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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Lost my sister

25 replies

Mummacake · 19/08/2018 23:25

I lost my sister unexpectedly this week to cancer. We feel robbed - they said she had time but she's gone. I'm in a state of shock and not quite sure what to do. My children are young but seem strangely unaffected, one of them almost indifferent & I can't understand it, maybe its me. It's the first immediate family death for me. I want to scream but I can't. I don't really know why I'm posting, maybe I need to know that this feeling of helplessness and despair is normal, that the kids behaviour isn't weird........ I just don't know anything anymore. Any words of wisdom greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Passthebiscuit · 19/08/2018 23:28

I'm sure others will come along WIth better words , but didn't want you feel alone. You will adapt , life won't be the same but you will gradually smile again ,although it doesn't feel it now . So sorry for your loss X

LadyWithLapdog · 19/08/2018 23:31

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Pancakeflipper · 19/08/2018 23:32

Hugs.
I lost my dad to cancer and his was a rapid decline. It was horrid but I am glad he was out of pain. Only comfort I could take from it.

I don't know the age of your children but perhaps the reality of your sister dying hasnt hit home to them. Even though I was with my dad for his final week and helped sort the funeral, it felt like a pretending thing until a year later. I still expect to see him.

Your grief is yours. Don't feel guilty. Dont apologise for it.
Ignore how others grieve. Just look after you and do what you want for your sister.

Original poster
Mummacake · 19/08/2018 23:40

Thank you for your kind replies.
Pancakeflipper, so sorry for your loss - like your dad, her cancer was aggressive but everyone was shocked by the speed. I am grateful that she won't suffer any more but she was my baby sister and she should be here. My poor mum is devastated. I feel almost like I shouldn't feel so sad when she is trying to be brave as were still her babies. I want to support her better. It's so hard.

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 19/08/2018 23:43

Sorry for your lossMummacake
What you are feeling is totally normal. Your in shock.
I can remember very clearly going into the garden and screaming till I was hoarse when my dd died.

bluetrampolines · 19/08/2018 23:43

I'm sorry for your loss.

tigercub50 · 19/08/2018 23:46

💐So sorry OP. Grief affects people in different ways. How old are your DC? And I understand what you are saying about your Mum but all you can do is your best - she will understand.

shuthefrontdoor · 19/08/2018 23:46

I lost my sister nearly 3 years ago now, not through cancer, a tragic accident. I don't think I've grieved properly, I don't know if I want to? It can still be so raw. You have my deepest condolences :( x

TigerDragonMonkey · 20/08/2018 00:02

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers
I lost my cousin recently very suddenly. She had a sister whom she was very close to, and a young child and niece. The children do seem less affected so I don’t think your dcs responses are weird. People try to insulate the children from the loss, keep things as normal as possible so as not to upset them. I wouldn’t worry about their lack of reaction. They don’t understand the loss the same way that you do. Just let them know they can talk to you about it if they want to, but that it’s also ok if they don’t.

Original poster
Mummacake · 20/08/2018 00:31

ParkheadParadise; shutthefrontdoor; tigerdragonmonkey - I'm so very sorry for your losses Flowers. My children are 13, 10 & 8. It's still so surreal but the reality is something I don't want to face. My siblings are in bits too, one doesn't cope too well and is being 'watched'. Thank you so much for your kindness, I feel less alone.

OP posts:
BackToTheFuschia7 · 20/08/2018 00:47

I’m so sorry Mumma

Your children’s reaction isn’t unusual, children can often be quite matter of fact about the loss of a relative, even a close one like a parent. I worked with a little boy who had lost his Daddy and he was very similar. I agree it’s jarring to begin with, but they just react differently to adults.

Please be kind to yourself, you will be dealing with the shock of the sudden and unexpectedness of losing your sister, alongside the awfulness of grief. I don’t have any wise words, but sending love to you Flowers

MrsMozart · 20/08/2018 00:50

I am so sorry.

May she rest in peace Flowers

Original poster
Mummacake · 20/08/2018 08:36

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
FuckMeIsThatEarlGrey · 20/08/2018 09:49

Mumma, I'm so sorry.

My sister died recently too, and everything you say sounds "normal" to me.

It has hit my kids sporadically at unexpected times. May be worth telling their school when they go back?

One day at a time. Again, I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Mummacake · 20/08/2018 13:29

Fuckmeisthatearlgrey - so sorry for your loss. May your sister RIP. and thank you - I'll let their schools know when they go back. xx

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 20/08/2018 13:33

I’m sorry for your loss. You are in shock; losing a sibling throws up all sorts of thoughts and emotions. The fact that other people can carry on as normal in the face of such a huge loss feels very very strange. Be kind to yourself.

Poudrenez · 20/08/2018 16:42

OP I'm so sorry that you have lost your sister FlowersFlowersFlowers. I lost my brother rapidly to cancer four years ago. He was in his late 20s and had everything to live for. I remember feeling like a huge cat was ripping my insides out, it was a kind of violent sadness I've never experienced before or since. It was utterly awful, but I can tell you that you will learn to manage with it. You're in the very first days, you can only let what is happening happen. Grief has a very strong will of its own! If you can't scream, could you try drawing a scream instead? I found drawing helped me to get things out, and I'm no Picasso by any means - no one has to see it.

shuthefrontdoor · 20/08/2018 23:34
Thanks
Original poster
Mummacake · 21/08/2018 00:04

Thank you all once again.
Poudrenez - so sorry for your loss. The pain is indescribable.
I know this will take time. Life is so cruel.
For you all and those you have lost Flowers

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 21/08/2018 00:07

Hope your ok Mummacake
Your right, life is so cruel.

BBean · 21/08/2018 21:28

I'm so sorry for your loss, I know the pain you're going through Thanksx

namechangedyetagain · 23/08/2018 03:45

Mumma
I'm so sorry. I'm embarking on this dreadful journey as well. I've just lost my brother an hour ago. Feel numb. I don't know what to do either.

ThingamyJingamyJock · 23/08/2018 03:57

So so sorry namechanged
Maybe start your own thread for more support of your own. Sending you lots of kind thoughts Flowers

Sorry for your loss too OP. I hope you are taking it one day at a time. Nothing in grief is ‘wrong’. It’s personal to us all. Flowers

namechangedyetagain · 23/08/2018 04:07

I will do. I suppose it's nice to know I'm not alone and that the op has someone that understands

MistressDeeCee · 23/08/2018 04:17

So sorry for your loss OP💐. I lost my brother 3 years ago. I felt sad but angry at the same time in an "it's not fair" way

Like you I posted on Mumsnet and can't begin to tell you how that helped me in getting thoughts and feelings out of my head.

I have no words of wisdom really but thinking of you

& namechanged 💐

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