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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Mum and Dad both gone now...that’s it and I can’t believe it

51 replies

MrsGrindah · 03/09/2018 19:07

Title says it all really. I’m grieving so so much but people can’t tell Cos I have to get on with life. But I can’t believe that the people who loved me most, and who I love most, are gone. And with them my childhood home. I can’t see how I’m ever going to get over this. Help me please lovely people

OP posts:

Theworldisfullofgs · 03/09/2018 21:20

Both my parents have died. I'm mid 40s but my dad died in my 20s. It's hard and time does make it easier and you still feel it.
It's odd being an adult orphan and there's lots I'd like to share with them still.

I'm so sorry. It is hard.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 03/09/2018 21:25

I’m so sorry. I completely understand how you feel. I lost my dad when I was 24 and mum when I was 38. I was an only child too. It’s hard, very hard. So many changes in my life in the ten years since my mother died and it hurts that she isn’t here to share them and see how much I have changed my life for the better.

mimibunz · 03/09/2018 21:32

This could be me, OP. You have expressed my exact feelings. The finality is overwhelming and the physical pain of not having that love anymore is something that can’t be described. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. All I can offer is the reminder that you did have that special love with your parents, and it’s so lovely.

Mum2jenny · 03/09/2018 21:38

It is hard and the anniversaries of things like birthdays, deaths and funerals are especially hard particularly if your siblings don't feel as you do. It does get easier, but I'm still finding this sort of thing very hard.

Treat yourself kindly OP and do talk about it to close friends. You may be surprised how much they do understand

Original poster

MrsGrindah · 03/09/2018 21:41

Thanks everyone. Needed some kind words tonight so you have come through ! Just feel so much pain xxx

OP posts:

Mishappening · 03/09/2018 21:46

I am sorry that this has hit you so hard. It is a difficult and significant time in every adult's life.

What I would say to you is that you clearly had a loving relationship with your parents and this is something to treasure - it is now a part of who you are and their physical absence cannot take that away. Ever.

JeSuisPrest · 03/09/2018 21:47

So sorry for your loss

I understand what you say about regret for things said and not said, but really my darling that is real life. We are short with people we love, we roll our eyes, wish a phone call was over so we can get back to a TV show, mutter under our breath and sometimes say unkind things that we wish we could unsay the second they leave our mouths. And yet, the two way love is not diminished for our failings. We accept that people have bad days, say things they don't mean, could be a little kinder sometimes because we see those things reflected in ourselves - we all do it and we all still love our children and parents despite it, because that's what love is. A perfect life doesn't exist, but the love your parents had for you and the love you have for them does exist - if you felt it you can be sure they did too. Gentle hugs lovely x

spottybetty · 03/09/2018 21:49

Oh, you poor love. Huge gentle hugs. What were they like? What did you love most about them?

MaryandMichael · 03/09/2018 21:49

I'm sorry for your loss. x

Original poster

MrsGrindah · 03/09/2018 21:55

Yes JeSuis you have described it exactly..all those little moments that add up to a lifetime.

To those of you that have asked about them,, They were ordinary working class people who sacrificed so much for us kids. Funny and loving, and utterly devoted to each other. They deserved a kinder death but it wasn’t to be. I’m so glad I was their daughter

OP posts:

Lindah1 · 03/09/2018 21:56

So terribly sorry for your loss. I'm not yet in that position but I am so so sorry. Hope you manage to get some sleep and that the lovely things people have said have helped a bit. You can talk to us all on here, if you feel those in real life are bored ( I'm sure they're not but you know what I mean ).

NoSquirrels · 03/09/2018 21:59

I’m so sorry, OP. When my paternal grandmother died, it was a long drawn-out vigil and I remember being in the garden when my dad broke the news that his mum had finally passed away. It was really a sort of relief as we’d been watching for a long time and seeing her seem to suffer. Everyone wanted it to be over for her sake.

But he said “I’m an orphan now” and I was in my 20s and I didn’t get it - I thought he was being ... I don’t know, appropriating a term that didn’t apply? I didn’t take it seriously. But I remember it well.

Now I’m older I understand. I’m so sorry for your losses.

Mindfulofmuddle · 03/09/2018 22:00

I understand the finality, the disbelief and raw pain you are feeling OP - I am going through this too. I have no siblings, I was their everything and they were mine. I know they would want me to live my life and enjoy my own family, so that is what I am trying to do. I miss them desperately.

AliceLutherNeeMorgan · 03/09/2018 22:06

“I’m so glad I was their daughter”

That brought tears to my eyes; what a lovely thing to say.I would be SO proud if my daughter said that when she was grown-up. It’s a lovely tribute to your mum and dad

Original poster

MrsGrindah · 03/09/2018 22:07

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I know they wouldn’t want me to feel like this. I’m trying to be strong but it’s just a mountain I feel I can’t climb, They were my cheerleaders so who is going to cheer me on through this? I sound pathetic I know but I’m just letting it all out here..

OP posts:

OrdinaryGirl · 03/09/2018 22:10

You are in my thoughts @MrsGrindah
Hugs to you sweetheart.

Citylivingwithdogs · 03/09/2018 22:10

Oh Grindah, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I have no real words of wisdom. I hope you have others around you that can comfort you, or if not there is always the Samaritans that will listen to you.
Sending you a huge hug and strength.

Original poster

MrsGrindah · 03/09/2018 22:14

Yes I think I might need to talk to someone.. just to get all this raw grief off my chest

OP posts:

Mum2jenny · 03/09/2018 22:18

You have my deepest sympathies but this thread is triggering for so many things for me, so I'm out of here. Hugs to you MrsGrindah or , go for what you need!

FiveLeavesLeft · 03/09/2018 22:19

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through. While all our experiences are unique to us, I think I understand the pain of the losses you've had (I lost one parent as a young child and the other in my early 30s). The significance of the loss of your childhood home too, is not easily understood if you've not experienced it but is a bereavement in itself.

After I lost my mum I felt like a hot air balloon with just one remaining rope tethering me to the ground; like I might at any time lose that last connection and float away and be lost. At other times I felt like I'd been skinned and rolled in salt - such a raw pain.

It does get better, it really does. Someone told me that you don't ever 'get over' it but you instead find a new normal. I'm not sure that's true - I do feel to some extent that I have got over it and now I can focus on remembering all the good things, without the pain.

Don't feel you have to time limit your grief. It isn't a linear process. Ignore anyone who puts pressure on you to be moving on and getting over it within a specified time. It sounds like you have some wonderful memories to sustain you. I wish you all the best.

Original poster

MrsGrindah · 03/09/2018 22:20

I’m sorry @Mum2jenny I really didn’t mean to upset anyone else

OP posts:

Mum2jenny · 03/09/2018 22:28

Hell, no, it's my problem, no one else. You grieve the way you want MrsGrindah but I find it easiest to talk to ppl that are outside the family envelope. And you must do what you need to do.

Benjaminbuttonschild · 03/09/2018 22:30

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the sheer pain you must be in. Please do keep posting if it helps xx

Plutonium · 03/09/2018 22:38

Yes it’s really hard when the physical home has to go as well, it all seems so final. So sorry for that

Original poster

MrsGrindah · 03/09/2018 22:41

Thanks everyone for your kindness. I know it’s only words but just knowing people are listening helps. I’ve been v strong up until now but today, for various reasons it’s just hit me really hard. Doesn’t help that DH still has his parents but doesn’t have a good relationship with them so I am irrationally jealous that he still has them.

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