Struggling - miss my parents

[LostboysNo1fan]

Both my parents are dead. DF died last year and I miss him so much. I used to see him around 6 days out of 7 and his absence is so noticable in my life in so many ways

And It feels like the acute grief I felt for my DM has come back, and I find myself crying every day just missing them. I play songs my DM used to listen to all the time, and just cry.

It's been 8 years since my DM died, and it's approaching the 1 year anniversary of DFs sudden death.

I just can't seem to pull myself together.
Is it normal to have such a strong 'relapse' (not sure that's the right word)?

Anyone? It doesn't help that DH travels and I have too much time on my own to wallow.

My dad died on Monday. I just keep reminding myself of all the good memories and how grateful I am to have had him.
I'm so sorry that both of your parents have passed away. Anniversaries are horrible, it makes you remember the bad things not all the good positive bits about the person you love. On the day, immerse yourself in happy memories & think about the positive impact that your parents had on your life. Sending hugs

So sorry for the pain you are in.

I lost my dad many many years ago, when I was 21. Then my stepfather died 9 years ago and my mum died in an accident 3 years ago. I spoke to my mum at least twice a day most days and we were extremely close.

I found the grief to much to bear for such a long time after my mum died and was also extremely cross that I had lost 3 parents, it seemed so bloody unfair and I missed them all so much. I still do really but it is now calmer and I am more at peace.

We had counselling straight after losing mum as it was a huge shock, but then I had more intense therapy about 18 months later as that is when I realised that my grief was stuck. Db found that in his counselling he talked about losing dad as he hadn’t really acknowledged that loss, maybe because he was a teenager, but it helped him to talk about dad too.

I am 50 but still feel too young to not have another generation above me in our family. I have coped with the support of my dh, friends and extended family. I am close to my lovely db and his wife and it helps that he understands how I feel.

Evenings are the worst time as it seems to be the time to relax and think....

Do you have friends or family that you can lean on when your dh is away?

Yes- I understand what you mean about relapse. My dad died almost 20 years ago, my mum 2 years ago. I’ve found myself missing my dad a lot over the past two years. Losing the second parent is a whole different grief, it’s like you grieve your childhood too.

I spent ages over the past two years listening to 80s music, that’s when I was a teenager, it takes me back and it feels like it is part of letting go.

Thank you speak

And I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad too We are lucky to have such great memories aren't we?

I keep trying to tell myself I should feel lucky to have had such great parents, but feel so sad all the time.

Oh bless those of you who have lost parents. It is so strange to suddenly find yourself, if not on your own, without that little bit of protection. I remember the feeling, also felt like that when my MIL died.

And thanks Kahlua and girl

You both get it. I also feel too young to be in this situation (I'm 42) and feel I still need their advice and guidance... but it's not there.

And yes to grieving your childhood in a way.

I was able to listen to music my Mum loved and remember good times, now I feel I'm torturing myself with it as all I can think of is how I wish they were still here.

Thank you for replying and making me feel less crazy And hugs for you and your late parents. It's not easy is it?

OP I'm so sorry 😢. I lost my dad 9 years ago and I still think about him every day. I listen to songs he loved and sometimes that still makes me cry. I'm an only one and I dread the day I don't have my mum anymore so I can only begin to understand how you're feeling right now.
I'd say your feelings are completely normal. Grief doesn't just go away. It's something that is always there. It's just managed in different ways at different times of our lives
Massive hugs to you xxx

Hi Rebecca,

That's it. I feel lonely. Although I have DH and the kids, and a brother (although things could be better with him tbh) I feel alone in my grief.

Maybe I just need to let it all out and accept I'll be sad for a while. Sorry about your MIL too

Thanks queen

You are so right. It has just surprised me how raw everything feels again. I was getting worried that I might be getting depressed, but it maybe a bit premature thinking that way.

Who knows.

Anniversarys suck.

Sorry for your loss too

Hi guys, I have just lost my mum, I am devastated. I now need to find the strength I'm not sure I have to clear her house

Bagpus I'm so sorry. I found it so hard to clear my parents' house. All my childhood memories were there.
Make sure you give yourself little breaks away from it to catch up with friends, or to do something nice for you self.
Hugs

Bagpuss, I am so sorry for your loss.

