Supporting neighbour whose baby has died

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Our downstairs neighbours young baby died very recently from SIDS.

I posted a thread about it at the time but it was removed due to the circumstances and standard procedures at that time.

I have known the mum for about 13 years from she was a teenager before we lived in the same building but i wouldnt say we are very close. We talk most days and our kids play together in shared back garden.

The mum is understandably devastated. Since it happened, we have sat together for a short while outside most evenings, usually in silence holding hands. Her family have been around for her. They have the attitude of "pull yourself together" and "you have to start moving on."

The funeral was this morning.

I want to know best what to do to help her. I dont want to encroach on her or overstep boundaries.
She has occasionally said a few things about how she feels and i find myself coming out with what feels like cliched responses. I have looked up websites for guidance but i am worried i will make things worse or make her feel under pressure to talk.

Any advice or suggestions.

I think what you're doing sounds right. Maybe say to her that you want to help and ask her what would help, and be clear that you're happy to listen for as long as she wants to talk.

Her baby died, I doubt you could make things worse than that.

Let her talk, let her say his/her name freely and don't shut her down if she does talk. Take your lead from her and be a friend. Poor thing must be devastated.

I think it sounds as what you are doing is exactly what she needs someone just being there and giving her that bit of comfort without being overbearing, what she is going through is unimaginable,just be guided by what seems comforting to her and she will know you are there for her,but it sounds like you are bring a terrific friend.

Grumpyoldblonde - you are right. I xant make anything worse as that has aead happened.

I suppose i am very conscious of how her family are presenting - in a very practical, (apparently) unemotional way. They will of course be devastated and grieving in their own way. I dont want to push her to talk about feelings but want to allow her to, if she wants to.

I guess the key is to take my cue from her.

I dont imagine she thinks of me as a "friend"- there is an age gap of about 20 years which we used to laugh about when we were pregnant at the same time. ( My youngest and her daughter are nearly the same age).

As pp have said, you sound like you are doing as much as you can emotionally, given the tragic situation. There are no words

Perhaps some practical help - batch cook and freeze some dishes/get some ready meals. Or offer to whizz the hoover round etc for her? Might make a difference with helping to cope with the day to day?

Kezebel - i think that is a good idea. I have been doing wee bits like bringing her laundy in but there hasnt been much else needed as her family have been there.

There might be more i can practically offer to do once things "settle" a bit.

Have a look for Feathering the Empty Nest on Instagram or her blog - she’s just written a book on this subject and though I don’t think it’s out quite yet her blog has lots of very relevant writing.

I think you just being there would be helpful. If her family are taking the pull yourself together approach she may feel like she cannot talk to them about her baby. I have friends who have been through the same awful experience and they really valued being able to talk about their baby. Not the death just their beautiful child and their memories.

FEathering the empty nest on Instagram is amazing and has lots of followers in a similar position. There is quite a community of parents who have lost their babies and it looks very supportive. Maybe in time she might want to look at what they are saying.

It sounds like you are doing the right things. You can’t make this situation worse for her, nor can you make it any better, but you can be her friend who is also very sad that her baby has died. My friend has lost her little baby and I try as much as possible to make opportunities to talk about him and what she was like. This can sometimes make her upset but she does prefer to talk about her even though it makes her deeply sad.

I think part of it is that we are not close friends so i dont really "know" her well enough to read her.

I am overthinking it really and just need to offer to help, to talk or just sit with her.

From personal experience, I would continue to be there for her. It was the weeks, months after the funeral that I felt most in need of support. After the funeral most people go back to their own lives, unfortunately for your neighbour that's not possible.