In March I lost my wonderful dad after a one year illness (cancer). I haven’t even started to process my thoughts and grief. He was my hero. My mum left us when I was 13 so my dad became both parents from the point on (I’m 46).
On Friday my mum died. She’d had cancer for 14 years. We had a complex Relationship and it was never easy. We never really had a mother / daughter relationship since she left. We have been partly estranged on and off and she has been very difficult to be in touch with so there is a sense of relief but also lots of sadness about what I lost when she left all that time ago.
It’s very hard to even know how to feel. I’ve been angry with her for years and disappointed and other negative emotions. I’m varying between feeling nothing to feeling very sad then just desperate about my dad not being here to talk to. And then the grief for him and the whole thing comes back again.
We have a small family so it’s just me and my sister really now which also feels very weird. I feel quite unsettled and insecure about life and not really having any roots left. That bit is weird as I never saw my mum as ‘home’ and Wouldn’t have gone to her for support or advice anyway. I still have a stepmum but she is dealing with losing my dad still so don’t want to ask too much of her.
It’s just quite a lot to deal with in a short space of time really.