I found it hard to empty my lovely mums house, but did spend a lot of time there simply cleaning, mooching about and sobbing. Being there by myself helped me to adjust in a way and grief loudly as no doubt else was around. I used to sit on her bed and talk to her which helped to get some emotions out that I couldn’t otherwise do.

Then we started going over there as a family and chatting about things, and having lunch there, which sounds really odd now, but it did help to feel connected to her.

Take your time with it, don’t rush to empty it.❤️

Thank you, it really does help to chat topeople who have been there. Unfortunately I think we won't have much time as it's a local authority house. I'm ill Thinking about it.

Bagpuss do you have anyone help you?

Yes, lots of family and friends if required, they are getting me through, thank you xx

Glad to hear that Bagpuss.

I went to the cemetery on my way back from a meeting earlier - started crying 5 minutes before I even got there and now I can't concentrate on work.

Being a grown up sucks sometimes doesn't it.

Feel free to post here anytime btw.

my amazing dad died a year ago this week. I spent the morning playing his favourite songs and framed a photo of him. I was a mess!
I miss him so much, i still luckily have mum but dad and I were so close.
I have some amazing memories but that still doesn't lessen the pain. It's awful to think I will have to do it all again when mum goes.
I feel for you

I would recommend some counselling. I had some 3 years after my DM's death 7 years ago and even though it wasn't so raw it helped. I went with Cruse.

DF died earlier this year and keeping busy helps me. Keeps my mind off things. Go through periods of sadness. I think when the house is finally sold it will be difficult.

I feel very alone in life. I have DH, DC and siblings. But there's no one to look out for me like my parents. Makes me so sad and a bit scared actually. I'm 40, it's silly.

Very sorry.

Counselling might be useful?

Hi Loopy and Alicia

You might be right on the counselling front. I had tons of counselling for a few years (as my Mum died by suicide) - and CBT and psychotherapy. Maybe it's time for some more.

And if you're silly Alicia, so am I
I feel exactly the same. I'm 42, my youngest is 6. I feel sad he won't have that special grandparent relationship, I want to call them when one of the DC does something fab, when I need advice, when something big is happening at work...

I have no one to check the accuracy of childhood memories. The other day I was trying to remember something about one of my teachers, but I have no one to ask

Jools
Sorry, I never saw our post there. for you approaching your Dads anniversary. My Dad was also amazing. Glad you had one of the best too.

Keeping busy is good for me. I have hurt my knee (looks like I'll need an op) and can't get to my usual classes.

That is probably** affecting my mood too actually.

Hi Lostboys

My heart went out to you when I saw the title of your thread. My mother died very unexpectedly nearly 3 years ago. I am struggling with grief for her and my complicated but close relationship with her. I often feel acute loneliness in spite of having an amazing DH and Dcs.

Because my mother died intestate the resulting fall out, has been the effective fracturing of my mother's surviving relatives. Her daughters, her grand children and my stepfather who suffers from alcoholism. Because of the family feuding, I have very few people with whom to share memories of my mother.

If it helps, tell us a bit about your parents. Sending hugs

Hi Geppelii
Sorry to hear about your Mum and the deteriorating relationships since. I have only 1 'D'B and - for reasons I won't go into here - I don't feel as close to him as I used to be.

Anything I could say about either of my parents on here would probably be very outing. I'm not sure I care though.

My mum had a hard life - she was the life and soul of every party but underneath it all she was actually depressed and became addicted to many things to get her through. I still feel that I didn't do enough to help her in the months before she died, but it was so hard with the pills and alcohol changing her, none of us really knew what to do for her best. She was amazing in so many ways but troubled.

My Dad was my hero. He did so much for our community and town. When he died, the local paper wrote about it and the community council and high school created a prize in his name why was awarded for the first time this year He was so close to his young grandchildren. Always calming and lovely. My DS (6) talks about him every single day. He helped me out all the time, practically. Posting letters, dry cleaning paying my window cleaner as I never have any money in the house

I just miss them both so much.