My mum's death, I'm not sure how i feel

[Gingerninj]

My mum died yesterday morning, it didn't come as a surprise honestly, she'd been ill for a long time. I had a bit of a cry privately then carried on with my day, I feel guilty because I don't not as upset as people expect me to be, of course I'm upset though. We had a difficult relationship and haven't been close since i was really young. Then my dad died when i was 11 and our relationship only got worse from there, i was angry at her for just carrying on like nothing had happened, like he never existed. As i got older I was convinced i didn't need her and i could look after myself, she never really made time for me anyway. So when i needed her most i felt like i couldn't go to her anymore. That's how it's been ever since, we haven't really argued in years but we never really spoke either, a phone call every few weeks and maybe I'd pop in and see her when i was visiting others. I think I mostly just feel guilt and regret, i regret never telling her i loved her or even showing her but at the time she never did that for me

I don’t really know what to say to you. But I’ve noticed that no one replied, so hopefully my reply will bump this for you and someone better with words than me will come along. Much love to you though.

I would say it is too soon to know how you will react, feelings may come out much later. Stay strong.

I suspect you feelings are normal in the circumstances as you were not close. My DM was very poorly for several months - it was a relief when she passed as quality of life was poor - and sad. I have pangs if regret and sadness but do not miss her, perhaps just regret not seeing more of her over the years.

Whatever you are feeling, or not feeling, at present is 'normal'. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, everyone's situation is different and unique, though some might be similar they are never the same.
When people say, to any situation, "I know gow you feel." they actually don't. They might know how they felt in a similar situation, or think they can imagine how they would feel, but they are not you, so they don't know.
Losing your parents can be a very difficult thing to come to terms with, whatever the previous relationship has been.
There is no one right way.
sorry for you loss.

Is there someone you'd like to speak to IRL who can help you to cope with your feelings? Maybe seeing a grief counsellor would be good for you. Even though your relationship was distant, your loss is heavy

Sorry for your loss.

Give yourself permission to take time to grieve. There is no right or wrong, be gentle with yourself.

TheQueef has wise words.

No one can tell you how to react. Your feelings are your own and no one, least of all you, should question or criticise them. It sounds like you had a complicated relationship with your mum so it’s understandable that your feelings might be a bit complicated too.
Go easy on yourself xx

My Mum also died this summer so I felt I should respond . My dad also died when I was a child so I felt we had a similar situation. It sounds as if you didn't have a great relationship with your mum and that's why you feel so confused. Whatever the situation was it's a big change when both your parents have died. Take it easy on yourself it's a very delicate time .Thinking of you x

Grief is really complicated, it has stages for everyone( denial, anger bargaining, depression and resolve), and the hardest relationships to grieve are the complex , unresolved or ambivalent ones.
There is your grief, your unresolved feelings about how your mum was for you, and your unmet needs, as well as your already complex grief.

Give yourself space, talk to someone non Judgemental that you trust if that works for you & don’t worry about other people’s expectations.
Treat yourself as you would a good friend, and accept your changing feelings.

Thank you for the replies.
I do have a few people i can talk to and I spoke to my sister earlier, although she was much closer to my mum, all my siblings were, she was understanding

Hi OP, I've not a whole lot to add except to say that I'm in a similar situation, after a long illness my Dad died about a month ago, and until his funeral (yesterday) I barely felt anything. Not even numbness. The funeral seems to have unleashed a torrent of feeling, anger and sadness mainly. We were close when I was young but he chose to marry a woman who resented my presence, and I am so angry with him for that. It's caused, and continues to cause, so much pain and doubt. I agree with Ohyesiam, the ambivalent relationships seem to be the hardest to grieve.

What I can say is that there's no 'wrong' way to grieve. You may never get a torrent of emotion, and that's OK. Your situation sounds complex emotionally, but you're not alone.