have children myself so my opinion isn't worth much.

But personally I'd include the children in both services. They often cope better with death than adults do. And I think it will be very important to them in the future to have been included. Also your sister's other child might find it helpful to have their cousins there.

I know a little girl whose sister died in similar circumstances and she was fully involved in the funeral etc. She has been very matter of fact about it all.

There are various bereavement charities for children so it might be worth speaking to one of them for advice.

I hope that your niece is comfortable and that you can all spend as much precious time together as possible

This is so terribly sad, WineisMyMainVice.

I agree with what WhatWouldLeslieKnope do said above.

Bless you all. x

"I Miss You" by Pat Thomas is a very helpful book for children . I'd highly recommend it , having used it when my sister died. I'm so sorry for your sad situation .

Generally I would say to take them both to both services but I would take the lead from your sister and do what she is doing with her 6 year old. The 4 year old might not understand fully now, but might do later or (and this could have just been my sibling dynamic) their older sibling might constantly remind them that they were too little to say goodbye. Would your dh be willing to take him out if he is really disruptive? Ideally have one of your PIL (or similar) hovering around outside to take him just in case.

for you and your family.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. We lost my brother a few months ago. We are a close family, so my children were understandably upset at the loss of their uncle.

My youngest is 5. My siblings and I did wonder about taking our children to the funeral (age range 4-11). In the end we all did as we wanted them to be able to support their cousins (my brothers children) and we felt it would help them to say goodbye.

It was very sad but very beautiful. The children love to decorate the grave with flowers. It definitely helped them to get a better understanding. They ask a lot of questions. It's made them realise life is so fragile. I guess before they knew people died but they were 'old people'.

We talk about my brother a lot still. They miss him, well we all do. My 5 year old seems to gain peace from talking about him. They understood better than I thought they would.

Not quite the same but my father in law died last year. He had looked after the children (4 and 6) one day a week for almost their whole lives. He had had then on the Tuesday, went into hospital on the Friday and died over the weekend.

We talked to the them about what happened, and read some lovely stories that the hospital chaplain leant to us.

My eldest asked if he could comes to the funeral. We explained what it would be like and let him make the choice. In the end both boys came to the tea after the funeral, they called it papa last party, and enjoyed hearing people’s memories of him.

Winstons wish is an amazing charity which helps bereaved children. They can talk through this with you. So sorry to hear about your niece.

Firstly I'm so sorry for the utterly shitty hand of cards your family have been dealt. I really cannot imagine.

I would take my children personally, children deal with things better that they can see and understand. I think the fact it's one of their own is why I'd absolutely take them. This is a loss your family will always feel, I think the loss of a child is so different to any other and they should be included in that.

If possible could your husbands parents attend to look after them if they need to leave? Perhaps just outside for the service?

Again I'm so sorry for you all.

Only the other day i was discussing funerals with my 9 year old ds, he was 5 when hiis little sister died and remembers very little off her funeral. We opted for a funeral and then private cremation. We had lots off children at the funeral, mostly family children but ages were from 3 weeks to 9 years, all off them coped admirably and in some ways better than the adults. I was explaining to my ds that funerals are a chance for people to say goodbye but also for people to learn about the dead persons life.......however short. Dd was 3 when she died, but people learnt that she was bossy and she liked to hide ds's hearing aids. I explained that with a longer life their is more stories to tell but she was little and had fewer, but they were just as important. I then explained apout the wake, my ds remembers that as his entire class attended, it was wonderful seeing 35 dc run around in the sunshine playing and even now 4.5 years on it is a nice lasting memory off that day for all off us and ds's friends and cousins still talk about Pippas party and how good it was. Am so so sorry to hear about your neice. Xx

I ditto taking the children to the funeral. My ds was 6 when my mil and sfil died and 7 when my mum died. It helped them process it.
And I agree taking your lead from your sister.
I think cruse might have some resourced that might help.

Thanks for all your kind words and advice. Xx

So sorry for your sad news @WineIsMyMainVice

I can't add much, but as someone said Winston Wish is a great organisation for bereaved children .

I believe there's also one called Simon says?

Sorry, I've just looked and I think that covers Hampshire only.

Might be worth asking for advice at a hospice? They'll know of local facilities x

So sorry for what you are all going through.
I second the recommendation for I Miss You. The local hospice recommended it to me for ds2 when his Dadda died. Winstons Wish are brilliant too...

My child was four when her sibling died.

She was fully part of the funeral service, but it was an intensely private service with only immediate family.

I personally think it's very important to involve children as much as possible. It helps them process it. But it's a very personal decision.

My DM died when I was a child and we all went to the funeral. It was hard and I can remember elements of it now but it did help me to understand that she had actually died. Before the funeral it didn’t seem real and I kept expecting her to come back home. After the funeral, I kind of accepted she was gone for good. I am so sorry for your family’s terribly sad situation.

When my friends DS died aged 5, lots of DC came to the funeral service. There’s was then a family only private burial and then a celebration of his life in a venue which all the children came to. My friend had a slide show in a loop and at one point it was lovely to see all the children, including his siblings watching intently, some crying, some laughing at funny bits. He mattered to everyone there so it felt right for that occasion.

So sorry to hear what you are going through as a family.
My DD was nearly 4 when her sister died in an accident. Given the circumstances there was no preparing her for it. She came to the crematorium and saw her sister, and said goodbye to her and gave her a toy. She didn’t actually come to the service because we felt it would have been too much to expect her to sit through it and there weren’t any kids there. (That wasn’t really a conscious decision now I think about it- but I think I felt I wanted to be able to focus on saying goodbye not looking after DD)
But my dd remembers the place we went to say goodbye to her sister and that that happened and that lots of people were there and feels she was part of it- i think that is what is important. There is more than one way to do that- had she been a bit older she would have come but we didn’t feel it was right at that age.